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How do I help my mom when I have to cope myself, be a mom, work, have a relationship, and take care of me too?

Asked by shortmomma1  |  Jan 4, 2012

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Mom has lived with me for 7yrs. Ive watched her health decline rapidly over the last yr. shes a cancer survivor, has COPD, asthma, high blood pressure, neuropathy, etc,etc. Moms in and out of the hosp almost monthly now.
My question is, how do I help her and keep he as independant as possible ? She schedules her own Dr appts, and doesnt allow either my sisters or me in the room, she handles her own money, but in a millasecond shes unable to set up her bipap machine, or cut her own foods. And when her neuropathy gets bad, her Dr has given her the ok to adjust her meds accordingly.Some times she has no idea what shes taken and runs the chance of possible overdose. she doesnt drive anymore, (thankfully) and we take her anywhere she wants to go, but she will in turn have a raging 3 yr olds temper tantrum if I need to spend 1 on 1 time with my 2 pre teens. I guess I am just trying to cope, help mom, be a mom , work, have a relationship and take care of me too

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Carol Bradley Bursack, Jan 6, 2012

Over the span of two decades author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Bradley Bursack created a portable support group, the book "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories."

 

Our parents have a right to make their own decisions - even bad ones - to a point. But if these tantrums are "new" to her health problems of late, then she should be checked for dementia, as mentioned.
It's possible that she's just so frustrated by her other health issues that she's lashing out. But she may be showing signs of dementia, as well. Either way, you may want to see if social services can do a welfare check. Frankly, I doubt that this would do much beyond make your mother mad, and they may not find that she is so unable to care for herself that they can take action. So much depends on where she lives. Anyway, it's a thought.
Whatever you do, you have to set boundaries for yourself. If she gets verbally abusive, tell her you need to get back to your family and that you'll check with her later. It's hard to do this without feeling guilty, but if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your family or for your mom. You'll be the sick one.
Detaching from the issues of a cranky elder who is at risk because of poor decisions or health issues is hard. However, if she won't let you get in-home heath caregivers to come in or else move into assisted living, she will be spending time alone. Do what you can to convince her that she needs some paid help or a better living situation. If she absolutely won't do anything, sadly you may have to wait until there is a health crisis to get her more help. The thing is, she's an adult. Unless you get guardianship, she can make her own decisions. Frustrating as heck, I know. Hang in but do take care of yourself. You aren't alone. Please keep checking back for support.
Carol

 
 

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NancyH

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Jan 4, 2012

Unless the temper tantrums were a 'normal' thing for her to do when you were growing up, then I'd say she has some dementia/alz going on here. If that's the case, then your battle has only just begun. Also if that's the case, then she's never gonna be the mother you used to have, or can she be treated like that mom either. Gotta change your thinking at this point and re-adjust your way of dealing with her. This is going to mean some hard choices I'm afraid. Sorry. Getting old stinks.

 
 

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