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I'm back and feeling very resentful towards my mum. Anyone else felt this way?

Asked by  |  Jan 12, 2014

Hi guys and thanks for your support when dad died before xmas.
My family have all gone back and its been a long xmas with family here for too long.
Now im feeling very down and resentful towards my mum I thought my dad dying would make me more compassionate towards mums care but I feel like I just dont want to be around her lately. Am very stressed and snappy at her.

I know i havnt had time to myself and to grieve my dad but shes really annoying me I feel bad but its how I feel. I feel angry and almost hate her for having this awful illness and how its effecting my life.

I know I need a very long break from her but same old problems no money to get away.

Has anyone ever felt this resentment I know its not her fault but shes draining the life out of me.

Help!

 
 
 

JessieBelle

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Jan 12, 2014

kazzaa, you sound so normal to me. I get upset with myself, because I want to be compassionate, but I feel so mean inside me. Anytime she takes 5 minutes to walk to the car or has to go to the bathroom every few minutes when we're out, I want to just bang my head on a wall. I am just not the person I want to be. It might be easier if I was closer to my mother -- I don't know.

Today my mother and I went to church. I tried to talk to a friend of mine when it was over, but my mother just kept walking away to the elevator. So I had to leave. She said she had to go to the bathroom NOW. So I took her. About 20 minutes later we were late for the valet. One lone person waited with the keys to my car. He was very nice about it. Then I took my mother to lunch. We sat in a table next to an elder woman and her caregiver. The woman had the totally blank look of Alzheimer's. No life sparked in her eye and no expression was on her face. But the caregiver was taking her to lunch. I wanted to hug the caregiver, but I just gave her a smile. We knew what the other was going through.

Dementia can be so different person to person. No matter what it is like, though, it is hard on the caregiver. I can't count the number of times I've thought about banging my head against the wall. And my imaginary finger-gun has to be out of bullets by now, I've shot myself so often.

Sometimes I hear people talking about how these things mature us or do other wonderful things for us. Maybe that's true, but I still just want to say "bite me."

I like your solution to things in another thread -- fixing yourself up and getting back into life. We don't have that many years left. I feel like I've been dying for four years now. It is time to get back to living.

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 12, 2014

Thanks guys feel like i needed to scream on here! And stiegman my parents have been seperated for over 30yrs so mums not really greiving im sure she has her thoughts about him but the worst is that she is so negative and wont let me grieve just talks about what a shit husband he was etc.......
My dads grave is a good distance from here and i will go and visit when I can alone.
My mum is just sitting on the sofa watching tv and moaning day in day out meanwhile im trying to be positive and sort my life out her negativity is soul destroying ive made plans now to get out of here as much as i can for my own sanity.
She seems to be going downhill and just does NOTHING gets up late sits in her pjs and is waited on.

I dream of a week in a spa with someone to wait on me 24/7. BUT i NEVER get a break do you know she was called into respite while my family were here(the one time i didnt need her to go in????) she went in on new years eve for a week and all my siblings here I argued with the NH as this is suppose to be a break for me and could she not go in later when family had gone back NO as its free she goes in when they say so? so much for RESPITE.
Im drained I sleep and then want more sleep im cold all the time so will try hard now to look after myself i know im just so run down and grieving for dad.
Jessebelle I so understand you its awful to have such horrible thoughts I know we dont mean it but yes ive run out of bullets too!
Are you dating? We have to try and get a normal life back soon oh my god im 49 in sep please God give me back my life I want to die laughing my head off!
Thankgod for this site I think I would have banged my head against the wall for real if I didnt have this site to vent on.
I can honestly say that since looking after mum with dementia theres times i question my own sanity?
Also yes JB i really want to punch people who say this will make you stronger and a better person how much stronger,tougher and more caring can we be?
I get nothing but "arnt you great for looking after your mum" am I? lucky they dont know my dark thoughts and the madness that goes on.

Heres to all of us and a happier peaceful new year ahead!!!!!!!!!GULP!

