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It's a vicious circle! Has anyone else ever just walked away?

Asked by  |  Apr 2, 2012

Well, I've had my 91 year old mother home for weekends for the past several weeks from the assisted living facility. All but one Sunday before I take her back for the week, were horrendous. She doesn't want to go, she becomes abusive and irascible with me. I'm sick and tired of this whole thing and just wish she'd die. I tell her I can't take care of her during the week, and since I'm her son, I can't clean her up after she's soiled her Depends. She's only had that problem at home one solid weekend, but I can only see that getting more frequent. I told her I was looking in to getting a day care 9-5 5 days a week after my schedule calms down. I'm working 2 jobs right now and her irritability just makes me hate her more and more. I want her gone, but as an only child, I feel responsible. Someone earlier told me, I'm the only one my mother CAN yell at. No, I'm not. She's yells at everyone, but is meanest with me. I feel torn: I love her and hate her at the same time. I just wish all of this would end. We do better with our pets: when the quality of life just isn't there, we euthanize them! My mother keeps saying she wants to die, but something just keeps her going. I think she's doing it for spite. i just wish she'd get what she wants. I'm 69 years old, and have a bad heart, hi BP and cholesterol and prostate problems. She's going to outlive me as it is. Has anyone else ever just walked away?

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JaneB

Give a Hug

Apr 2, 2012

jobdennis, I feel right where you are now. There must be a social worker at the ASL facility you can talk to about your mother. Maybe they have some wisdom to impart. Is your mother rational enough that she could relate to the following equation: "being in my home for weekends = kind words and no fight about going back there Sunday night." And the related equation: "one more fight about going back = no more weekends in my home."
It may be that you don't have to walk away completely in order to get more peace. When I think about walking away from Dad, I keep coming around to who am I fooling? I'd STILL be mad at him, thinking about him, spotting things he'd like and side-stepping things he would get mad about, whether he lived here or not. The biggest problem at the moment -- speaking for myself, but maybe this is useful for you, too -- is the space he occupies in my head, not just my home.
It IS taking care of her to keep her in assisted living. If she is intolerable on the weekends, why would it be good to keep her at your home and take her to day-care? Then you have the worry of getting there on time and picking her up at the end of the day. WIth two jobs, that would be pretty hard, some days.
The social workers at the facility will have insights into irascible elders, and experience dealing with them, which could be really useful. Use them. Sending love and good vibes your way.

 
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