What can be done when my sister's so self-absorbed at fulfilling her own desires with the extra money she receives from taking care of Mom?

This discussion about caregiver responsibilities, and the rights of the person receiving care, illustrates the value of a written caregiver agreement. The value can be explained with three points on what may be missing:

First, without a written agreement, the elder (and others people involved in care such as physicians and health care providers) can't be sure who is responsible to maintain the needed level of care. A Caregiver Contract provides an organized schedule for care and other services that can be adjusted to your changing needs.

Second, without a written agreement, the family member(s) providing the care are vulnerable to criticism (just or unjust). The Caregiver Contract recognizes and rewards the time and effort that you give to care, and helps prevent arguments and misunderstandings among other family members who can't or won't help out.

Finally, without a written agreement, the elder who pays a family member for care could be disqualified from Medicaid coverage if they need nursing home care in the future. In my state (Massachusetts) the state Medicaid agency and the courts have rejected transfers of money to children or family members who provided care, because there was no written contract or agreement for the care services. The Caregiver Contract documents the compensation and services in a format that Medicaid can understand and accept if nursing home care becomes necessary in the future.

It's never too late to try and reach an understanding among family members. A geriatric care manager or social worker can help coordinate the insights of your physician, nutritionist and other health professionals, to prepare a plan that will protect everyone.

Your sister took your father in and you have a problem with her being paid $250.00 a week? Think about it and figure out what room and board costs. He also had no worries about being elderly and managing medical appointments,grocery shopping house costs and upkeep. Unfortunately it seems sometimes adult children who are not able to help with care become angry and unsupportive
of the one who is.. This focus on inheritance instead of the parent's well being is becoming more commonplace.

While your sister is allowed some benefit for having to take care of your mother, it is limited to a maximum (determined by each state) usually $12-$13K annually and about 10% of what it costs her to provide the care. It is easy to judge when looking from the outside, in. If your mother appears healthy and happy, you probably have to just monitor any unjust spending and lack of care. Your only other option is to do it yourself or hire a guardian appointed by the state. This will require going through the courts. It is not easy providing elder care. And it takes time and money to do so. I know I allow myself a little gas money and some income to cover the incidentals I pay for myself to care for my mother. I give her an allowance so she can play Bingo and go on outings provided by the care facility. If your mother is fed, loved and cared for, please remember older people will have a tendency to evoke emotional banter to keep the attention on themselves as they feel a little powerless having to rely on others for care. I know my mother will tell my sister things that simply are not true and she does the same to me. Saying my sister was mean to her, etc. Remember, they are not as sharp as they used to be and it makes them fearful, so they project the worst. If you do feel that your sister is neglectful, it requires due process in the court system to change the Power of Attorney and other documents that may exist. Otherwise, giving rise to any neglect may result in a third party/Guardian being appointed. Talk to your sister and mother in the same room. Determine the facts before casting any harsh judgement. Be prepared to take over should your sister decide to give up her duties to care for your mom. It's not an easy job!

$2000 a month is about half what Assisted Living would cost. Let's see 24 hours x 30 days = 720 hours. That works out to $2.78 per hour.
Taxable wage? No I think minimum wage in Hamilton is a bit higher.
Sis works full time and brings home fast food? I plead guilty as well.
Sis is going away? Stay with mom. Earn $2.78 per hour.

