How do you handle taking care of a mother that has always been mean and is getting meaner the older she gets?

And you put up with this garbage because ....? Oh yeah, you promised your dad.

Your wife and family put up with seeing you in 15-minute increments because ...? That's one I can't figure out.

Is there a large estate to inherit? I'm sorry, but I'm reaching for reasons and having a tough time with it.

When you promised Dad that you would take care of Mom, did that really mean you would physically live with her, spend every night with her, and basically forsake your wife? You need to see that she is cared for. You need to ensure that she has food and shelter and nursing help, physical therapy, whatever services she requires. It sounds like you are doing that just fine. If she needs 24/7 supervision, either more in-home services are needed or it is time to consider a long term care facility where they have sufficient staff trained to handle difficult elders, nobody works 24 hours, everybody gets reasonable breaks, and workers have a life outside of the care center.

I truly feel sorry for your mom. She is in constant pain, she has chronic conditions that she knows will not get better. She has been abandoned by 7 of her children (or rather she has alienated them, but that won't be how she sees it.) Hers is a sad life. My heart goes out to her. So should yours, and it sounds like it does. But from what you have written it is absolutely clear that sacrificing your family, your freedom, and your sanity is not helping her be a happier person at all.

What you are doing is not working. Continuing to do it and expecting different results is not realistic. Quit barely hanging on. Make changes and get yourself out of this intolerable situation. Honor the promise to your father and your duty to your mother, but figure out how to do it without throwing yourself away. You are way too valuable for that.

Such great advice and compassion here. I am feeling much less alone in this world and feeling empowered to make change.

I went to social services for advice. Her social worker believes it is mental illness that she has probably dealt with all of her life and has set her up for a psychiatric evaluation that will happen in about a month or so. She said there is quite a demand for this so they are back logged.

She said if the psych sees fit, it will be out of my hands and he will put her in a mental facility. If he doesn't see her as a danger to herself (losing pills all over the house and never knowing what she has really taken), she said I can make that decision as her symptoms progress.

I have also arranged for 5 hours a day, six days a week of in home care. My sister, who lives two doors down, is now willing to help, knowing that she will be paid to do so...ironic.

Over the holidays I had a niece visit her. While I was in my bedroom and they obviously didn't know I was even in the house, they had a lengthy discussion about me. Mommy was all too eager to cut me to the bone for nearly an hour and a half. When my niece said, "Well, Mawmaw, I better say bye to Uncle Carl, I stepped from around the corner and said "You don't have to go far, I am right here." You should have seen their faces!

I hadn't talked to my mother for days. Only curt one word answers to her questions and requests. Shes cried every day. "Carl, I am so sick today/weak today." All in an attempt to break my silence. She finally figured out that game wouldn't work and just came clean. However, I have seen it before. She will behave for a couple of days and then somehow forget it ever happened and we are back to square one.

Thank you so very much for all of the advice. I feel much less trapped now. Keep it coming and I will keep you informed of how things are going.
Thanks again!

Lord have mercy, any one living under the conditions you describe would be hanging on by a thread.... sorry, but I would either get her 24 hour care if she can afford it, or place her in a NH.... what is she going to do, get angry and tell lies about you??? She does that now.... so what will change... nothing... except you will get your life back and your family... your wife must be a saint to put up with this arrangement.....
I have nothing but praise for your attempt to keep your word to your dad, but as jeanne said, there are many ways for you to be true to your word without killling yourself.... search out resources and get out of there.... please let us know that you are following thru with this and that you are ok.... I commend you for your sacrfices, but it is time for a serious change.... prayers for you....

Only1, I feel your misery. AND your sense of obligation. Please listen to what you are reading here, and find ways to let it go. You will never make her happy. She will be exactly as UNHAPPY as she is, whether you do everything perfectly, or whether she is moved to a skilled nursing facility, or whether she gets full-time, in home care NOT PROVIDED BY YOU. You cannot earn "good child" points here, much as a younger part of you wants to. You cannot love your Dad more, or honor him more, by continuing down this path.
We all want lots of things in life -- and in death. What she wants in her death is what she wants in life: to maintain intense control over you and anything else she can control, because so much else is slipping away. That's just the way it is. It was said above: What you are doing isn't working. It isn't going to work.
A last ditch suggestion is to find out if you can get her doc to prescribe a small dose or seroquil or haldol or some other anti-psychotic meds. They will tell you there is a black box warning and it's not appropriate. But it's the standard of care in SMALL DOSES and it could help her be less combative till you are able to step back and see that your true obligation is to your family next door. And to yourself. There is already a part of your being that KNOWS it's time to let others, non-family members, step in and take care of her, and it's willing to inform the rest of you of that right now. Let it do so with grace and ease, right now.
Good luck to you. She will be as fine as she can be. It will not be your picture of "fine" but it will BE fine.

