I've been caring for my parents since I was 9, and I'm now 45 and engaged. Is it wrong to want to pursue my life with someone?

you have 2 choices . be out on ur own and start a new life with this new man . or be an old maid and still clinging on to ur parents .
your parents is used to be without you every 2 weeks . im sure they ll do just fine with out u during the whole months ahead .
you can find a good place for them maybe move them near your home so u can go ck on them every so often and have a new life with a husband and start a family of ur own .
good luck and god bless

DulcifromDenver,

I believe what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I have only been caring for my mother for a year now and can honestly say there are days when I think & say, "I cannot put myself, my children, and my husband aside just to care for her. With that said, & realizing that fact, I am able to balance things better. Is there any reason why your parents cannot move closer to you? I moved my mother from OH to VA. In OH she had many family members who could have helped out, but didn't. I am the only one here, so it was a juggle for me at first. My mother was recently in a nh for a week after having surgery (she has cancer), and it was difficult for me to see her in there. Have you checked out an assisted living facilities? They seem to be a much better option than a nursing home. My mother cannot afford assisted living though. I have also noticed that my mother can do and will do much more for herself when I am not around. Sounds as though your parents are doing the same to you. You're very caring & kind and have done the best you can for your parents, but you must take care of yourself too. Good luck to you.

HockeyMom, I am in the same position as you, I do not want a nursing home and my kids and husband are on hold it seems sometimes too. How do you deal with it, sitters? Thanks!

DulcifromDenver,

My guess is that you are probably the youngest of your siblings and what you mean by caring for your parents at age 9 is that you became one or both of your parent's emotional support almost like a little adult. If that is true, then I can understand that because this is sort of like what took place between my single parent mother and me as her only child. It is an emotional/psychological enmeshment that makes it very hard for us to get own with our own life.

I didn't get married until I was 31 and my wife was 34. We both had mom issues that we have had to be in therapy to overcome. The fact that this relationship is the 13th one at age 45 suggests to me very good evidence that some professional counseling would do you and your current relationship a lot of good.

You are quite normal for wanting your own life and left me be bold enough to say that unless you cut this emotional enmeshment with your parents that your future husband is not going to feel that he is fully married to just you. I would bet the 12 previous relationships ended because they didn't feel that you were fully in the present with them and that part of you was somewhere off with your parents. White it is too late to have children, you could adopt a child.

It's high time that your parent's took some responsibility for their own care either through the finances that they have, long term health insurance if they have any or see if they qualify for Medicaid if they have nothing at all. It's not your responsibility for you to pay for their caregivers particularly is they have the money. How can you have a life much less hold down a good job with flying back and forth every two weeks? Flying is expensive and that much flying is not good economics although it does help the economy.

It's all so high time your siblings stopped being so slack because of your over functioning and help with this whole situation. Who has durable POA? Who ha medical POA? What is the doctor's evaluation of each parent's health and where they should live? Have your mom and dad written up their wills and does someone know where they are? Do either of your parents have a living will? Have your and your 7 siblings talked about all of this as a family?

Frankly, you are letting yourself get used by both your parents and by your siblings at the expense of you having a life with the collateral damage of 12 broken relationships over all these years and ate age 45 your almost totally alone at the very time that your aging parents will eventually be gone and then what will you have? I've seen people do this for the sake of something their parents parents promised them, but they are some of the most bitter and angry people that I've ever met.

There is a mindset I get in to that is something like this (8+ years sole 24/7 caregiver...I get $10 day and room board in her house): I will sacrifice ANYTHING and everything ... all the time... of mine for my mother, just so she won't feel bad for a moment.

I have three deadbeat sisters, and I do not allow them the luxury of "they are busy with their own lives" BS. I had my own life, twenty years of strong community ties and income, and let go of that "busy" to care for my mother. They can darn well start now and UNbusy their current lives to BUSY themselves with THEIR parents. They can immediately just drop what they are doing and come help. Pretend it was the Katrina hurricane. I know, fat chance. so you have character and they don't. They will let your parents go down the drain to be cared for by someone else, the state, some nursing home.

So now you are trying to stop yourself from feeling hurt because you'll be abandoning (relatively) your parents after all these years. There are a lot of posts here like yours, with the underlying theme of "how can I stop this from hurting?" Hurting them and hurting you.

When I went to ER with my mother thinking this would be a short hop to the nursing home for her (it wasn't, miraculously)...and they were doing invasive procedures that had my mother screaming in agony...I threw such wailing fits in the ER that the halls filled with security guards, a bouncer, and somber nurses and doctors droning "just let them do their jobs." I screamed such great lines as "WHERE IS THE MERCY? I want my mother to go to the MERCY hospital !!!"

When I thought I couldn't take care of Mom any more, with her agonizing urine retention problem, I threw myself wailing on the sofa and hit the cushions with "I just can't handle your problem any more. I'm so sorry. I can't I can't." I think this impressed my mother that she was worth more than a serious discussion about "how things are now." In cases like this, "understanding is the booby prize."

