How can I get my mother to get an evaluation and move into a nursing home without throwing a temper tantrum, kicking and screaming all of the way?

How did your mother get you to the doctor when you didn't want to go? Did the kicking and screaming stop her from doing what she knew she had to? Did your tantrums when she made you take medicine stop her? No, because she knew it was for your good. Now it's your turn to do the right thing for her. A little kicking and screaming never killed anyone. Just ask any parent with little kids.

Yep, that's probably what is going to happen. I originally took her to her dr. for her checkup. Dr. already knew her issues but now I really needed his help - but he just gave me a name and number of a place to have her evaluated even though he knew her problem of dementia. Well, that just set her off and she refuses to have the evaluation. So, after several phone calls and conversations with nursing homes, social workers at hosptials, etc. apparently the only inhumane way to get her to be evaluated now is to wait until she falls or worse (how assinine is that???) or take her to the ER. If she won't get in the car they told me to call 911! Can you believe that??!! I cannot believe there isn't a better way to take care of our elderly. So, in the next few weeks, I hope to catch her in a weak moment and convince her to let me have her "checked out" at the hospital. She knows things are not right, but she is so stubborn. Wandering, crying, OCD symptoms, depressed, not sleeping at nite. The social worker told me once I bring her into ER and explain those symptoms, the will admit her, evaluate her and then I can get her admitted to a nursing home. Truly not what I want for her or for me....but as you say, I have to do whats right for her...the right thing for right now. Thanx for listening.

Jayne: My heart goes out to you at this stressful time in your life. I have written repeatedly in this forum about the lack of good alternatives for seniors in general but for Alz. patients in particular. I, too, have been told by the receptionist at Mom's GP's office to "take her to the ER" whenever she has a minor ailment even though she cannot get to the doctor's office because of her mobility problems. I finally started taking her to urgent care because there is no "hassle" - they just take her right in.
I understand that doctors and medical staff become overburdened and overworked, but for a caregiver to be met with flippancy and a lack of caring just adds to OUR burden. I get tired of being "reffered" to specialists etc....it is just a way of passing the buck.
Added to your dilemna is an uncooperative and confused parent. Have you asked the social worker if someone could visit in your home and evaluate your Mom? It might be less stressful that way. Is there a family member, friend, or clergy member who calms her and she responds well to? Even though you are doing what is best for her, sometimes the parent sees the caregiver as the "enemy" who wants to "put them away." Is it possible to have a paid caregiver, that specializes in Alz care, to come in temporarily to give you respite as you get this figured out?
I do not think that it is a good idea to take your Mom "kicking and screaming" into any situation. It will just add to the trauma for both of you.

Thanx Lilli ~ That is an excellent idea (social worker to the home) and I might explore that. As for calming her, I'm the calm one for her. No clergy she is close to. Friends seem to stay away nowadays. Neighbors are a possibility though...hmm. You've really given me some good ideas. She refuses to have someone "a stranger" come into her house and I really don't blame her on that. I actually am the "respite" in this situation. My poor 24 yr old son lives with her and I relieve him every evening and weekends. Except this weekend - Its my wedding anniversary! Yeah! My son has been a blessing. He is the one who took her car key from her - I didn't have the guts. He is the one who said she cannot live alone. I knew it but didn't know what to do. He offered to move in 2.5 months ago and now he needs to get out. Its just too much for him and he feels bad about that...I always reassure him that I could not have come this far without him. Now I need to help my mother AND my son! STRESSFUL. Today is mom's 73rd B-Day and we will make it special. It will be bittersweet though because we have an idea of what birthdays to come will be like.... Thank you so much.

I agree, the best thing for her is to be home. I would call the Dr and explain the situation. He will probably prescribe xanax or something to get her in there. Once on the correct medication she can live at home. Nursing homes wont put up with it either, notice they are usually sitting, medicated. sad but true. good luck, been there!!

