How do you deal with siblings who can do nothing but share negative things with my Mom while she is in a nursing home?

My mother has had all kinds of hallucinations, delusions, paranoias because of past strokes and current Alzheimers dementia.

She tells some real lulu stories about me and my supposed past life as a druggie/street walker/theif/craft-show TV host (how's that for a combination!) If I had done anything remotely close to her imaginings, I would have had a much more interesting life.

Dementia makes people incompetent because their reasoning skills go, their hearing goes, their eyesight goes, and their brain can't process what information is still coming through accurately. Dementia patients can be very fearful of the world because of this. Sometimes stuff comes out of their mouths they would have NEVER said in a million years before. It may or may not be true. Or one little sliver of a statement might have been related to a true fact.

You have to respond to her accusations with nothing but reassurance. I wouldn't take her word as gospel unless I had hard evidence. Don't let her degeneration permanently damage the family with wedges and rumors.

I loved what you wrote BeFreeAtLast. My husband has a great story - and we all need a chuckle don't we? - about visiting his ex wife's father in the nursing home years ago. This very sweet elderly gentleman was sitting in the reception all at the home and seemed much more 'in touch' than most of the other residents around. My husband began talking to him and was thinking 'I wonder why this poor guy is even here?'. He seemed witty and quite a character and talked very animatedly about his kids, wife, etc. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and on his head a tweet hat. My husband complimented his shirt and the man said, "well, I was born in Hawaii. My husband and he then exchanged pleasantries about visits to Hawaii. Then, a few moments later, my husband said "And that hat, that's just like the one Bear Bryant used to wear. You know Bear Bryant, the famous coach of Alabama football?" The old man sat there and smiled and shook his head and said "I was born in Alabama". And that's the way it is, with dementia.

Latest from one of the people with dementia in my family. She called to say a cousin's son had just died from a drug overdose, per the cousin-mother's telephone call. Another one? Again? One cousin, one we hardly knew, actually did die of an overdose about five years ago but the other cousin we know and her daughter as well if not her son. Heartbreaking. Upon reflection, my husband checked the second overdose story out. The mother-cousin said her son was alive and with no new problems; thus, the whole overdose death story was entirely imagined. When people have dementia, they have dementia. End of story. They are not reliable reporters of anything; -- another anecdote: a friend's father was claiming nursing home personnel had stolen his watch. His daughter-in-law couldn't find it anywhere in his space, so she was starting to think about how to frame her complaint. Then, for some reason, she noticed his right wrist under his long sleeve. There the watch was: the one place she hadn't looked -- upon his person. Of course, he'd never worn his watch on his right wrist in 75 years or more (he was 93 at the time). I'm not saying that people with dementia are always making things up, that people never steal from them and so on. Just that sometimes, a listener should verify before getting upset with third parties. And not hope for moments of clarity very often. There used to be Al Anon saying -- "He was crazy when he was drinking but as years went by, I became crazy all of the time." For dementia, "She was crazy because she had dementia, but I became crazy because I kept forgetting about the dementia."

Look into what is involved in "passing the accounts" in your jurisdiction. This is essentially a statement of financial activity, assets and so on, that is signed off by an accountant, lawyer, notary or similar. It means your actions as PoA have been checked out an approved by an impartial authority. It can be done periodically. You could send copies around to all family members so they can see everything that is going on AND it forestalls any lying or manipulations they might attempt in future.

Since your mother is now incompetent, she cannot merely appoint a new PoA. It will have to go through a court. Your relatives will have a very tough time getting PoA if you have passed the accounts on a regular basis.

I am sorry you having a hard time with your siblings. I would definitely let her see where money is going ie. check book, living cost etc. I also believe you have to use some discernment on what you tell her because you don't need to worry her needlessly. I agree with MaggieMarshal. Also don't stop seeing her be the same loving caring person you have been in the past. Actions speak louder than words. Pray as well for her to have clarity and to be able to feel how much you love her so she will be able to know the truths of things.