Those of us who came at this age 55+ have had our "best" years already, but you've not had any good years yet. Recently, I reached the state of internally knowing when I will give up and put mom in a nursing home: when I cannot MEDICALLY handle her day to day. And by that I realized it could be something as minor as sinus congestion/post nasal drip. Her physical discomfort and confusion turned her into a person I could no longer control, actually she became insane.

Best compromise is to probably move them closer to you so you can still be part of their lives. If you are spending all this money, obviously they are indigent themselves, so get them qualified for Medicaid.

Are we trying to be a better parent to our aging parent by sacrificing ______ for them? Did they sacrifice the same _____ for us? Did our parents worry about us feeling bad for one or more moments? ____ NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cut the blasted umbilical cord around your neck, find a way that they can be cared for and safe without such a drain on your personal finances as well as evidently 12 previous fiances, and get on with your life before you die in the emotional womb that will become your psychological, physiological, relational, social, financial tomb!

to luvmom, right now I have a nurse coming in a couple times a week with mom (mom pays for it). I am a realtor, so my schedule allows for me to take time out to be with her during the day, which is easier when shcool is in! I only go over to check on her, give her social time, make sure she's on schedule w/ her meds, and eating. I also assist her w/ her showers and laundry as these are not safe for her to do alone. Now, can she shower, sure, but she also has Alzheimer's, and she gets in there & forgets what she's doing, and then there's always the chance she could fall. She's currently living at a senior apartment facility, and I hope to keep her there until her final days b/c she loves it there. Next month we will probably be bringing in hospice and getting rid of the nurse as mom is not wanting any aggressive intervention for her cancer. Thankfully my husband is very supportive and my children (18, 14, & 6) are very helpful too. We provide all moms meals, and they enjoy helping me prepare them & taking them to her. The older ones love the excuse of going to Dairy Queen to get GRANDMA a banana split a couple times a week! LOL...My husband lost his dad 4 years ago and has taken on the role of making sure his mother is cared for. She is a vibrant active young woman! BUT, we know there will come a day when he will need to make decisions for her as I am for my mom. We have accepted that this is the stage of life that we are in right now. Mom is pretty much like having another elementary aged kid around, but you know, I would not want any one else taking care of her. My siblings who choose not to help will have to deal with their own guilt when she passes, and I can lay my head down at night and sleep w/ a clear conscious knowing I cared for her the best I could. Can it be difficult? You bet! But, what in life is easy? And Crowemagnum, I can tell you that my children are learning compassion and love for someone other than themself right now. It is a sacrifice, but we are doing it the best we can as it is not always going to be like this. BUT, DulcifromDenver has a much different story, and has shouldered this alone for too long. She needs to have a life, but by no means should she forget about her parents and live only for herself.

Thanks for writing HockeyMom. I agree that my kids have learned and are learning that we just dont ever give up. Althou my kids are older, adults now, my oldest tells me I am a saint and it makes me feel good. Mom has lived with us for over 2 years. She is incontinent and gets up at night, my husband and I have no life any more, btw, he is great and helps all he can. I feel like my life is on hold a lot. I work fulltime and mom goes to daycare, then I pick her up after work and on and on... weekends are tough when you see the sunshining and Mom is whining she is cold and tired, etc. Sometimes she is happy and great and we have great laughs, but that changes like the wind. I know I need to hire someone but usually I have so much to do with laudry, etc, its hard to plan anything and its tough to plan not knowing what her moods will be. Thanks for writing, its so tough!! Oh, and about our siblings feeling bad later on, I dont think so, I really dont. I think they are such bad people that they will fix in their minds that they helped, when they didnt. Months go by without them calling, its incredible. They are missing out because Mom can be quite a handful but also quite funny and loving.

Dulci - you absolutely are entitled to your own life. Get the siblings together and tell them how it is. I had a coworker with similar issues. Her siblings weren't doing anything but constantly complained about her decisions. She got everyone together and basically "handed off" her responsibilities. Her mom is now in assisted living. She still visits, takes her out, etc. but the others make the decisions and can no longer complain.

If your sibs won't do anything, then do as Crowemagnum says and make sure your parents are safe and then do what you need to. If you don't, several years from now I think you will wish you had.

Possibly my ____s were taken too generally, but I could fill them in with marriage, house, job, social life, careers, mental health which I read so much about here. I did not mean little sacrifices. I meant destructive ones like sacrificing our marriage on the altar of whatever.

DulcifromDenver has sacrificed way too much to her own detriment beyond a reasonable call of duty or responsibility and over the top of any sound definition of selflessness or denying oneself.

I never said she should just cut loose and live soley for herself, but that she should get and deserves freedom from the crushing burden of responsibility that she treads beneath by making sure her parents are safe and cared for but then move on with her life so that the current fiance does not become the 13th example of collateral damage.