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 12, 2014

Just looked in the mirror yes ive aged since this crap! This man is 41 7yrs my junior I have got to have a facelift by the end of the week!! He dosnt know how old I am so why tell him let him guess!!
Oh my god have I really asked a man out? He plays the guitar,sings and writes songs yes he would kinda melt your heart! I clean up after mum all day oh weve so much in common!!!! Anyway if I get a date ill just bullshit you know "life is great yeh bubbly and breezy" he dosnt have to know how crap my life is!!! I wonder if he has any tips for removing pee from carpets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 13, 2014

Hey guys ive only given him my number funny story and a message of hope to all with no life!
We have new neighbours they are very nice and invited us in on xmas day for drinks and an irish sing song my brother plays guitar I was hung over from night before and was casually dressed with NO MAKEUP (take note always wear make up you never know!)
Anywhoo turns out this neighbours nephew was there singing etc then my brother played my dads favourite song and i burst out crying,next thing i knew this gorgeous guy has his arm around me asking if im alright I told him my dad died recently and he hugged me!!(the closest to sex ive had in 4yrs!!) So maybe im nuts but there was a look between us???
Yesterday I thought stuff this hes nice and i dont get to meet guys I fancy i took it as a sign from the angels!! SO i baked a cake brought it into the neighbour with a card for him(shes his aunt) I said happy new year and how I enjoyed his singing and wrote down my number....................................
I will keep you informed anywhoo he saw me at my worst wait until he sees me glammed up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe there is hope? so all you single carers smarten up and wear your makeup even to put out the garbage!! LOL

Anyway if he dosnt want a date then fine ill just have to start asking guys on the street!

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 13, 2014

PPS the lord moves in mysterious Ways!! my friends mum had a triple bypass in August she was very ill for months my friend ended up looking after her in her own home until she couldnt take the stress anymore and her mum moved back to her home. Anywhoo while at the hospital she only MET A MALE NURSE and they have been dating since.
ANOTHER message of hope and we never know when love will come to us so always look smart!! LOL

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 13, 2014

Oh Solegiver thats sad! but funny! I think its my dad dying that just woke me up aswell life is short and you have to really make an effort to get out and grab some fun!
I had a shower and went into town AND put makeup on as i was afraid small town I may bump into him!! HA!
We just need motivation someone or something to happen to wake us up to the fact that there is a life out there and we need to live it!
Im detoxing today and already feeling lighter! a bit weak but thats a good sign nothing like a potential date to get you to move your ass into action my belly should have gone down by next week!
If he dosnt call then look on the positive ill be looking hot for the next guy that shows up? GULP!

 
 

emjo23

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Jan 13, 2014

right on Jessie - be picky. One guy at work asked me about who I was trying to catch. I said I wasn't trying to catch anyone. I WAS the catch. He nodded.
I met one who wanted a nurse with a purse. Not for me. They had to have their own money, not have debt, have a healthy lifestyle, not drink beyond a few once in a while, not smoke, be attractive to me, be intelligent, be good company, kind, helpful, gentle but manly, not have broken up recently,and not talk about their exes all the time and I am sure there were a few other things on my list. I was not getting into a bad situation again. Not worth it. Blending two lives is hard enough anyway.

sole ((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) how do you do it??? Is there any plan for dad to go into a facility? It sounds to me like you are ruining your already compromised health. Happy your ex-l put the spark back into you. Go for it!!! I hope you have a great break.

 
 

solegiver

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Jan 13, 2014

Good advice on being picky! We deserve it!! :) emjo...I really don't know how I do it. I'm on auto-pilot perhaps...and it's true, one can put their health at risk. I think I have. I've gotten alot worse, and medications I have aren't working as well anymore. I'm trying to hang in until my SSDisability hearing next week. I lost my job in 09 due to my condition, and have been taking care of my dad since 08. If I win the case, dad will have to go to nursing home unfortunately, as I can barely get through the days. He's already paranoid and whining that I may do that. I truly do not want to, but I'm the ONLY one taking care of him. It's a no win situation. I hurt for him, and for myself. My life's been on hold for so long. I just want some normality - of any kind. Thanks for asking :) and hugs :)

 
 

kazzaa

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Jan 13, 2014

Always listen to mum! A few years ago mum and I went to a builders shop when we were going out the door she said "you look a bit scruffy why dont you change?" I said "why its not as if im going to meet someone?" And would you believe it I only walked straight into my EX looking like crap! YEP mums always right!

 
 

solegiver

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Jan 13, 2014

kazzaa, you are so right. I'm supposed to be getting a respite this week, but it's been delayed because of full capacity at the unit. My asthma is acting up, I'm in incredible pain with my spine and arthritis, and fibro. It's been difficult not to feel resentful toward my dad, because sometimes he takes advantage. He woke me up 4 times last night on the hour. He's out of his seroquel medication, and couldn't sleep. Now I'm waiting for him to get ready to be put on the portable toilet - after taking laxative. I look in the mirror, and argh! I scare myself! But the respite is coming, and after some make-up, hair fixed, another fake tooth made, and I'll be good to go! :) at least for a few days! You're so right about the motivation of someone. A few months ago, a past lover of mine got back in touch after 10 years, and getting ready to see him again just put a spark back in me....even if short-lived. I'm so sorry about your losing your dad. And I'm happy for you that you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel!! :)

 

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