How do I stop living the life of my dead mum?

Stephen, how in the world were you to know that your mother at age 67 was at death's door? Seems to me it should fall to those family members that were at her side constantly, to warn you. You did what you did with the information you got, so quit beating yourself up about it. You didn't kill your mother, cigarettes did. I wish I could get my own husband to stop smoking, so your story should be a warning to others that can't put the cancer sticks down. You need to give yourself a break, and make the most of your life for your family's sake.

Stephen, I'm afriad that the truth is, you couldn't have rescued her even if you had been there. Death isn't under our control. If you'd been there you could have seen her alive one last time, you could have held her hand and kissed her. It is very sad that you didn't have that opportunity, but it did not cause your mother's death.

You wonder what your mum would want for you. I know nothing about your mum, but I do know what it feels like to be a mother, to have children, and to want things for them. I'm going to assume that your mother was a decent person, not perfect because no one is, but loving and caring and trying her best. If that assumption is true, then it is almost slander to wonder if she would think you should have a proper life. OF COURSE she would want the best for you. She would want you to be happy, and to live your life successfully. Believe me, she had been disappointed in you many times over the years (because that is part of parenting) but she never stopped loving you and hoping for the best for you.

If I'm right that she was a decent person, there is absolutely no doubt she'd want you to live life fully. And if I'm wrong and she was not a good person, if she didn't love her children with all her heart, then does it really make sense to let her memory hold you back?

This insight you have recently had may be a key to reclaiming your proper life. If you are seeing a therapist, discuss this fully. If you are not seeing a therapist now, I think it would be worth trying it -- you definitely have something important to discuss.

Hi Stephen. Sometimes we look to others for the answers, and sometimes there are no answers and not even a glimpse of understanding. So we have to accept our strenghts and weakness' and work with them. You sound a strong person to me, who has experienced saddness and has allowed it to linger. You need to become active and learn to enjoy life. Are you suffering from depression? If so work with it, either get medication or take up a active healthy lifestyle. Even go to support groups, or do volunteer work. I am similar age to you and experienced loss and many problems, but after nearly 4 years of hell, the sun is shining again in my mind. I have learnt about myself, that I am sensitive, a worrier, caring and want to help everyone and protect them, but I can't perform miracles and neither can you. So please Stephen accept that you are a good strong person who was working and progressing in your career and then your Mother died. Her death may have brought all your others issues to the surface. Now it is time to heal! Accept who you are, like who you are and be active. I am not trying to make a recovery sound so simply, it is not, but it is possible. Therefore, take one step at a time and move forward, be proud and enjoy the memories of your Mum.

Stephen, sometimes the body holds on to emotional shock past the point of utility. If traditional therapists aren't able to help you shift, I would look for someone skilled in the area of energy psychology -- and there are plenty in the UK (I can't tell, but your language sounds like you might live there. The techniques they use are fast, effective, and pretty painless. You just...move on. You get out of the "stuck" place and can take next steps without a lot of angst and pain and resistance. You may be able to find a practitioner by going to

you never know when things are going to happen. None of this is your fault. My mom struggles with this over my brother

none of this is your fault. My mom struggles with this over my brothers death. He kept saying he was dick. She kept seeing him and never saw anything. One day he said this and she left for work. He did die that day. How was she to know. Her advice now is to see people in your life that say they are sick while they are still alive. You can't change this but it will make you feel better to just see other family members more . NO ONE blames you. Forgive yourself and when you have problems let your family know so they can HELP you. They are there for you and love you and do not blame you at all.

Stephen, my heart goes out to you. It seems you have been through quite a lot in your life; and then the passing of your mother. Carol gave you such a wonderful answer and great advice. You didn't do anything wrong. You should not feel guilty about anything. You seem to have been a kind and loving son; and your mother would want you to be happy.

Try to let it go; my parents had been to the hospital inumerable times and I wasn't always able to get there as I live almost 2 hours away. I feel certain your mother would want you to live a proper life. Take care and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

There is a very profound and useful and humane and wonderful paradigm called Focusing, for dealing with the kinds of feelings you are talking about. And it is a skill you can learn, to apply for the rest of your life -- not to be dependent on a counselor. To find a Focusing Teacher, I know there is an equivalent in the UK

Hi Stephen: I remember when my mom had an extremely critical health issue and could have easily died. She was helicoptered to a major University hospital for care and her recovery was touch and go. My dad didn't want to call my brother and alert him to the dire possibilities. He didn't want to see my brother take time off work or have to travel to the medical facility. I think my dad's reaction was probably more about his own feelings of not being able to accept that a crisis was at hand. Alerting my brother would have reinforced his own fears of losing my mom. Your family's situation may have been similar or not. It may have been that they just did not expect your mum's situation to be that serious. Whatever the reality, you are just one cog in the family wheel of decision making and not the driving force that can see all, anticipate all, and manage all. I hope you can let that burden go.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and offer a couple of thoughts. Maybe the underlying connection with all you have experienced is a deep rooted fear; one that spreads and gets harder to push down when disappointments mount. On top of all the trauma and difficulties you have experienced, your mum dies unexpectedly and at a relatively young age. That may have been one trauma too many for you to keep at bay. Eventually, it just feels safer to stay in your home and not go out into that world that you can't control.

I'm not sure if it's necessary to find one thing to unravel as a starting point. Maybe it is, I don't really know; but maybe you could take a look at the various issues that you can identify and see if they all have fear in common. If so, where did the fear start might be a better beginning. Get some help with that journey and don't push yourself too hard or put unnecessary pressure on yourself.

I am truly grateful that you have a wife and family that love and support you. You deserve to be loved, supported and protected.

Thank you very much Carol. I was in therapy for other things in my life, but somehow i realised that mums death was the core of my depression. I have had the feeling of being dead three times before in my life. Once with a bad event in my childhood, then having near death experiences as a child with asthma attacks and the other time was when i had to walk away from my business that was going into liquidation.
Also, i have been dismissed from top jobs on a number of occasions, largely to do with my difficulty coping emotionally and leaving my team felt like death too.

So I know the feeling, but with all that has happened to me I haven't been able to put my finger on anything i could ever deal with.

Events come and go, but if your subconscious mind is damaged by them, how do you get hold of something you can work on? Especially when there are so many significant events.

My life is closed down because on one level it feels right to be closed down and my family supports my closed down state, because they love and care for me. My wife goes on holiday with her sister, because i can't go, in fact i don't travel beyond 10 miles of my home.

In truth i am living in the dead body of my mum, i think.

If this is right, then this is a revelation to me and this is the first time i have felt that i have got the end of something i can follow.

I don't know what my mum would want for me. I sometimes wonder whether she was so disappointed in me that i didn't rescue her, that she would not wish me well.

I feel so guilty that i am still alive and she isn't. I wish she would come back so i could check that it was ok for me to have a proper life.

Stephen