How can I deal with the guilt and exhaustion of putting my mother in nursing home?

Flozeman, I put mom in a nursing home about a month ago. It was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make. And it tears your heart up. BUT....if you can separate your head from your heart you will know that it is the right thing to do. You can't do it all, not 24/7, not even 18/7. You have other responsibilities, your child and your husband need you to be there for them. Try to do it all, and nobody will get good care and you will ruin your health. Your mother will get better care from professionals who have walked the path many times and know how to care for her. There are so many of us on this site who have admitted their loved ones to nursing homes, and 99% of them will tell you not to feel guilty and they are 100% right. You are a caring person or you wouldn't be feeling like this. You know deep in your heart what is the right thing to do for everyone. We will be here for you to help you through this.

Flozeman- please do not feel guilty-you should feel good that you were able to know you when it was time to do it and most pts. adjust very well to a nursing home-there are plenty of activities if they want to do that and lots of people there own age and situation-the wrong thing would have been to go on as you were and run yourself down and not be there for your family. I know how hard it is to decide and hope you got the support I did-I do not feel guility that my husband died about 3 weeks after we had decided on placement but he had been in rehab for 3 months by that time and it was his health that went downhill not because he was there- he practality lived in hospitals and nursing homes for the past 6 yrs and that was no life.

Flozeman, My Mom has been in a NH for 3 1/2 months and yes it was very hard leaving her there.
She' 93 and all she did at home was sit--now she does several things, looks 90% better, roams the place and has even put on some weight on.
The staff are all super and she has alot of friends her age--or close to it--try not to feel bad.

I think about the same thing all the time. My mom is in late stage AD and I keep telling myself that I know when it will be the right time. She is declining a little faster now. She's become incontinent, can't do anything without help and is beginning to have problems swallowing her medicine. I feel that when she doesn't seem to have any quality of life, that we will have to make the move, but as long as she calls me by name at times, gives me a smile or a little laugh and seems to feel safe and secure, I just can't. I really feel for you and dread that feeling of guilt that I know I'll have, too.

I had to put my father in a nursing home about two years ago, and recently his brother and sister too. I am the sole relative and I felt very guilty at first, but now am realizing how exhausted I would have been if I would have tried to care for them in my own home. I don't think they would've wanted that either. I am exhausted mentally and physically just going two to three times a week and worry about them when I'm not with them, so imagine how worse off I'd be and also them. My aunt was 81lbs. when she went into the nh and now has gained about l0lbs. and is on an anti-depressant and is much better off. My uncle and dad are also on anti-depressants for the first time in their life and I can tell a difference. Also, two of them are trying the aricept patch and giving that a try for dementia...we'll see. I'm so blessed to still have them in my life and feel happy each time I see them and have a bit more energy than I would have if they were living with me. Also, they seem to feel more independent and have more privacy.

That is a very good point. When they reach a certain point, you can't always give them the care that they may receive in a nh. When it gets to be 24/7, it does get very exhausting and hard on your back, lifting that dead weight. I pray that God will help us by giving us our answers when we have to make these hard decisions. When we put our worries in His hands, everything works out for the best. I'm so glad that I found this website because it also helps to know that we are not alone in this. There is always someone somewhere whose problems are bigger.

Yes, I agree with everything everybody has said about placing loved ones in a nursing home. They are so much better off. My sister adjusted beautifully, even though she calls it her apartment. She's been there 1 month tomorrow. Her roommate and her are about at the same point in their dementia, and are really cute. Coming back from lunch, neither one can find their rooms, (staff watches them, and so did we today) as today they were reading everybody's name near the door until they found their room......they watch after each other. My sister at 88 yrs. and unbelievably healthy except for this disease, so may be around for quite some time. Every nurse there said I did the right thing, as they can go home after 8 hours, and I couldn't:) It really wears your health down without you realizing it. I just got over an arthritic flare-up that put me flat out for 5 days....thank God for drugs that got me thru it.
Hang in there, hopefully your guilt will leave when you see how well people really do in nursing homes.

Flozeman>>I also put my mom into a facility, as she was no longer able to handle things in her home. This move was very much backed up by her neurologist. She began with entering assisted living, and as her AD progressed, she was then in a dementia unit, and finally a nursing home. Personally I felt more at ease knowing she would receive the type of care she required, and it was also 24/7. I can understand the guilt feeling one would have with this transition, however on the flip side there was much more peace of mind. Have you considered assisted living? There is a lot of freedom that is offered as well as care...this perhaps would be an easier move, and in fact your Mom, if she gives it a chance, may just thrive with this new environment. Some of the addnissions staff may be able to help with the emotional part of this transition as well. It is a win win situatution for everyone involved.

One Last Tip I would like to share: -I personally found a great deal of help, care, and compassion with an organization known as Hospice. They not only are there for the patient, they can offer support to the caretaker and the family involved. This organiztion, from what I have learned, is greatly under used. I encourgage that you see if your loved one does qualify for ther services. Keep in mind that Hospice, No longer means that one has limited time before they pass....Check out this agency in your area for more information, and see of your physician will reccommend you bring them on board.

I knew, absolutely knew I could not care for my loved ones in our home. I thank God for the nursing home that provides for their physical, medical, social and spiritual needs. It has been a sanity saver for us, and a blessing for even family who doesn't live there. The nurses are dedicated, personable, and caring, and meet needs we could not meet on our own. Is it a perfect solution? Is anything perfect? But we recognize our limitations, and choose to dwell on the positive. It has been rewarding, and has enriched our lives. We believe our loved one's lives are the better for making this decision. They have better health than we could have provided, greater stimulation and a variety of activities, great care from a variety of dedicated professionals who share in the Caregiving burden, and a built in social outlet. The benefits outweigh the negatives a thousand fold. (Not all nursing homes are the same.) We are so thankful, because we have been blessed.