I know what you mean about siblings being negative and yes i truly believe that they said thing to your mum so dont put everything down to dementia? I am worn out telling my little sis to keep her conversations with mum lite and breezy no sh*t no bad news just lie if you have to BUT NO sis tells mum my aunt is dying? that her boyfriend dumped her you know just crap mum dosnt need to hear?
I am done talking to her SO i am seeing mums shrink and i will get her to talk to them as they are too stupid to listen to me. When you have dementia and are told negative things they hold onto it going over it again and again in thier heads and getting more and more angry and paranoid! Tell them NOTHING bad negative etc.... if your siblings to not get this then get the docs to sit them down and tell them if they continue like this BAN thier visits! Apart from being totally stupid upsetting your mum this can make her decline even more. I see it with my mum now and have had screaming matches with my sister to grow up and tell mum nothing she cant handle negative things and dwells on them.
Good luck to you its so hard when youre doing all the hard work and then they come along and ruin it all! Tell them to keep thier visits postitive OR you will get a doc to ban them from visiting because i will be discussing this with mums shrink!

Welcome to my world of vicious siblings! Since you have POA, your mother entrusted her care to YOU, and in her logical mind you will care for her in HER best interests. Stop letting words hurt you. They are coming out of the mouth of someone with dementia. Do not try to tell her the truth, she will only get more angry. Just leave. Do not let the words of your younger siblings hurt you either. Money brings out the GREED in people, especially family members. Just keep paying for your mother for as long as she lives, and in the end, do as the trust/will states. And let the chips fall where they will. You are doing good!

Lynnie, as others have said, I think that the big missing piece from the puzzle is that Mom likely has dementia. This could be a result of the stroke, or from other causes. It sounds like it has not been "officially" diagnosed yet. But without recognizing that piece of information you really can't fit the other pieces together accurately.

Early in his dementia my husband accused me of stealing from him. Nobody put that idea in his head; he came up with all on his own. When I handed him a bank statement he examined it closely -- upside down! Even though I knew he had dementia this accusation was very upsetting to me, because I did not yet know that that is a very common occurrence in dementia. He was living in his own home, but his brain no longer registered familiar things. Something was way off kilter -- something had been stolen from him!

It is possible that the "selfish" younger sibs are planting negative ideas in Mom's head. Possible, but not proven.

It is possible that she is confabulating from bits and pieces she's heard. A little article mentions a signed baseball that went missing 30 years ago and showed up recently and gave some old guy much joy. She starts thinking about missing balls and suddenly it is about her. Or your sisters says, "Oh Mom, I couldn't find that little lamp at your house. I'm so glad Lynnie thought to bring it here." And that becomes "Lynnie took your lamp." Sigh. This is possible, and if she has dementia, likely.

It is possible that she is simply making these accusations up in her own head, as my husband was.

As others have said, you need to calm her down by taking her distress seriously, not arguing with her, and offering other solutions. (Can I take some time to locate it?)

Meanwhile, you do need a family meeting, but not to sort out who said what, but to share the changes in Mom's mental status. Ideally the entire family needs to understand that Mom is not always rational or in her right mind at all times. Expect some denial, though -- that is a tough observation to swallow.

You should also probably meet with her lawyer.

First off...it doesn't appear as though your first concern is your mother. I say this because there is an obvious change in her mental status as she is becoming aggressive toward you and instead of investigating the cause...you disappear and stay away from her because your feelings are hurt.
One thing we all have to keep in check when taking care of a person with dementia...are our own feelings. The majority of people with dementia are not aware of the changes happening in their minds...reality for them...is so much different than reality for us. Remaining calm and being patient with them is the key. Your mother was taken away from her life and everything that was familiar to her and placed in a strange environment...of which she has no control of any more. It may have been ok for a time...when she was more lucid...but a person with dementia is pulled through all kinds of 'worm holes' for lack of a better term. It's like a light switch being turned on and off at sometimes breakneck speed. She may be your Mom one minute...and the next she is a teenager and has no idea who you are. Trying to reason with them is a losing battle. You can't bring her into your reality...you need to step into hers. Be kind...be patient...try saying things like..."I am not sure where (fill in the blank is)...but if it is Ok with you...can I take a day or two to locate it?" This shows her you care...it redirects her thinking...it keeps her dignity intact...and it gives her some control over the situation. Be kind to your siblings...each one of you has something of value to offer each other. Fighting is no good for anyone...especially your mother.

Meant 'try' not dry!

Just re-read your post and one thing that jumped out at me this time was that you said that you have not visited for two weeks. You don't want to upset your mom and probably don't need another beating when you know you are doing what's right. It struck me that you are already doing what you need to do to care for her yet protect yourself and stay out of the fray. You don't have to subject yourself to any kind of abuse. So I wanted to give you another pat on the back. I think you are on to the right path already! You probably feel hurt that you are being cast in a negative light when you don't deserve it and you're here, actually seeking reassurance while somewhat second guessing yourself. Why? Cause you are a good person with a conscience. Your younger siblings don't seem to have your same character and your mother helped form that. Dry to become duck like and it it roll off your back.

