How do you handle family members who start attacking you about your caregiving ways?

For some reason when you are the one who is providing the care that the rest of the family refuses to give, you are hated by the rest of the family! I don't know if it is a control issue, or an issue of guilt but they take it out on you. It's not fair and in our case has caused a huge rift that cannot be repaired between brothers. You would think that a family would pull together in this type of circumstance, not fight over it. We have been accused of living off of Mom and abusing Mom. Both of which is easily proved untrue.

Stand tall. You know what you are doing is right and just in the eyes of the Lord. For us our Faith is everything. We do have each other, Thank God! Don't let the negativity of others effect who you are. It's painful, but you have to take control. Explain that you love your sibling, but you do not have to take their abuse. If they wish to be helpful and add to the care of your loved one, then they are welcome to come around, but if they choose to be ugly they need to stay away.

For us, we have a sole POA. This means that we do not have to have the approval of the family to take care of Mom. We just do it. We were able to take a stand and tell the ugly one to stop and when the threats came, we took out an order of protection. We were given no choice. In taking the stand and following through with the order, it stopped all the bickering and ugliness. We had to show strength. Not the outcome that we wanted, but the outcome that was necessary.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself!

Pattie

What if you did move out? It sounds like there are plenty of people there who could take over, especially since they seem to know better than you do how things should be done.

Do you have a good friend you could move in with for a few weeks?

Mine have attacked me more than you can imagine and I hate it. I deal with accusations and verbal abuse. Is it on the phone or email? So much depends on what your position is in this situation. You can just not retaliate, that hate that and you win. I know its hard, I cant even do it but recently tried and it worked well so far. Its usually from the siblings who's mouths are going but they do nothing to help.

What I've done to "protect" myself as my mom's POA and caregiver is to keep a journal. I have every penny, every phone call, and all my concerns documented. It may not help me to deal with the nastiness from relatives, but I can easily prove that their allegations are unfounded.

I wish I had a better idea on how to get them involved and willing to help. They would rather blame me, than help me to help my mom. I'm walking a fine line between the accusations, and the need to have her seen and under a doctor's care. I even contacted Adult Protective Services to see if they could get her to see a doctor. Do your best, weigh each decision carefully, and DOCUMENT it!
-FyreFly

Usually you can not do any thing just stay true to yourself and know you are doing what is right and not let them get you upset and I hope you have a good support group of friends. My mother always said to ignor people giving you a hard time that will hurt them more than anything else-do not waste your time with them-life is too short they may have their treasure here on earth but your treasure will be with God in eternity-pray to God to give you strength and wisdom,

Thanks, both of you. The only support group I have ever had was my sibs. We grew up in the military so we only ever had each other. Now I don't have them. However, I have my husband and kids still and I know they will be there for me no matter what, although my oldest sister seems to think if she bad mouths me to them. They just get a little more mad each time she does it. The statements have been made both over the phone and in emails. They also make statements on our family web site. They have been going into MySpace and accessing my page. They cut and paste what I type as my status, change it around and make it mean something totally different then what I said to begai with. She has evidentaly convinced my mother that I am the one making these hateful statements to her and that she is innocent in the whole thing. It amazes me that everyone is saying that I was mooching and stealing from her even though I had my own income coming in, but my sister isn't working and has no money to speak of saved up, but no one says anything. Oh well, I guess I will just need to be the bigger person here and let it go even if it is causing my medical problems to worsen and I keep slipping into a real deep depression, I need to pull myself up and shake it off. or like they used to say when I was in the AF; "suck it up"

I do not know because I am being pushed around as a caregiver by my brothers daughter, and her son, who threatened me today with, (thats it I am going to beat you up) because they are my mothers guest and I cant say what goes on in her house. So her company is pushing at the caregiver and now the caregivers brother who just had his leg amputated is also coming to live with the 87 year old mother and 49 year old sister the caregiver. My Mother is also taking sides with the great grandson who threatened her daughter it really hurts my feelings because she said that I would have to move out if I called the police. Why would she listen to a threat against her daughter and take the wrong side and what can I do they are here everday. I have told them not to knock on my door and they still do how can I keep justice in my moms house with a lack of respect for the caregiver.

Is there any other place you could live and let then take care of her since they do not like what you are doing-you need to get out of that crazy home-if even for a short while-could you visit someone for a time-please keep us posted-I think I would report this to APS and get them involved.

No there is no where that I can go or I would have already gone. I cant understand why they are so jealous over me helping my mother it does not pay. There waiting here everyday like birds of prey. When they could go out and have a great life.