This is a case of the tail wagging the dog. Put her in a home and move on with your life. She is just not nice and is happy punishing you for whatever reasons she manifests in her mind. Don't do this anymore. And remember you have a wife to think about, don't let her destroy that too.

1of8, I'm in the same boat. An old friend of mine died a couple of months ago at 53 and I believe he wrecked his health (and his life) by trying to do what we're doing.

You have a responsibility to your mom, but ALSO to your WIFE and KIDS! That means protecting them from your mom! That means taking care of yourself!

That said, I'm not sure what the next step is. Probably contacting a lawyer and finding out what the options are in your state. (that's what I plan to do)

You and I are like the frog in a pot of cold water and somebody cranked up the heat, and now we're boiling to death. The other frogs jump in and jump right back out because the water is too hot!

Ephesians 6:4, "Fathesr do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in discipline and instruction of the Lord."

People cherry pick what they want to hear when it comes to the bible. It basically says be good to your children and children be good to your parents. One begets the other.

My folks are both in care together (at my Dad's insistence) but I make a 700 mile round trip to see them for 5 or 6 days every month and talk to my Dad every day on the phone (I listen and my Dad complains) - that is all I can do as I live alone and have no property or inheritance to fall back on and have to work full time to support myself so I use up most of my days off to make the visits. This is not enough for my Dad and he thinks I should give up my life, change my job (not easy as I am 55 now) and move back to rent something where they are so that I can be 'on call' full time for him and spend every night and weekend visiting. I wouldn't mind doing this if I thought it would make him happy, but it’s just so that he can have me there to complain to (my mum is deaf now and can't/won't listen to him anymore) and to run back and forward doing things for him rather than ask the staff at the care home. Part of me wants to go back so that I can be there for my mum as he is now talking about leaving that home and getting in somewhere else so that he doesn't have to see her anymore as she is 'off her head' according to him - she has mild dementia and loss of short term memory but she still knows who people are and can hold a conversation if people are patient with her hearing problems - he doesn't care about her now, just himself. Part of me also knows that if I do it, there will be no difference at all. He will continue to be demanding and unreasonable and as miserable as he always has been and I will have thrown away my good job, my friends and a life of my own for nothing and I will be too old by the time he is gone to make a new start for myself.
I think I know what decision I will make as one thing is for sure – my Dad was always mean and selfish and manipulative – my mother used to say so all the time, so the fact that he is old had only made him meaner and more selfish and manipulative and he is not going to change just because I am on the doorstep. I have made sure they are both in a care home which is nice and the staff are lovely and they get great care, I will do as much as I can to support them emotionally and visit as much as I can, but not to the extent that I throw away my own health and life.
If we knew for a fact we would be fit and hale and hearty after years of sacrifice I am sure it wouldn’t be such a hard choice, but we most of us know we can’t keep giving so much and receiving nothing but stress without some long term damage. What you are doing is far too much given the lack of understanding you are getting from your mum. She has taken over your life and sees you as her personal servant and because you are blood she is unkind and unreasonable and knows you will forgive her – she would not treat a stranger like that. Did your mother give that sort of care to her parents? I think not! Get in touch with social services and get some help for yourself – you need a) a counsellor to get you through the guilt and the fact that you are sacrificing your own life for hers, and b) someone to take control of the situation and help you find a care home for your mother so that you can get your life back. You are lucky that your wife has not left you under these circumstances so you need to sort it out before things go badly wrong – and if that happened believe me, your mother would only think “good, now you can be with me all the time” so don’t let it happen!
I wish you all the luck in the world in dealing with this, but get as much help from other people as you can – you need it to empower yourself.

What you are doing is admirable, but it is not working for you, your mother, and most importantly, YOUR family. I promised my father that I would care for my mother. She has mean days and sweet, kind days. You seem to have nothing but abuse. Verbal abuse over a long period can alter your personality and perception of reality. If I find myself in your shoes, I will not allow my family to be without me. If my mother cannot live with us, then I will have to make some decisions.. If she is mean all of the time, I will not tolerate it and she will be in a nursing home. She is always nicer to others, anyway. Happiness does not seem to be a factor in your situation in regards to your mother. Start walking away when she is verbally abusive and tell her you will come back later when she can be at least courteous. Find a caregiver to allow you to be with your family some. Otherwise, you really do need to look at options. We get to stay in our homes as we age because we do our part to make the situation work. Your mother seems to have forgotten that other people have rights. Please remind her of her options. It might shock her into some semblance of courtesy. I am so sorry you are going through this. Rebecca

I am so sorry for you-as the others have said -this is not working-you are doing all you can and she is still not happy she has a sense of entitlement-use her money for in home care or a live in-you need to let her know you can no longer do this and call social service-you could give her a choice of placement or full time care where you will only be a visitor-let us know how it goes-many other have the same situation.