My own mother and my husband's widowed stepmother have both been convinced they others are stealing from them. My mother got excluded from a elder care facility after she physically attacked another dementia sufferer (after weeks of verbal abuse) because of supposed thefts. Or as the head of the care home said "put her hand's on [the other woman's] throat." So far as I could see, the supposedly stolen wallet that my mother complained of when I was visitingt about a month before the attack was actually still in her purse. She then told me "Imogen" had stolen her "other" wallet. I doubt any of these thefts actually occurred. My husband's widowed stepmother repeatedly accused my widowed stepsister of stealing from her, one theft supposedly occurring after this woman had left the state to live with her own dying father. And supposedly my husband made extra keys to her house to give to both daughters-in-law (me and my sister-in-law), so that we could slink by and steal stuff at will -- this from a woman who always left her door open when she was out anyway. Always left the door open -- she had more fear of her daughters in law than of any passing addict or thief. I think that believing others are stealing is just a feature of dementia; my mother has an Alzheimer's diagnosis and the widowed stepmother is secretive about her medical status -- also was about medical status of her late husband (we learned he had died of cancer by reading the death certificate). I find the serenity prayer helpful in this context, that is, you have to change the things you can, accept the thing you cannot and pray for the wisdom to know the difference. I also pray that I will never have dementia but if I live long enough, I probably will. Sometimes I think society's best kept secret is how bitter, cruel and lonely death and the final days can be, first to observe and then to experience. Lynnie, you may be the only adult in your family now - it's a lonely post. You might want to start keeping super excellent records of all financial transactions, if you do not already, because if your siblings ARE doing what you think they are doing, then they may demand an accounting. Meanwhile, it might be just nicer to think of them as being in denial about their mother's decline and finding it more comfortable to pick on their sister than look at the truth. A friend's brother raised similar issues and moved his mother out of the nursing home where she had lived for many years to live with him and his wife to receive care from family in a real home. The mother remained in this home for less than a month before the brother transferred Mom to another and cheaper nursing home on the other side of the country in the town where his other sister lived. My friend was so emotionally exhausted by all she'd been through for the previous 15 years that she did not even defend her mother or herself. But the brother did have a learning experience and never second-guessed any decision my friend had ever made again. He may even have apologized at some point.

Deploy the spies. Ask the staff how these people interact with mom and if she is being upset by them. Ask them to document the upsets. With this in hand you get a restraining order to keep the axxholes away from her.

I agree with the family meeting to discuss Mom's recent outbursts indicating some change in her status, and perhaps change in her needs for care.
That you have records s very good as reference material towards meeting care goals.
At a meeting, it may become clear what the other sib's concerns are--seek out their concerns--get them to express concerns so all can hear them.
Then address and work to resolve the concerns.
A couple possible outcomes will happen:
1] all will cogently discuss the issues and rationally work them out, with Mom's best care as goal; OR...
2] some will say or do things to indicate they are NOT willing to discuss anything rationally, and/or are NOT interested in Mom's best care, or may wish to usurp Mom's original wishes; and/or, will say or do things that demonstrate intention to interrupt Mom's best care towards their own agendas.
You must decide if you are strong enough to deal with the depth and scope of conflict which ONE elder with dementia can cause in rifting siblings apart without them even realizing it's happening.
You, POA, must decide if it's time to become Guardian, or get one appointed [a paid, disinterested 3rd party], to abort further efforts of siblings running emotionally amok, interfering w/ Mom's best care.
You have felt hurt by Mom's accusations, twists on reality--your siblings may well ALSO have gotten twisted up over what they have no way to understand as other than Mom telling them emphatically delivered, twisted perspectives---they think she's telling them the truth, but are too far removed to see it's demented fabrications.
YOU need to stay intimately close to Mom's situation, in order to do damage control.
Get Docs to evaluate. Staff surely may have witnessed some things, too--as well as being also accused.