Hmmm. Another good idea luvmom. Do you think her dr. will prescribe that for her? I told him she is not sleeping and he is well aware of the situation and his reaction to everything was "have her evaluated" and he gave me the name and phone number of a hospital...on a sticky note...that's it. I don't believe he is going to be helpful with this whole situation. She loves this dr and has gone to him for years...he is non-commital in my opinion. Kinda passing the buck I think. Also, if I keep her home - I will have no choice but to have help come in for 8 hrs. a day (which she will hate) and I'm so leary of that as well. Not to mention the cost. I do know what you are saying about NH and medicating though and that breaks my heart too.

Jay, dont feel bad about medicating, its a lifesaver! My Mom got so she didnt like any dr but her regular doctor, not the skin dr or a substitute so he is best to go to. I would call him and talk to him or better yet take time to think clearly and write a short "to the fact"- letter and fax it to the Dr. ENd it with "what can I do, I need help" and throw it in his lap. if he has been her dr for years, he owes you this much. I personally have had total sucess finally, with Depakote. It calms them right down and they stay on it. Some people take it all the time to control seizures, its not an antipsychotic medication. (no my mom doesnt have seizures) I think the dr can evaluate your Mom from a good letter and prescribe something to get her in there and if not, your stuck. Your Mom is so typical of a person with dementia. My mellow shy Mom started hitting ! She then cried , she knew something was wrong but didnt know what, its so sad and try to not take it personally, its like their brain is all off balance. An evaluation isnt all its cracked up to be, my moms neurologist only said "Hello" to her and asked ME everything ! I did that twice and then I just stayed with the primary regular dr mom liked. My Mom couldnt survive or go to daycare without depakote, your mom WILL be okay, she WILL, its takes TIME and patience getting her on the right dosages, think positive okay and write any time.
Luvmom

Yep, sure is hard getting the attention of some (most?) of the "professionals". Granted, I like most (I presume) caregivers am probably stressed out, impatient, short-on-time, etc. but shouldn't anyone who considers themselves a professional understand that and at least try to be considerate?
I have had many bad experiences with the day-care center where I managed to have my wife (dementia/Alzheimer's) enrolled.
They seem to listen, they make promises "I'll get back to you" and about half the time 2 - 3 weeks go by until either I call them and upset them or they finally actually do get back.
I've tried working through an Ombudsman (state agency) but they seemed to lean more towards making excuses or accepting mis-information (lies?) from the day-care center management.
Sorry for the negativity but - - - - - - that's been my experience.

Sometimes you have to trick your parents in order to get them the help that they need. I know it sounds terrible but if it works that's all that counts. Could you possibly tell your mom that her doctor has scheduled an appt and take her to the specialist instead??? I ended up being very lucky because my mom's doctor was also a geriatric specialist and he had his team evaluate my mom....She was not willing to enter an ALF so I had to admit her against her will which was a horrible experience for all but now she loves it there and is happier than she has been in many years................She now tells everyone that I found this home for her and luckily she has forgotten all about her not wanting to be there. I wish I had done this three years earlier but its a really hard thing to do.......

We just had a horrible experience with a Nursing facility. The nurses are absolutely fabulous. The administration side is a nightmare, also totally agree with ombudsman experience. No question in my mind that they work for the nursing home, not for the best interest of the patient. I can't even go into all the problems they have left us to fix. We've been going thru this since January, we have 7 children involved, unfortunately, all but 2 live in different states. Thank the Good Lord Above it hasn't torn this family apart. Pray, Pray and Pray some more, pray for guidance, understanding and wisdom. Do not pray for patience, that comes with wisdom. Also, we've learned that Urinary Tract infections or really any infections can severely affect the mind of the elderly. So that's something to watch for. When my dad gets a UTI he is absolutely clueless!! Three times worse than usual. Glad I found this, you guys are a great comfort, it's nice to know you're not going thru something alone. Lots to consider now. Thanks. I'll be checking back in very soon.