How can I deal with anger and depression associated with Caregiver burnout?

As I read your "vent" I could totally relate to your burnout. I, too, am the only caretaker for my sister who has a dibilitating illness that only gets worse as the months go by. Some days I feel like I can't do this another hour and then, once again, I take the plunge and just keep going because there is no other option. My sister has a twin who lives in another state as does her only child and I would love the opportunity for them to care for her even one month a year. But they make every excuse why they are unable to have her come even for a visit so you can guess where that leaves me. Because I'm unmarried, and they have husbands and family, they think that it is a cakewalk for myself.
I try to cope by working on little projects which take my mind off the fact that I am so housebound. I recently started teaching myself to learn to play the piano on an electric keyboard and I cannot tell you what enjoyment I derive from this. I also am trying to learn to use a serger which has been sitting in a closet for years. These things keep me busy in another way and "up" so to speak. I have never been a housebound person and love the outdoors and fresh air so as often as possible I load her up in the car and although we can't get out and walk or ride a bicycle like days of old, we can enjoy the drive and the beautiful scenery as the seasons change where we live.

I hope these few ideas give you some insight to some of the things that you, too, can perhaps take advantage. I often think if the shoe were on the other foot, would my sister care for me as I do her. I would hope this to be true and she often tells me how she appreciates my help and that in itself is payment enough.

I am fortunate in that I do not work outside the home as I am retired (I am six years older than my sister) and the job of taking care of my sister is a full time one for me.

I do hope you can find some "hugs" for you in my comment and are able to see tomorrow as a better day. Hang in there and keep on truckin' Angel of Mercy.

I take care of my 90 year old Dad and have the same feelings. But I look at it this way. What if there was something wrong with me when I was born. Would my parents of given up on me and put me in a facility for someone else to care for me? Unconditional love is what it comes down to. Somedays I want to pull my hair out with the dementia and his anger, but I have come to a point that I except what has happened and try to make each day a new adventure. I also work full time and get no help what so ever from my family. Venting is so important even if you feel no one cares. Don't bottle up your emotions get it out or you will end up getting ill yourself.

Oh my...Sound like you could use a little vacation from mom. I have been there and everyone who has ever been a caregiver knows where you are coming from. But,like you said this too shall pass. I admire you so much for hanging in there ~ my mother passed in 2009 and I was glad that I stuck by her even though there were so many times I didn't think I could. I used prayer and meditation for my strength to go on and my belief in myself. This helped me to be more relaxed and I began to know that I was doing something very important. I was determined not to let her down...After all what could be more important than being with a loved one in their last days. Lord knows it is a challenge, one that does change your life for now...but when it is all said and done you will be blessed. I think the experience made me a better person and it really changed my views on death and dying.
Your are an angel and I hope that you take good care of yourself and give yourself lots of credit for your goodness as a daughter. Talking about the anger and disappointments along with the beautiful moments of caregiving is healthy and normal...so never feel guilty. It is all a part of living! Lots of Love and hugs for you!!! Bobbi Henderson

Hello b59, I've tried several times to start typing this note to you and am not sure exactly why my heart and mind can't find the words. Maybe it's because your situation reminds me so much of my own. I have it so much better than most (it seems like it anyway), so why should I feel so angry and then so guilty about feeling angry. My Mom is a great lady with a wonderful sense of humor and a positive attitude about things almost all of the time. I feel so selfish even thinking that I'd like to travel more or see my friends more, or whatever. We do the best we can do and that's the best we can do! I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm reaching out to you with hugs.

I can totally relate. I am 33 years old and my mom suffered a massive stroke at the age of 56 about a year ago. I lost my dad at a young age, so it is just my brother and I. My brother lives 30 minutes away and does not help at all either. I work full time, I have two kids (one being a teenager), and a newlywed husband that I married just before all of this happened. I live 2 miles from my mom. I am her primary caregiver and I too have had to give up a lot of my life. I rarely see my kids, I am not with my family until about 10:00 at night. It gets very frustrating, but I know it's not her fault and she is just as frustrated as I am. She didn't want it to be this way for either of us, but it is what it is and we just have to adjust. You can't be happy about it 100% of the time, but you have to try your best. A wise person once told me that God only gives you what you can handle. When I start getting frustrated, I just try to keep that in mind and do the best that I can for everyone. I have accepted that I am only one person and I do that best that I can. When you do good for others, good will come back for you. It just takes time. Good luck! I hope it works out for you!