You were originally put in the position of being POA for a reason, I would assume. Your parent(s) were smart to choose one person to do the job and I bet when they were younger and thought this through, they knew for many reasons you'd do the best job for them. In our family (my husband's and mine) we have numerous situations that have existed with our parents and also, with our own kids and looking down the road, having learned some things from the way our own parents did things. My husband's mother was in total denial that her 'boys' were not the same when it came to their levels of responsibility and planning. She was sort of in a la la land state even when she was fine; wanted these two men who did things so differently to 'just get along'. The problem was, my husband (and I) saved, planned and never needed her money to fund our lives or retirement. Not the same with my BIL. My BIL's saying once that he thought of her money as his and that he had not planned for retirement was really of concern to my husband an me, but we could never talk sense to her. She never ran out of money but she never had the lifestyle she should have had at the end due to these issues and it caused such a rift between family members. We wanted the best for her and wanted her to spend her money to take care of her comfort and wellbeing. BIL didn't. We have made sure that of our six children, the ONE who we know has the best, most cooperative relationship with his wife, the one who shares our values and we have the best communication with, the one who plans best for his own life and family and also is in a profession that makes him the most 'expert' at healthcare issues and legal issues, is the ONE who is going to be our POA, executor, and the one we plan to move geographically to. We have written everything down; we set up a trust through an attorney and we work with two financial planners. We will not put him into a situation where he has to in anyway be "Solomon" and be forced to cut the baby in half. If course, not every eventuality can be planned for. But being in the real world and being realistic is a good start. If our son has to stand strong with any of his siblings or their spouses, he is the best one for the job. I think, since you said you are documenting everything and are doing only what you have been asked to do, you should tap your inner strength and remember you are doing your parents' wishes. You have the support thankfully of some siblings and when you are able, present a united front. Remember, a leader usually stands in front, alone often. You are doing your mom a great service. Try not to beat up on yourself or think you must have your siblings' approval. God bless you.

it sounds as though your mom has some dementia, which can be a result of the stroke. Accusations and paranoia are pretty common in this circumstance, as well as confused or irrational thinking. My mother (who also had a stroke) sometimes has a vivid dream about an event and believes it really happened! Your story about being accused of stealing a baseball sounds like your mom could have dreamed this--unless she had a valuable souvenir baseball in her room! Check with her nursing home staff about their assessment of her cognitive and reasoning abilities. I would expect that they are aware of these issues with your mom, but professional caregivers don't take these things personally as family members do--they just brush the comments off with a soothing remark because they know the accusation will quickly be forgotten by the accuser. You should also bring this up with her doctor, who may be able to prescribe some meds to calm her and make your visits with her more comfortable and pleasant. Right now, it's your word against hers, and the siblings who believe her have no impartial versions of what's going on. I assume you have POA/HIPPAA for your mom's health care as well, so that health care providers can speak freely with you about her care. Good luck in resolving this, or at least getting things clarified, and again, please do not take the accusations personally!

Oh, call the meeting just to discuss the welfare of your mother. You are concerned about her welfare and help do to her recent outbursts... true. Any reason that you would call a meeting of your siblings, & has nothing to do with lying siblings should be a reasonable reason to gather your siblings all together for a meeting.

Perhaps I missed something. It seems that the only way that you know that there are selfish and lying siblings, is because you are mother is repeating statements she is attributing to your siblings. It seems certain that your mother may not be keeping facts straight. If she were, she would not accuse you of taking articles in her room. I would not say anything about your siblings that you do not have evidence to prove. Let's even go so far as to say evidence that would stand up in court. It sounds like mom needs a medical / mental evaluation by a physician. are you able to make such a request through the 'home'?

I like the idea of making a very itemized list of all of Mom's income and expenses. Once your list is as accurate as you can make it, and you have evidence that can stand up in a court of law, call a family meeting with all your siblings. you know your siblings better than we do. I suggest either sending them a copy of the financial statement prior to or giving each one of them a copy at the meeting. Make no accusations or insinuations or even any suggestions, to anyone, about your siblings suspected of lying. I would even suggest a recording device for your meeting. I imagine that any siblings who have something to hide will somehow give themselves away.

It sounds like this is a change in mental status for your mom, yes? You should report it to her doctor. With regard to evil siblings, maybe another family meeting is in order. Mom's dementia appears to be worsening and it may be necessary to obtain guardianship to prevent mischief from being done.

There are two sides to every story. Could it be possible that some of the other children may love mom and want
her to live with them? In some cultures elders are honored and invited to live with family. Nursing homes are simply that. A place where people are paid to care for you. No love or emotional attachments. I am a senior and recently bought a home with on signature on the deed mine. I never want to be put in a "home" for my best interest. If children are willing to have mom at their home I believe she should be there. You seem to have control of the money so I don't see a problem.All I heard in this post is money. We have become a sad culture. I took care of my mom until the day she died. She had dementia and many other problems. I would give anything to have her back. My sister had no emotional connection to her nor my brother. When mom passed all she left behind was an old television. Yep we even had to draw straws to see who got it. I won it.

