My mother has Alzheimer's and my father is her primary caregiver. I live with them and he expects me to fill in for him. Do I have the right to say enough and move on?

Wow! Judge and jury here... What happened to "if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all..."? I think we should try to be supportive. We don't have all the facts, and we aren't here to judge one another. Give the poor girl a break. She came here for support, not condemnation. Find some compassion, please. We ALL need compassion, and no one has a corner on what's right, except God. I'd like to see a little less bashing here, please. Josephine, your post has caused quit a stir of activity! Praying things work out well for you and your loved ones!

Ok, so the situation on how he treats YOU is not good, but what about care of your mother. When this ? was posted without your explanation that YOU are being abused, I thought "good grief, you can't manage a few hours here and there to spell your father?" You will find many on this board, me included, who left their home, abandoned careers, have no income and no social saving net, no dental care or medical...to care for a parent 24/7 for years on end. Like me for 8 years! (I get $10 day plus room and board.) Also you don't say how old you are.

Anyway, think about your mother's welfare and the logistics of caring for your mother. If you move out, you could still spell your father on YOUR schedule, say promise four days of 3-4 hours each. You could also do shopping errands on the way, offer to do yardwork outside while your father is with your mother.

Since he's leaving to do errands, etc, you won't have much contact with him and could probably be more a helpful visitor, a ray of light for your mother. Not someone always put upon and abused.

This threshold of I want "MY LIFE back!" is something every caregiver faces. And having the right to a happy fulfilling life? sure why not? But that's what all deadbeat siblings are saying while the single sibling caregiver is stuck with 24/7. (Guess which one develops "character"?)

Your father, abusive as you say he is, is nevertheless standing with his wife as primary caregiver. You've posted your original message days ago, so assume you didn't click the "notify me when others respond" button. Are you even reading these? Hello?

Of course I could be wrong but judging from what you have written, josephine, it appears to me that your brother and your father are the patriarchal type that don't give much importance to girls in the family. My German school chum was always "put down" by her father and her brother and continued to be until they died. Now that they are gone, she still is affected by how she was treated. I would not want this for you, Josephine, so now that you have explained your situation in more detail, and now that I know your father, in caring for your mother, is "doing a pretty good job with her" and "is very patient and loving with her" I definitely would urge you to get on with your life just as your brother (who lives far away) is obviously getting on with his life. You mentioned you had gathered information etc. and given it to your father so now it's up to your father (and brother) to make use of the info if they want to. If your father and brother won't discuss important matters with you, and your brother is telling you not to worry, then perhaps you should just tell these two men in your life that since they seem to feel confident they can handle things on their own without including you in their discussions, you are happy to let them do so. But if your voice concerning matters isn't needed or wanted, then you can't be expected to just do their bidding. You are not a slave. You can help out where and when it seems reasonable to YOU to do so but I think you need to move out and become as independent as your brother has become. Perhaps when you do this, your father will see you in a different light and will show you more respect. On the other hand, perhaps not, but by then it won't really matter because you will have more respect for yourself. Go for it, Josephine. And please keep us posted as to what you do.

Josephine, for your own sake, please try to tell us more about your situation. I have to disagree with Ed in assuming that if you were paying your share of expenses and if you had lived on your own before, NOW you would have enough self-respect to not "take" any more abuse. I don't believe that the effects of abuse are that easily overcome. But that's just my opinion.
Ed wants to get to the truth of the matter (as I guess we all do so that we can be fair to all concerned) so, Josephine, how about trying to give us some more facts. How long did you live on your own? Why did you move back home? Was there some sort of an agreement drawn up when you moved back home? As I asked before, did your parents want you back home because they didn't like to have you living on your own because you were female? Does your culture have something to do with you living at home? Etc. etc. We really do need to know as much as possible before we can give you well-considered answers to your question as to whether or not we think (but of course do not KNOW for sure) if you have the right to say "enough and move on" as you suggested. I think if you do not or cannot tell us more so that we have a clearer picture of the situation, there is not much use in this thread continuing. I am sure we all wish the best for your whole family.

Hear Hear! This online support group is no place for any judgment at all. Each of us is in a unique situation, with unique levels of energy reserves, etc. Each of us is doing the best we can, or else we wouldn't even be here! (-: As Tiny Tim said: "God bless us, everyone."

I think that it is hard to judge someone who has been abused, and then asked to care for that parent. I was abused early on, and have been a parttime caregiver to my blind mother for years. She has been living with me the last 6 months but this morning I asked her to consider a retirement community nearby and even though she is making me feel horrible and like a bad daughter, she visited the place and filled out an application to get on a waiting list. I refuse to feel guilty about this, although she is doing her level best to make this all my fault. I have been her care-taker since I was 10 - I'mm 55 now. When do I get to stop and let someone else take over. She is 81 and getting frail. I will be a better daughter when I am not 'in charge'. Baggage from the past plays a big part. Don't judge someone who has been abused before you know what that is like.

I agree, move out. Other wise it's only logical that your father wants to use you as a sitter, who wouldn't? It's all about him, probably always has been.

You have my permission to pursue a fulfilling life for yourself, despite his demands. You have my permission to look for a better job, and flee abuse. In fact, I encourage you to do so, finding the most helpful resources you can find. Time to take responsibility for you, and let him find resources to help him and your mom. It's OK to cut the apron abuse strings. Might feel foreign, but freedom is a wonderful thing. Then you can make decisions based on strength. Best wishes in your endeavors, and I'm praying for you.

I'm sure many will be glad to know you have checked your email and have read the responses to your question. I think many of us are concerned about the abuse that you mentioned. Was it physical and/or psychological and has it ended? How are feeling about things now that you have read everyone's responses? Are you planning on making some changes? I hope you can achieve more happiness for yourself while still helping out your parents in some way. I think most caregivers long for a balance.