How can I tell my family that I can no longer take care of my elderly mother, without them feeling like I just want to put her in a home?

You take a deep breath and you tell them. My sister had to tell us and it really came as no surprise. I am not able, for many of the same reasons, to take my turn with Mom, so a good Alzheimer's unit will soon be mother's home. In the interim, while we wait for a bed, home help was prescribed and my sister is getting some assistance that has made the wait more bearable for her and allowing us a bit more time for the transition. Your siblings appreciate what you CAN do and will understand or get over what you can't.

MUNIZ:

Baby, you've reached the point when your mind can't absorb what your a__ can no longer endure. The bottom line is that your mother's needs are increasing, your resources (and your sisters') are practically maxed out, and a higher level of care that none of you is able to provide on a full-time basis is required.

You all have made sacrifices, explored all possibilities, even shared the responsibility equally over the years. And from the statements you've made placing your mom in a nursing home might seem tantamount to betrayal. That's why you three must come to a decision that will benefit all, especially your mother. Whatever happens, make sure you continue to be an integral part of her life.

Just as you've shared the responsibility, now you're going to have to share -- and learn to live with -- a bittersweet pain that will never go away.
Years from now, as you rewind the tapes of your existence, you'll have the peace of mind that comes with knowing you did the best you could with what you had.

I wish you the best Muniz, and stay strong as you've always done.

-- ED

Just tell them. If your are stressed than she will be stressed. If they don't want to keep her longer than there turn and you are not able than maybe they will want to put her in a home too. Talk to them. And hopefully it will be a joint effort. Good luck.

Oh, my heart just goes out to you! I was in the same situation, and I was 45 at the time. (That was 2 years ago). Mom was living with me and I had become a mess ... emotionally and physically. Mom wound up falling and breaking her shoulder, and started to decline. It was then that I had to face that I just couldn't do it anymore. My sisters and brother were more than understanding even though no one really wanted it to happen. But they could see that I was getting sick myself. It was so hard to put Mom in a care facility that I just laid around sick to my stomach for almost two weeks. She kept asking to go home and my guilt was awful. But I have to tell you this ... Mom is now safe. She is getting proper nutrition and exercise that I was unable to give her. I was so stressed that I found myself screaming at her when she did something silly, and those moments will haunt me forever. Please don't get to that point. I know that some people promise their loved ones that they won't ever put them in a care facility, but that is just not feasible. You owe your own family and yourself the attention and support that you won't be able to give if you are caring for your mother. I think you have given it all you have, and it's time for you to rest now. Let your mother go to a place where they are better able to deal with her needs then you ever will be. And know that she is SAFE and well cared for. That is what is important. Finally, be good to yourself. You have honored your mother in the past, and will be honoring her by getting her the care she needs. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I agree that you have to tell them and that they will probably understand! If someone does not seem to understand, that is usually because we do not want the facts to be true. But the reality is as so many have said - the nursing home would give your mother a better life than you or your siblings can do. I would take the empahsis away from your ability and put it on the full care your mother needs and would get at a home, and the fact that her life will be better. It is not just you making the decision - all of you should talk and you will share your experiences and share the decision (I am repeating what others have said) and it will not rest on your shoulders.

Jmuniz, I'm wondering why you are so worried about telling them at all. Didn't you say that you'all have rotated being care takers of her for the last 6 years? Well if that's the case, I'm pretty sure they knew the day was coming when none of you could take care of her anymore. Talk to them, tell them that time has come.

The one footnote to all of the great advise others have provided is this: VISIT THE NURSING HOMES you are considering placing your mom in.

Have your sisters be an active part in this process too. Have them visit the same nursing homes, or others and then compare your notes on the facilities that will work for ALL of you.

Do not take it upon yourself to make this decision, do not wait until a significant event/accident happens that warrants an immediate UNEDUCATED move take place.

And then... after you do all this... and you and your sisters are happy with the facility you decide on, make a plan, a schedule of how you will visit, who will be healthcare advocate/proxy, set up a DPOA (if this is not already done) and ask what you can do to make this move a positive one for all.

If the facility insists that you NOT visit for any period of time to allow them to adjust... trust me.... LOOK FOR ANOTHER FACILITY!!! Not visiting is not the answer.

Once your mother is moved to a skilled facility your involvement may be just as much as it was at home, BUT with the skilled staff around to assist her instead of that responsibility resting on your shoulders only!

Placing Mom is not an easy thing to do, and some refuse to do so, even at their own expense. I felt that way for years myself. While on a visit with my brother, she had to be hospitalized after almost poisoning herself with a common household item!! It was only then, that my brother(s) realized that Mom needed 24/7 supervised care! Of course I continued to be a MAJOR contributor to her care by visiting her weekly, and setting up a visitng schedule for the rest of the family, and bringing things for Mom to do, and eat and see and feel!

A key line in your post is: "It will be my turn to take her in a few months and I am so stressed about it." That's it. It's time. No two ways about it. You are officially at the point where it's your survival or her survival, and in order for you both to survive, you must put your mother in a care home. So if you keep that "absolute" in your mind, you will be strong and know this is the right thing to do----and then you tell your siblings. By the way, bless you and you are to be commended for caring for your mother all this time in her home. Now it is time for the next phase of her care, and I'm sure everything is going to work out well.

All good replies to Juminiz. I don't have much to add, only to give encouragement with the next step: whether it's a nursing home, getting an aide to help when it's "your turn" or something else. It's better to admit that you can't do the caregiver role any more than it is to continue with it and suffer from the physical and emotional demands. Your health is important too. You want what's best for your mom, so look at the solution from that vantage point.

Tell them the truth....It sounds like the three of you have done a great job, you have done all you can and your just not able anymore. It's in your mother's and your best interest to get her to a full time faciity.
Research the facilities that would suit your mother best and visit her as often as you can. You may be surprised, your sisters may be relieved that you broached the subject. Good luck...