I am taking care of my boyfriend's mother full time at in her home with no Respite! She is 92 and what has put me in this situation is her latest bout with a severe CHF attack. She was hospitalized on 2 occasions back to back for CHF and went into rehab both times (from Nov. 28 2013-Jan27 2014). My situation is I agreed to stay with her get her on her feet on a short term basis of only a week or two (as I have done in the past with her). Just that this time it is now two months and counting and she still needs round the clock assistance with all daily living activities, personal grooming and dressing, assistance in the bathroom, driving her to all of her Dr. Appointments, cooking all meals and medication management and dispensing. She is a good person and I love her but feel her family is now taking full advantage of me. She has congestive heart failure, AFIB, lung cancer, COPD, Sleep Apnea, bladder cancer, incontinence issues, mobility issues that now has her using a walker, she is not steady on her feet and has problems with her balance even with her walker. I am super frustrated at this point because no long term plans are being made for her care and she clearly needs round the clock assistance and none of her children are helping or making any plans! I have told my boyfriend that I am exhausted and need a break and his response is you can do more! Her daughter lives in Texas and hasn't offered to help or come out to visit in any way shape or form but wants her mother to travel to her in the summer to stay a few weeks while her 5 grandchildren and others will be staying at there too at the same time. This is not a solution at all. Currently she is getting a second round of PT and OT provided to her in her home. These therapies with this new outfit have just started and could last up to 90 days. I've been with her for 61 already and don't think I can do another 90! I have had discussions with my friend personally and told her how tired I am and why haven't her grown children made any long term care arrangements for her. she simple replies I don't know why. She doesn't want to go into a nursing home, doesn't want to hire any kind of help or aide to elevate me in anyway and I feel so alone and trapped! Her sons won't take care of her (other than occassionally sitting with her for 2 hrs so I can see my doctors one of which is a shrink and I am now on 60mg Prozac and kolonapin to help ease my clinical depression). I have no legal rights to her care yet everyone in her family has just left me to do everything. I am very concerned and shocked at her children's behavior with the wait and see if mom gets independent approach. Her regular md is aware that I am the only one caring for her and he is my Dr. And sees the toll it is taking on my life. I have a 19 yr old daughter living at my house that rarely gets to see me and feels lonely. I simply don't know what more to do to make it clear that enough is enough! I care about my friends safety and well being and if I go her plan is to stay on her own. This would be very dangerous. The only thing I can think that will help me out if this is the therapy that has been prescribed to her is now from her regular md and he is now going to monitor and assess her needs. Hopefully by end of April he will have enough info to prescribe her care! And then maybe she and her family will listen. She has some money to hire respite but chooses not to. She pays a cleaning lady (who is a distant family member) 120 a week to come in a clean an already clean house and do 1 load of laundry. Ashe makes to much to apply for medicaid. Sooooo what gives! Any suggestions on how I can be even more persistent for a long term plan to be made for her and how I can get some much needed relief and get my life back! I am 40 and not even engage to this women's son but have been dating him for 14 years. This... I feel should no longer be my responsibility. I am on disability due to a 3 level back fusion I had about a year and half ago with daily pain and clinical depression. I have lost 25lbs in 2 months and feel further depressed, trapped and now resentful. Help any suggestions?
I am caring for my friend, who is 92 years old, living at home and the primary ailment is heart condition / stroke.
I do think you will feel better if you explore and maybe set up options for yourself outside your boyfriends home. A studio apartment for example. You can choose to use it when you want to.
Since you are providing in home care for his mother, you should get paid for this. Also, if you have back injury that prevents you from work, you need to protect both your body and your disability claim by not performing these tasks.
You are heading toward eventually needing care yourself. Would your boyfriend do anything differently for you than for his mother? Usually you can see what people will do in the future by looking at what they did in the past.
Also, I don't know if you have legal rights as a common law spouse, you may need to look into this. I suspect you believe that your boyfriend will care for you, provide you with his home and such, until you die. That may not be true. The only person who will take care of your needs is you. He could die before you, find someone who is healthy and does not remind him of the past sickness of his mother. All terrible things I hope will not happen, but could and do happen to folks.
I encourage you to continue to read comments, even if people phrase their encouragement too strongly. Don't throw out the support due to poor wording.
You are valuable as you are. You do not need to "earn" value by caregiving.
My response to get out of a bad relationship was after reading you've been dating for 14 years and are not even engaged. I just did the math and saw you started dating him when you were 26 and now you're 40 with no long-term commitment. Of course, we on the group don't know the fine details, but what you described doesn't sound like a good situation at all. If you are satisfied with it, though, is what matters.
Glad you are looking to finding some care for your boyfriend's mother. She sounds to me like she may be eligible for hospice. They could help tremendously if you think it would be good to go that route.
You are not doing anything wrong in caring for someone that means a lot to you. But in your own words, you are burnt. I suppose the alternative is to continue doing what you are doing, die before her and then you will be free……..sorry, but tough love is blunt.