I asked Mom to move home but she has become mentally and verbally abusive. When is it time for a home?

Freeda did you see this article yet?
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/time-for-assisted-living-139755.htm

There might be ways for you to be paid for some caregiving and still keep the aide as respite or part time, but check with your program. BTW, she REALLY sounds a lot like my mom with vascular dementia. No real sense of perspective of what's urgent and what could wait a minute, word finding problems compounded by a little denial and a lot of desire to blame someone else for any problem, no ability to take another person's perspective, high anxiety...! I also got continually yelled at for not doing stuff faster or mumbling when she would not wear the hearing aid, or being stupid when she'd say the opposite of what she meant and we didn't guess that right off the bat.

I wish you well, you have my prayers, and hopes that you have sufficient naps and other respite. But I'd take the metal stick away and find some slightly more pleasant way to be summoned!! Or move her to a room where you are nearby, and see if there is any small way to involve her in a distracting activity, even folding towels or stamping and return addressing letters or something. This could get worse before it gets better...and if worse becomes impossible, or at too high a cost to you and your children, PLEASE change course, before you end up hospitalized with a back injury or with estranged children. Don't leave her fully in charge; she does not have the capacity to choose wisely.

How amazing I think I must have many people praying for us. I took extra time just an extra 40 minutes to sit and talk or "shoot the breeze" today. I also felt so much better from having shared . Thank you to this web site Thank you Lord and remember they do love you and you might Love them in some way I was always nervous of my mom being proud of me even if I don't want to admit it. Prayers of peace for you each THANK YOU ps I know it won't always be smooth there will be hard days , but with a nap for me each day it will be o.k.

O yes I was afraid tho if I apply for the pay as her caregiver she would loose the lady to come and wash her and her nurse? Cas my back can't handle that all each day ..?

Thank you for you comments and answers. She is mostly pretty aware alert and smart but she has times where she like slips into different personalities. Sometimes saying mean things or yelling out at me over and over even when I just did everything that needed to be done for her. I talked with her yesterday about the verbal abuse she seems to have taken it into consideration and has been better in not calling me names and threatening me with that's on the APS " list" online she had looked up I'm talking like not opening her curtain the minute she asks no mater if im in the shower cooking for or whatever ect.. So what's left is the fact of her not giving me the time I need and she has always done this thing you could ask my 24 year old son , where she like purposely doesn't refer to things as their names saying the thing the dillybob ect then yelling at me calling me an idiot knowing full well I have no idea what she means and this is everyday.She was always asking people to do everything before even when she could walk without a walker.And she wants me to stand there all day everyday and help her move up in bed sit up while she yells at bout that. Then shell be really sweet again . But the minute I don't do everything she wants even if it takes hours from handing her stuff making coffeee and four times or more a day.with a totally cheery attitude then it all changes...I thought it would take a lot of stress of if I could get a program where I could be paid cas I am a single mom who has back problems and ptsd so it difficult now this minute shes screaming my name out like I don't know what and I guarantee its to move a moth off her tv hand her a tv remote or make a physically impossible request 4 seconds later she banging her metal stick on her bed o oooo I got to go...

How is she cognitively, besides not having the empathy to treat the last few people in the world who might love her and take care of her with any decency? You say she has "become" this way, so I'm taking that to mean she used to have some consideration of others and this may have changed due to depression, anxiety, or dementia. Answers to your need for an alternative care plan depend on whether she is competent and in charge of her finances or not.

Start looking for facilities asap & be sure to tell them mom's weight. Mom might be considered obese and will need a specialized unit to accommodate for her needs.

If mom has the funds to private pay for care, that's great. But if she doesn't, then she will need to apply for Medicaid. If it looks like that is what is going to happen, you need to give careful thought on what that means not only for her but for you & your family to have a place to live. Does mom have the ability to private pay for at least 2 years NH? Do you have your own source of income & work full time OR have you been a full time caregiver for the last 2 -3 years for her?

When she says she was happier in the nursing home, is that an opening for you to suggest finding a nursing home in your town and relocating her there?

Sounds like she is frustrated by her situation and wielding what small bit of power she has over you and making your life miserable. So sorry for that, and wish there was a solution for that part.