How do I deal with my father-in-law who is making sexually inappropriate passes because of his Parkinson's Disease?

He's one horny old man isn't he? Maybe you ought to be looking for a college (male) student that needs some cash to start helping with your father-in-law. Is there a senior center around that he can go to? How about getting a dog that would sit on his lap and he can talk to and pet? Maybe he just needs someone or in this case, a pet to show him affection and love. And when he does grab inappropriately, I'd just push his hands away and identify myself to him without making a huge deal of it. If he were in his right mind he'd be mortified by his behavior right?

I'm not sure it is much of a consolation, but inappropriate sexual behavior is not uncommon among people with dementia.

Before Parkinsons he was always a gentleman and very proper. I did not realize dementia could change a person so much. I wonder if it is also why his appetite suddenly dropped in the last two weeks. He also gets up and gets and Ensure, sits down then ten minutes later does it again and again....6 times after breakfast. I called the doctor and he said to let him have what he wants since he is not eating.

I don't think many of us have a very clear idea of what dementia entails until we encounter it up close and personal. Who knew it could lower inhibitions, or increase them, or turn people paranoid, or make very articulate people unable to find the right words to communicate, or eliminate short term memory so completely a person can't remember the beginning of her own sentence by the time she gets to the end, or make it difficult to swallow? Our brains control every aspect of our being, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us that when something is wrong in the brain nearly anything can be effected. But it still is a shock when it happens to a loved one, isn't it?

I wish I knew more about dementia in Parkinsons and how it progresses and at what rate. I see my father in law seem to drop a notch every week in subtle ways.

Dementia in Parkinsons is very much like what my husband has, Lewy Body Dementia. I guess it is the same pathology and what it is called depends on which symptoms came first and what areas of the brain are involved. I really do find it much easier to deal with knowing what is common to the disease. If you google Parkinsons Dementia Symptoms you will find lots of sites to explore. Find one that matches your interest level, and read. Your FIL doctor's office no doubt could supply you with some literature, too.

INKY:

For a lot of people, the thought of the elderly having sexual desires seems kind of gross and immoral, doesn't it? It's a ludicrous idea, because at "their age" that's not supposed to be happening.

I'm 51 one, but I guess before I reach his age my sobriquet might be "Dirty Old Man," "Viejo Guaro," or just plain Pervert. Without anyone to love or a sleep-at-home easily-accessible female, I'll be prowling streets of ill repute and/or seedy topless clip joints where I can spend my retirement money on ghost women I can't even take home just to get a lap dance for $20 or feast on eye candy $1 at a time. If I'm lucky, there might be a peephole between the male and female bathrooms; or a red light crusty backroom where anything goes as long as you can afford it.

I'll have to stuff my wallet AND take my bankcard as a backup, because this natural search for sexual healing shouldn't be hitting my wrinkled body so hard. First, my inhibitions have to be lost to a couple of Bacardi Black; and before you know it -- or even I know it -- I'm flashing pearly whites that aren't even mine. Beer Goggles on about 2 hours later, every female in the crowd will look like Ms. Universe; even the ones with Adam's Apples who couldn't strap their outdoor plumbing before donning that form-fitting dress.

Cold showers are never going to quench my thirst, nor videos of Debbie Does ... whatever. I'll be sitting in the park reading Desire Under the Elms, feeling sorry for myself reminiscing about all those sexy girls I ignored because of their pimples or because I was "saving myself for marriage." Bulls__t. I always thought something better would come along, with a science-fiction body like Angelina Jolie or a legend in my own mind. A custom-fit in an off-the-rack world.

I don't want to admit it, but I'm still sort of picky. Which is why I've entertained the thought of having the synthetic woman of my dreams made for about $5K (and stash it under lock and key in case the real thing pops up when I least expect it).

Just a suggestion ...

Sorry about the typos guys. I was so busy putting myself in Don Juan's shoes and trying to imagine what I'd look and feel like 30 years from now. ... Hot, no doubt.

Ed, I don't think Inky is telling us she thinks her FIL's sexuality is gross or immoral. I think she is reacting to his lack of inhibitions in expressing it. Grabbing one's granddaughter's boobs and groping the hired help is not how to contribute to the smooth functioning of one's household. :) What you are describing as your fantasy retirement life doesn't sound inappropriate to me. Yucky, yes, inappropriate, not necessarily.

I would not have liked to be groped by my grandfather or my father or my father-in-law (or my borther, for that matter -- it isn't a matter of age). But if that had happened I think it would have been less upsetting and easier to brush off if I knew that the man had mental problems that prevented him from recognizing social boundaries. (And also, of course, if he couldn't do much more than leer and grope!)

JEANNE:

What came across as a fantasy was actually a critique of the machistic escapades of some prematurely-aged -- and forever drunk -- men in my family; and a tasteless generalization Latino men who also take to the bottle. (Thank my lucky stars I stopped drinking when Dad passed away 15 years ago. Besides, there wasn't a valid reason for it. ... At least not for me.) Instead of answering Inky's question, however, I went off on a tangent that excused her FIL's behavior and made me realize it's been a year since my last psychiatric eval.

He's an 87 y/o and lonely man who gets away with the groping because some people don't see his behavior as sexual and/or feel sorry for him because of his age. After all, how much damage can he do? If I were a woman, I'd probably push his trespassing hands away and, with a fake laugh, say "You wicked boy." Or, like most of my sisters, make a scene and call him a pervert. My husband would defend my honor. Either that or sleep on the couch without a blanket and pillow.

When my boys began to walk and explore the world, I must have said "Don't touch" at least 10 times a day. If I said "No" emphatically and removed their hand, they'd do it again as if to challenge me. My wife -- may she rest in peace -- would say "Eddie they're babies! They don't know what they're doing." So we didn't enforce the boundaries much. But when I started attaching a consequence to the behavior, they began to understand that "No" means just that -- and the Nancy Reagan PSAs on TV made it much easier.

Anyway Jeanne, it's after 3 am. Thanks for the wake up call.

-- Ed