Your story sounds so much like mine. I care for my 92 yr. old mother-in-law, who lives with us, and has for the last 18 years. I don't work, but do have part-time, in home care for her. . She now has alzheimers and can't do a thing for herself outside of drink a cup of tea or spoon a little food into her mouth. You begin to wonder when will I have my life back. She is a sweet lady and absolutely loves her boy. The worst part is just watching her body shut down in very slow stages. Very depressing to watch someone die over the course of months... and then years. It's been beneficial to read my bible, exercise everyday (keeps some good mood endorphins going) and have outings with good friends. To get away from my anger and frustration I make it a point not to talk about the situation when with my friends. Sure, there's one or two that I confide in, but there is a group I lunch with that keeps it lighthearted. It makes things feel normal for a little while. Just remember, this too shall pass and when it does you will be well blessed for being such a wonderful person.

I hear the pain and frustration of what your going through. First of all take a deep breath, and give your self a pat on the back!! You deserve it!! You are an amazing daughter who has made many sacrifices to make sure your mom was cared for correctly, and her needs met. With that being said however I truly feel that you must give your self some extra time just for you. Is their a way to set aside a day each week just for you? Drop in to say hi to mom and all, but you really need to make sure you get the time you need to relieve some of the stress. Are their any one who would be willing to help you? I'd even look into local community services that have low prices. To take good care of her you must care for your self first, and I am sure she'd even agree, and want you to have time to live your own life. I know how you feel just in different ways, but a couple months ago I came in close contact with the "caregiver burnout" that I had only heard of up to that point. Not a good place. You must find ways to get back to you, and your likes in life. Maybe meditate? Spend time with friends. Even join a caregivers group in your area so stories can be shared, and you don't forget that your not all alone in this, and people do care. If you reach out I'm sure you may be able to get extra in-home care for mom so you can relax, and catch up with your life, and things you need to tend to. Glad you came to this site as people really try to help others with whats going on. Best wishes, and hope something I said or suggested may have helped or gave you a fresh idea on the matter. Remember take care of you as well!!!:))

As many others have said in the previous comments...most of us know exactly how you feel and some (like myself) are still going through the same thing. I have gone through periods of depression and anger - particularly at my family/siblings who have totally abdicated their responsibilities and left pretty much 99% of the caring for our Mother to me. The anger will eventually pass though it is awful while you are feeling like that. Ii find it builds and builds and then I have a blowout, bawl my eyes out with anger and then start to calm down. I work part time thank God because it's the only thing that keeps me sane - it's my vacation from taking care of Mom. I've worked all my life too - never married, no kids, so of course my siblings kinda think - what the hell, sure I have nothing else to do but care for Mom. I do try to take a day out for myself at least once every 2 weeks where I just go away for the day, meet friends for lunch/dinner, go to see a movie and usually end up in a bookstore because I love books. I wonder if getting a pet would help you. I have two dogs that were the best presents I ever gave myself. They have seen me through some sad sad times and are always so glad and excited to see me when I get home from work I don't know what I'd do without them. There have been moments when they were the reason I kept going. I don't know but maybe think about getting a pet - you might be pleasanty suprised. Good look on your journey. I've been caring for my 92yr old Mom for 13yrs now - she has dementia and hasn't recognized me in a very very long time. I keep thinking that it cannot go on for long more and I know I will be able to sleep well and look at myself in the mirror and know I've done the best I could for my beloved Mom. Whenever it happens I will be sad but relieved too. Take care of yourself and take comfort in the fact that you are most definitely not alone.

Please let me just say.... Bless your heart I think your feelings are very normal and understandable... Please find a caregiver support group in your area. You do need to take care of you too... Without you your Mom would be in real trouble... take care!