After two weeks in the assisted living facility my mom is intensely unhappy. How much time should we let pass by if she continues to feel so uncomfortable?

This is just my two cents.....As Carol said, if family members nearby pay more attention to your mother, that would definitely help. If the center she is living in is clean and she is well cared for there, I see no reason to move her out of there. In my experience, I learned that everything my elderly parents "ask" for is not necessarily the right thing to give them. I learned I have to set limits to protect my own health. I learned that both of my parents were losing the ability to have rational thought and that I had to be strong and make some tough decisions. ( even if this made me "unpopular"). Maybe your mother could use medication to help control her mood. You could talk to her doctor about this situation. But I would go real slowly about any decision to move her out of there. With the proper support from family in your mother's area, she could adjust to living there in time.

Moving my Mom from place to place just made her worse. She was not happy at any of the first 3 places we tried but we decided to leave her in the 4th place and although she is still not happy, she has adjusted to it and now has a routine. She was not happy when she was living with me, or my sister - (and never were we). We dealt with her in our homes as long as we could and we were getting more stressed and having stress related health problems (BP, Insomnia, etc) than she was. So it was either us or her, and we chose to be happy and move her to assisted living. I am 62 and my sister is 60 years old and just could not deal with it any longer.

Marty, you have done the right thing. She is where she needs to be. At least in the nursing home, there are nurses experienced with long term care and the needs she has. I have a very good friend who is a director of nursing at a Nursing Home and know the care the patients get. Assisted living is ideal, BUT - sometimes it just isn't what they need. The verbal abuse is her way of lashing out and she most likely knows it will hurt you, but don't let on that it does. If she thinks you are affected, she will keep it up for a while. I will be praying for you. I have been in your shoes. God bless.

backing off, distancing and detaching, not answering the phone, not staying when they are miserable to you, not running around trying to fix every little complaint, - these will save your sanity and will not hurt your parent, My mother who is qute well for her age would have me engaged daily following up on her complaints - which to me are just the ups and downs of life. It is a lose lose siituation in that nothing ever gets resolved. I have observed that she doesn't really want things to get resolved, mostly she wants attention and the more attention she gets the more she wants. I have virtually cut contact but am in contact with those people who care for her and will be advised is there is a real problem. The stress was affecting my health and I strongly advise anyone who is on this kind of situation to set limits to protect yourself. Some oldsters get very narcissistic and demanding. Mother has had Borderline Personality Disorder all her life and is narcissistic and wants everyone's life to revolve around her. It is not healthy and I have to set the conditions that are. Take charge of your own life, look after yourself and look after your parents needs as appropriate, - notice I said needs, not wants. Mother used to complain that none of us lived very close to her - she moved to where she wanted to and expected I would give up my life to come and wait on her. Not going to happen - my life is here and I help the best I can but from a distance. She is well cared for and that is what is most important for her and I have my own life and that is important to me. In fact, family agree, she would not be any happier if I was there at her beck and call as she has been unhappy and a complainer all her life no matter what the circumstances so one of us many as well be happy.

Do not move her in with you,she could be unhappy with you also.My dad has been in the care home 6 weeks and he now joins in with the other residents.He so needed people his own age.I thought he would fight the change to the end But he as now accepted that after being with me 5 years it was the only solution to our problems. I see him most days and have found that our relationship has improved.I love him very much but could not live with him again.He has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia which is effecting his behaviour. Its early days yet but give them time elderly people don't take to change well.

Is there a reason why the family members nearby your mom could not have her live with them ? It seems that that would be the better solution, if there is one, instead of moving far away with you. I agree that you should probably give it some more time to see how she feels about the move. If she's mentally and physically stable and she still hates her new place after about a month or two, maybe you could talk to the other family members about taking her in. If on the other hand she needs too much care for family to deal with, there is probably no other choice but for her to stay. Good luck and I hope your mom adapts to her new home and begins to enjoy it.

I agree with Anne, I would not move her out. Every move is just another change. We moved my Mom 3 times and she is still not happy but this is where she will stay. I tried taking care of her and so did my sister and it didn't work. Being her caregiver was taking its toll on us both. After a while she will become adjusted to this environment. She may still be unhappy but she will get adjusted. You on the other hand do not need to move her in with you, nor do your other relatives. Once you do, it is harder than ever to move them out when that need arises.

I would think very careful about moving her in with you if she is having a hard time adjusting there she probably would with you also-give it more time if you want her closer to you move her to your area so you could visit often or take her home for the day-it usually becomes a big mistake having an elder live with the children when they are so dependent on others.

Leave your mom there, she will adjust. Those places are equipped with people who know what to do, we don't.

I wish my mom would leave her home and go some place. It would be so much better than her laying there worrying about whether the insurance bill get's paid, or if she should paint the house, or when the guy is coming to pull weeds in the back yard, (although I've been doing that). Just seems like too much bull for mom to go through. She needs peace, not a bunch of worry. God knows if she was somewhere else I'd be there all the time without having to deal with my sister and her family. It would just be a lot more pleasant.

She's use to the weather in Cali and a change to Tenn would blow her mind!

Speak with your relatives about visiting her. I do not believe in putting someone away and then dissapearing and maybe your relatives need to know how she's feeling. It's an adjustment but give it some time.

Before you know it your mom will be having her very own Tea Parties and you guys won't even be invited :)

Hope this helps.