Mother 86, has dementia. Things she does are irritating me. How can I get her to do for herself again?

Not everybody is cut out to be a caregiver for the elderly. I know I sure am not. I'm pretty good on being a pittbull of an advocate for my mom but the everyday stuff absolutely no waaaaaay. Is your mom's behavior how she has been for most of her life or is this just not like her. I'd ask others about how they view her as she was when she was younger - like some of her friends rather than family. My mom is and has always been living in fear and negative...." glass is always half empty and it has a crack in it" type, now with her dementia she has added that someone put the crack in it deliberately and put poison in the water. It's important that you can evaluate if what she is doing is just her style or extremely different.

As others have said, what meds is she on? If you haven't had a full gerontology work up done on her, then schedule that. If there is a medical school within driving distance for you all, I'd get that done there. Then gear up for the appointment by keeping some sort of journal on what she does and what time of the day. Having her evaluated by those who know how to do it can make a HUGE difference in everybody's quality of life. They can pretty well evaluate her as to the type of dementia she has - they can be quite different. My mom has Lewy Body Dementia and knowing that she had LBD, we could make adjustments to the floor for her shuffling walk that LBD does and in lighting as her visual hallucinations could be minimized. Then ask to connect with the social service part of the practice to see where she might be able to move to in case that is really what is needed. My mom's NH has as it's medical directors, MD's who are with the medical schools gerontology program. They know how to do her chart so that she can meet the medical necessity of NH if that is the case. When we first went to the geronologist like 8 years ago, they took her off the many many med's she was on as some were working against each other as they came from different MD's (internist, a GP, ENT guy, etc). It took like 3 months to wean her off them. The overall difference in her attitude was startling - she was still Nancy Negative but her anxiety and lethargy went away. A good gerontologist makes a big difference I've found. Try to make time for yourself, it's hard to do that but you really have to - garden, go for a walk, go to the movie and don't even look at your phone.
Good luck and try to keep a sense of humor.

I agree with everything that sunflo2 said in an earlier post. When reading your post I noticed that you preface everything with "I have to..." This seems to indicate that you ARE getting frustrated with your Mom, and that's so very easy to do with a person who has dementia. They do things, or don't do things, that drive us all up the wall. We just have to learn to live with it (easier said than done, I know!) and try to chill a little bit. My Dad still does some of the things you mentioned (like brushing teeth) or tries to, anyway, yet can't dress himself (unless he gets up in the middle of the night, in which case he somehow manages!) But he's become almost an immovable object in many ways, just standing like a stone when we request him to do something! Then he complains if we try to get him to move. He seems to sleep all the time, yet he's up all evening wandering and yelling!

I'm not sure you can get your Mom to do things for herself again. This is all just part of dementia. She may also be depressed. You didn't mention whether she is taking any meds. If she is you might check with her doctor and let him know what problems you're experiencing. Sometimes a change in meds will help. Also, if she's depressed (and you can't blame her!) she might be able to be prescribed something for that which could cause a shift in the way she's acting. Or not. You just never know.

Yep, you need help as you are burning out. It doesn't get better and the demands and frustration will make you bitter and less patient, such that every little thing or conversation gets under your skin. I've been there and am not even in the home full time.

Get some help, it's money we'll spent and if you have control of her finances, you should be able to get some daily help. Consider also reaching out to your church for seniors who come out and will help other more informed seniors.

Set boundaries and try to engage in easier but stimulating and physical activities to wear her out....walks outside, picnic on the deck, a short drive and take out.

Also, educate yourself with dementia reading. This will only get worse and it's okay to grieve and be angry about this awful disease, our loved ones dependency on is and our desire to make everything hunky dory...that we have to let go and we have to give ourselves permission to take care of US otherwise we are no good and can offer no quality time with our loved ones.

Hugs. Go have a cup of tea outside and be just by yourself quietly. You deserve it.

Most likely, your Mom's condition will not improve. It does sound like dementia. Since you are having a difficult time/even unwilling, perhaps call a home health care service to come in for a few hours in the morning to get her washed and dressed. This will give you a good break, I believe.

Unfortunately the dementia will prevent your mom from ever doing for herself again. She just isn't capable of it anymore. Maybe check into having someone come in to help you. Call a home healthcare agency. Your mom may be eligible for an adult daycare but it depends upon how advanced her dementia is. I know this is so difficult for you but try to find some help to ease your burden.

Definitely sounds like dementia. You could consider calling in hospice to help you with bathing and other once or twice a week. Is she involved in a senior center? You sound like you need a reprieve (like all caregivers). Bless you.