I took mom to hospital for depression today. They sent her home! What now?

A couple of words come to mind here - narcissism and boundaries..

It is not healthy for someone to want as much attention as your mum does. Maybe she has a personality disorder.Or maybe, with aging, as sometimes happens, she has become very narcissistic, Maybe she has the beginning of dementia. It sounds like a thorough evaluation is needed. My mother's personality disorder was not diagnosed until a couple of years, She is 99. I had figured it out long ago. Has you mum been like this before in her life?. Mother has had it and narcissism all her life. People knew she was difficult but there was never a diagnosis, nor would she have gone to a doctor for it. She happened to be in hospital and they saw it there. It sounds to me that, in any case, boundaries need to be established as to what you will and will not do for her, what time you need for yourself and for your husband and what you will give to her etc, You need to get rid of the guilt (easier said than done but you have nothing to feel guilty about). Using guilt is manipulation and that is what makes me think of narcissism. With someone who is narcissistic, boundaries are essential. They use FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to stay at the center of attention which is what the narcissist craves. They are huge drama queens. If you google a site daughtersofnarcissisticmothers dot com you will find much that is helpful, and maybe recognize your mother there, and also the kind of games that are being played, and how to not play the games. I would think a frank discussion with her doctor - or may be yours, or a specialist and a thorough evaluation is in order too. Mother would not take meds for it so my only recourse is to distance myself emotionally. She is in an ALF in another city- by her choice and really very well for her age, though has a running list of complaints and demands. All I will respond to is something that, in my opinion, is a real crisis. Do I get told off? Of course, what's new? Am I a dreadful daughter? Apparently I am, and she does not hesitate to tell that to other family members. Does she ignore the fact that I have needs too. and my own health conditions to deal with at the age of 74, so I cannot do what she wants me to (even if I would)? Yes, she ignores that. She would make a world war over her oatmeal not being properly cooked, calls it elder abuse. and wants me to take the ALF to court. Do I need all of this? No! The stress of it in the past few years has affected my health, so my contact with her is limited though I "oversee" her care. She is very well off though she can't see it. I am not responsible for her happiness, nor are you responsible for your mother's happiness or anyone else's. I don't think it is old age per se. There are some very good suggestions from the others. Follow up on all possibilities, so you know what you are dealing with, then take the steps you need to, and I wish you all the luck in the world. You are in a very difficult situation and it is dragging you and your husband down. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!

I don't know ... your mother's behavior could be the result of depression. Or maybe she is narcisstic. For all I know, maybe she has an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Dementia is a possibility. Yes, it would definitely be good to get an evaluation and a treatment plan.

Whatever she has, you need relief. Don't get so busy arranging for her evaluation, etc. that you overlook arranging for some respite time. You will need that and you certainly deserve it regardless of what your mother's problems are. Like putting your own oxygen mask on and then helping others in an airplane, take care of you first. Nobody benefits if you get a permanent case of the screaing memeeis. And I think the place to start is to get some private time.

I'm in the same boat with my mom. She's good in front of others, but she's been & still is very depressed esp. since Christmas eve. Needless to say xmas was a sad, dark day. I'm an only child with NO help. My mom did attempt suicide in the past (2004), and I found her in time. Now I can't ever trust her again & her severe depression concerns me. I know that if she decides to try and end her life again, it's not my fault. EMJO is correct in all she said! I've read alot about DAUGHTERS OF NARCISSISTIC MOTHERS, and I think reading up on this would explain alot in your situation. You deserve to have privacy and not be an abused caregiver! "Perfect Daughter's" is another awesome book that is helpful. God Bless, Kathy

Are you saying by some miracle your mother suddenly turned off her tears and acted 'normal' at the hospital? If that's the case, then instead of depression, it sounds like your mother ought to win an academy award for best actress. Are you sure she's not 'acting' for your sake at home? I mean either a person is depressed or not right? Which is she REALLY? Whining at home for your attention because she's depressed, or is she just an expert at manipulation?

Save yourself and your marriage by setting some boundaries. You see the game she is playing with her emotional blackmail tactics. Let her dance her dance, but you don't have to dance with her. Does she really need you there 24/7? I imagine that your husband would like to have his wife back as much as you would like to have your life back. Is getting a therapist to help you not be so vulnerable to your mother pushing your buttons? I wish you well in seeing that your mom is safe and taken care of without having yourself and your marriage thrown under the bus.

My grandma does this. She's not depressed, but she pretends she's charming when she's really a very difficult person.

I myself have had depression since I was a teenager. When I would go to the psychiatrist, I would pretend nothing was wrong. My explanation was that I forgot what happened. Your mother probably thinks nothing's wrong. She probably thinks the doctor's wrong about his assessment.

I know also about being hospitalized for psychiatric illness. I was hospitalized myself. With depression, as long as the person is not a danger to him/herself, or to other people, there is no obligation to keep the person hospitalized. If your mother is a danger to herself, you must take her to the hospital. If she is lying when she gets there, that is not good enough, because she is still a danger to herself.

If the hospital seriously did not accept her based solely on her word alone, tell your doctor. And then take her to another hospital with a good reputation for treatment and assessment of mental illness. This is unacceptable.

Hmmm ... I know that people with dementia can often hold it together at an office visit or in front of relatives for a few hours and seem normal. There is even a name for this -- it is called showtiming. I don't know whether it applies to depression, but I wouldn't be surprised. Naheaton, showtimers do indeed seem to have amazing acting skills. But none of them can sustain that for more than a few hours, and evenutally those with dementia can't pull it off at all.

I'm puzzled about why Mom was sent to a hospital. Was she threatening suicide (or homicide)? Was there some emergency related to her depression? It would seem to me more common to refer someone with the symptoms you describe to a psychiatrist and/or a mental health counselor. A geriatric psychiatrist might be an appropriate choice. She needs to see someone who is qualitifed to assess her situation and prescribe a course of treatment. I'm just puzzled why that would have to be in a hospital. Perhaps there is more to this than you wrote about.

If she can get some treatment that is effective, maybe she will not need to be a shadow permanently attached to you. That would be a good outcome, and worth working toward. Or maybe that is not going to happen.

What I think you need to do is arrange to have some private time. You need to take care of yourself and of your marriage. If Mom can't afford to pay for in-home care, spend some energy researching what assistance programs she is eligible for. I'd say do that now. If she gets treatment that helps her be less dependent, that is a bonus. But don't wait for that.

Good luck to all of you.

My Dad has chronic depression and it seems like his mental health has gotten worse the older he gets. He sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist on a regular basis. I had the same experience when I took my son for depression to the hospital. That's because the ER isn't going to do anything unless he is a threat to himself or others. What worked for this situation and will for yours is making an appointment with the Dr, psychiatrist and counselor. Perhaps you can call your local hospital and talk to the folks on the unit for treatment of mental health issues for a possible referral.

I'm not qualified to diagnose your mom, but I will say that for dementia patients it's extremely exhausting to 'act normal' in front of others. They understand there's something wrong with them and are terrified of being seen as 'crazy,' or having Alzheimers, or whatever. My point is that folks with a mental deficit are struggling to fit in and eventually reach a point where they just explode. Caregivers, being trusted and loved (believe it or not), often take the brunt of that. This may be of significance to your situation.

The heck with the hospital, go to a neurologist with her and get the truth on whats wrong. My Mom could fool in the beginnings, but soon she will be worse and not be able to. Good Luck, I know how hard it is, been there, still there.