I know these things are so difficult..we went through some similar things. Keep in mind.. that parents often reverse roles and sometimes create riffs between their children...we don't know why. Talk to your sister - invite her out to lunch. Tell her you want to know HER side of the situation.. do not become confrontational.. you are looking for information.. this is not the time to judge or become argumentative. The answer to everything your sister says it's that's interesting. NOTHING MORE. You want to keep your sister talking about what's going on and what your mom is telling you. Mom says that you..... feed her fast food all the time. Mom says that your cutting back on her food to take a trip. Somewhere in the middle of both answers are the truth once your done, if you truly suspect abuse (lack of proper food and care is considered elder abuse) I would start here: http://www.aoa.gov/AoA_programs/Elder_Rights/EA_Prevention/WhatToDo.aspx Be aware that your sister may be feeding your mom fast food, (which is expensive) because your mom won't eat your sister's cooking, but your mom is not telling you that. Your sister may have casually/jokingly said.. man I want to go to Utah, but feeding you costs a lot, we're going to have to cut back.. but didn't mean it. Dig and dig some more before you past judgement on a situation where you are (by your own admission) not there. Taking care of someone else, is not easy and it's not cheap. It's not just the food.. there's a lot of cost.. including emotional involved in having someone else live with you. Good luck on your situation... I hope it is resolved in a peaceful and loving manner.

Jessie You are actually right my mother does this too and I remind her that I didn't ask her for anything she came to me and needed my help. I was my mother own decision to live with me. But before I could move to a place big enough for both of us she made a choice while in Rehab/Nursing home that made them say I had to take her out ASAP cause insurance wouldn't pay anymore because she refusing the care. Now we are at my mother house which caused my mother to feel she taking care of me because bills and caring for her is expensive. All I could hear was how I was spending her money and what she paying for this is mental torment to have to hear day in and day out. The only way I could stop this was to tell her that yes it your money but it cost to take care of her and it more than money. I had to remind her that the road she was on before I took on the responsibility of her she would only had 50 from the Nursing home and that it. I began to give her a choice knowing that's I'm doing everything to provide everything she ask and wants. But the real problem I come to realize that all this wasn't really about me it was about my mother not being happy with her life period and she has to find away to complain and make my life unhappy cause she that way. It hard for them to accept that life has come to a point were they have too have someone to make decision for them and they do agree nor do they really want to do it any other way at all. So it about making anyone that's around here unhappy so you have a bunch of unhappiness going on and for what reason misery like company and that why thing go don't the way they do. I just had to see for what it is and refused to aloud any of the negative stuff steal my joy knowing that God see me and He knows all that I'm doing just like He doesn't miss anything else. something else I had to do to stop the money thing was tell her that she can hire me and I'll take care of her and gave her a price of what I charge and she could take it or leave it. Then it made her start counting after the the cost of hire and then she couldn't take me down that road anymore. My mother knew what has to be paid when P.D come in to sit with her and her money not long enough to have fulltime help. You have to out smart them or they will work you and tell you thing that will rock your world. Not to for get hurt you feeling so bad that you feel like crying and feel that what the use. Cause no matter what you choose to do if it not what they want and how they want it and when they want it you haven't done nothing. Just walk in the shoes of caregiver and let it be your parent you see what going down and know for your self you can't be on the out side looking in your totally on another track.

I'm confused - if you're not allowed to see your mom or check on her well being, how is it that you were able to take your mom to the doctor? Perhaps you should ask your sister how you can further help in the care of your mom instead of wanting to "visit" or "check on her well being".

As our parents age, their needs increase, much as we don't want to admit it. In the case of my 93-yr old mother, her needs increase from one week to the next. And every once in a great while her needs decrease (as in help getting dressed), but that is just for a fleeting while.

We have a brother who lives out of state, hasn't seen our mother in almost a year (and that was just for 1 afternoon), and calls Mom once every 3-4 weeks. He accuses the 4 of us who share in her care of "pampering" our mother. A woman who was diagnosed 3 years ago of mild-to-moderate dementia! Either he doesn't get it or doesn't want to admit it or something else entirely. Whatever the reason, because he isn't here at all helping in Mom's care, his ridiculous comments aren't welcome. I finally told him that unless he has a solution to what he perceives is a problem, then don't comment. And a solution where HE has researched all options, not where he says something & expects the rest of us to do all the leg-work looking into it. Hey, it works in the business world, why shouldn't it work here? Haven't heard a peep out of him since that discussion 18 months ago.