I meant about "you stealing her stuff".

You must present a united front with your siblings who are in agreement with your Mom's care. Have them speak with your Mom. If you stop going to see your Mom, it will only convince her that perhaps what the upsetting siblings are telling her is the truth. She gave YOU POA. She trusted YOU to help her in this instance of her failing health. While you have "not been back to visit her in two weeks", your upsetting siblings could be convincing her to change her POA to one of them. If that happens, are you or your Mom prepared for the consequences?

If these upsetting siblings change the POA and get on her bank accounts, they could drain her accounts and then the "remarkable place" your Mom is now in (which I assume is a private pay assisted living place) would no longer accept her if they are not getting paid. She would then have to been moved to a perhaps "not so nice" nursing home and things could get markedly worse for your Mom.

Nip the upsetting siblings "drama" in the bud and tell your Mom (if she can understand) that you and your siblings (who are supporting your care of your Mom) are making sure she is well taken care of and you will have none of that negative talk about her stealing her stuff.

Also have your siblings that agree with you speak with the upsetting siblings and tell them to back off! This is not about you but about the care of your Mom and it sounds as though you are doing the very best for her. You have kept excellent records and there is nothing you should fear from "authorities" should they inquire about accountability.

Again, do not remove yourself from this situation and let your upsetting siblings take over (which they will if what you say is true and they want her money) unless you are prepared to walk away from your Mom's care. Again, she made you POA because she trusted you to look out for her interests.

Hey Lynnie.... ask the siblings to leave mom alone? They seem shallow in my opinion?
I really feel sorry for your mom?

Lynnie, this is a suggestion. Bear with me.

1. Draw up a full account of your mother's finances over as many years and going in to as much detail as you think appropriate. You could consider also including an inventory of key family possessions, if you like.
2. Copy those accounts to all of your siblings.
3. Write to the mischief-making siblings pointing out that their accusations of financial impropriety are wrong; that they can see for themselves where they are wrong by referring to the account you've sent them; and that if they continue to make those accusations they are slandering you.

Try to do this calmly and patiently, and then with a bit of luck it should stop their silly mouths a bit.

Then that just leaves your mother. What she's saying to you must be very hurtful, but I doubt that it's all really the result of anything her sillier children have been saying. If her brain functions are getting poor, then her thoughts will be muddled and her feelings overheated, and she's verbally lashing out. It's horrible, and I agree with you that the worst of it for you is thinking that she might believe what she's saying.

Don't stop going to see her. Visit as you are in the habit of doing, and continue to reassure her as well as you can. There are good tips on the forum for deflecting and distracting people by changing the subject, introducing new activities or whatever. I really hope that you'll find that once you've got her mind onto happier subjects, this horribly hurtful phase will pass. Best of luck.

My mother can't hear. People would tell her something and she would think they were saying something else. A large check had to be written to "Maryville Manor." She mistook that that a large check was written to her daughter, Mary.

So, I just don't believe everything that Mother says. She misconstrues everything. Are you certain that your siblings really said all of this?

Well, first, I'd suggest to you that all she's saying your siblings are telling her may not be true. But assume it is. I WILL make the assumption that your mom has dementia, because if she didn't, I doubt she'd believe them.

"Mom, what they're telling you is not true. And if your brain weren't tricking you? You'd know that and wouldn't believe it. You know I love you. You know I'd NEVER do one little thing that wasn't in your best interests. That's why you decided I should have your power of attorney!"

Have her checkbook with you and go thru it item by item with her for the past number of months. Explain to her that your siblings are trying to make trouble because they don't want HER money to be spent taking care of HER. They want it saved so THEY can have it when she dies.

"Mom, I have nothing to hide. Everything I've done with your money has been for your own best interests. If you want me to get an attorney or CPA to verify that that's the truth, I will do it tomorrow."

On the down-low, use some of your mom's money to consult with an elder law attorney, telling him/her about this situation with your siblings and asking what you need to do to protect yourself from an end run. It may be that going for guardianship is the answer.

I would be concerned they were going to do that very same thing to you. Money is a powerful motive for selfishness. Watch your back.