My disabled mother has cancer and the hospital is ready to release her. Should my brother and his wife move in with her?

You've asked a lot of questions in a few short sentences so I'll try to include as much as I can. The first thing I'll say is don't let the hospital tell you that you MUST take her "home", if she can't get the care she needs then they must discharge her to a facility or to people who CAN give her the care she needs. If she needs to recouperate from something THEN go home - if she has insurance or quals for medicaide - perhaps she can get some time in a rehab center for therapy to make her stronger so she can return home without a lot of assistance.

TAKING HER HOME: taking her "home" with brother & wife - be very cautious, this is BIG deal and you should all talk with a home health agency to understand what's involved. Physically - can she do anything for herself? Can she be alone while they are at work? Who will be her caregiver for meals, bathing, wound care? Is there a risk that brother or wife will be injured if they lift her? CAN they lift her? Does she have diabetes and require blood sugar monitoring? If she requires hospice care, then the hospital should set you up for that but her doc will have to "prescribe" it first before they can come in to help. You must all consider whether the house is set up to accommodate her physical needs - halls & doorways wide enough? Bathroom big enough for 2 or for grab bars since she'll need help? Shower or tub adequate to handle her needs? There are all kinds of things available to retro-fit bathrooms, search for a company called Gold Violin online.

KEEPING THE HOUSE: This is tricky, especially if she's at the point where she'll start to decline and need more and more help. I strongly suggest you spend an hour or two with an elder attorney in the county where your mom lives. Tell him EVERYTHING about your mom's assets, debts and needs and tell him what you want to do. At this point, there is no hiding assets and everything your mom's worked for should be used to provide for her safety, comfort and quality of life. If Mom's cash assets are gone then she may qualify for Medicaide - they will NOT pay if she lives with family or in her own home. They will put a lien on any physical property she owns and try to claim any money spent on her care by forcing the sale of her home, car or other valuables after she passes away. Generally, there is a look back period of 5-7 years in most states so if she gave anything away - or if she gives away something now - money, car, house - it will disqualify her from state assistance for a long time. The elder care attorney should be able to explain this to you. If she's already put someone else's name on the property, then it's a little more complicated. The state will likely go after her interest in the property but it could still force you to sell. In my Mom's case, my disabled and elderly brother lives in her home and Mom signed an "intent to return home" form so the state won't force us to sell now. They're reasonable enough to realize that they'd be helping my brother AND paying her bills if they forced the sale now. Most states medicaide (run by the dept of health and welfare) have customer service staff - ask to speak with "new" applications and they can tell you the basic criteria. The state will ask for all kinds of info and PROOF of this - her monthly income, check stubs from pensions, bank statements for months back, copies of insurance bills, etc.... Does your brother expect to the get money or the house in return for taking care of her? Is that fair to the rest of you? I'd say he should get something extra, especially if he spends his money on Mom and it's a sacrifice both financially and to his family relationships. BUT - ask your Mom what she wants first!!! She may not want to go home with specific family members. She needs to be as comfortable with them as they are with her. Also ask yourselves if your family REALLY has the skills and training to provide help to her. If you want information about home health care - talk with your local area agency on aging.

As always - your mom should have a general Power of Attorney (PoA) so someone can pay her bills and conduct business for her when she's unable to make decisions. Also consider a Medical PoA so someone can make medical decisions or a Living Will that clearly outlines what she wants if she needs a ventilator.

Best of luck!

A lot of questions with few details,, as for asking if she should go home or not ,, you should discuss this with your family and find out all the info before taking on this responsability w/ brother and wife . there is a lot of work involved and if you dont know what you are getting yourself into you could make things much harder for brother and wife and make sure that they are ok with this because you dont want th screw up their relationship . always find out details before hand . as for every other question ^ i agree with the above comment . they got it right on the nose .

good luck and i hope all goes well ;)