All the other posters who commented the memory isn't what it used to be, reality and imagination are mixed, etc. were spot on. As were the comments re $2000 for Mom to live with your sister, etc. It is incredibly expensive to have an elderly parent live with you, regardless of much or little they eat, especially if the parent refuses to eat fast food or acknowledge how tired a person is after working all day long.


I go back to my initial suggestion of you asking your sister how you can further help re your Mom's care. Not in a judgmental manner but with well-thought-out suggestions of what YOU can do each day or each week. Maybe a good start is the shopping of the food for the meals your mom wants?

There are several issues here. If you feel that your mother isn’t being taken care of you can take her into your own home or arrange for her to go into an assisted living facility. That is using the assumption that she is in her “right mind”. My siblings believe that my mother is just old and doesn’t have dementia even though I have two letters from doctors stating that my mother cannot make medical or financial decisions for herself. The elderly can claim that they haven’t eaten or done anything five minutes after they have done so. My mom couldn’t tell you what she ate five minutes ago but she can certainly complain about my siblings to everyone who will listen. I KNOW that when I leave the room that she would say things to my siblings about me. Lately she has been referring to me as Sally or Shirley the caregiver to my husband. What it boils down to is are you fueling the discussion about your mom not eating and giving your mother attention or is your mother actually losing weight and unhealthy? Is she pitting one against the other?
If your mother is eating fast food and that is what she wants, why should you deny that to her. My mother used to eat frozen chicken nuggets and frozen hot dogs all day long because she was taking care of 3 great grandchildren. She also suffered from severe diarrhea at the time and stayed in sh*tty pants all day. We now have her on a pretty bland diet, home cooked, but it takes work.
My mother is with us 24/7 and both my husband and I have to plan our days around taking care of my mother. We have not been out to eat together, alone, for longer than I can remember. If I am not in the room with her then my husband is. Do you honestly think that taking care of someone 24/7 is that easy? We used to pay a woman to come in for FOUR hours per day to help my dad $250/week, $1000 per month. And, that was for just four hours per day. If your sister is working she is at home with your mother for a minimum of 14 hours/day. At minimum wage of $10 per hour she should be getting paid $4200/month.
You mentioned that your mother doesn’t want to go into a nursing home. You can certainly step up and have your mother come to live with you if you feel that you can do a better job. I bet that after taking care of your mother for one month 24/7 that you would feel that $2000 isn’t enough for taking care of an elderly woman.
So many people feel that there is an obligation to take care of a parent free and that any minimum payment received is horrendous. I see that often on this site and I see that from some of my siblings.
Well, I say, take that elderly person into your own home. Take care of them 24/7. Pay someone to come in and take care of your elderly parent while you have to go grocery shopping. Pay someone to come in and cook and clean for them while you are at your job. Some people even give up their jobs and homes to take care of their parents.

Personally I haven’t been posting on this site much as of late because of all the judgments that are given because someone is paid for taking care of their parents.

Consider that your mother's sense of what your sister does or says is probably off at least a little. What you've been told or even think you suspect, if it is not fact, could even hurt the situation if you call social services and then you call again later for something else and they've already been called once for nothing, so make sure it's right before you do that. A note for others; It is illegal to make false accusations or even too many mistaken calls to social services in many states that show know evidence of neglect or abuse, so make sure whatever you choose to report is a fact. I think overall you should consider taking your mother in if you are willing to take her to doctor's appointments. I would start by offering to have mom stay with you when your sister takes her trip, offer to have mom stay with you for a month or two at a time, so sister can have a break. Good luck.

If mom just went to the MD and he says she is fine, she's not starving. And mom's version of things may be a bit off, as Jessie said, they get the facts all mixed up, and can make family members believe totally fantastic stories. Mom told us she had given #2son thousands of dollars, which looked really bad for him, but we could not find any real evidence that she did. Lately our mom has come up with some real tall tales. The thing to look for: each time the story is told, some of the details will change and embellish. Real events are mixed up with dream events and distant past events.