I am depressed, tired and discouraged from caregiving and that’s not the real me. What can I do to get back to my “real” self?

For me, from the moment I started caregiving I lost a sense of self. Friends scatter and family looks the other way but are quick to criticize.

The next time your sis and her hub starts to complain, tell them that you would love it if they would come for a visit and try out their theories of caregiving. Then you can take a vacation. If sis becomes disrespectful on the phone, tell her politely that her comments are not helpful and that if she cannot "get with the program" you do not have time in your busy day to listen to her. Do this everytime. You are giving her your valuable time and she sees it a power trip. Trust me they do not care about your mom...most are looking after their inheritance, etc...

Right now, start looking for alternative living situations for both your mom and mil. Start conversations about how you are only one person and that at some point you will have to look into more appropriate environments for both. You also have a big responsibility to your child and family and your health is being impacted. If you start the conversation now, before everything becomes critical, you are laying the ground work for the future and it is respectful to your family members.
The one big thing I learned is that caregivers are giving by nature but we are terrible at taking care of ourselves. NO ONE will do that for you. If you collapsed tomorrow everyone would survive and find someone else to do the work for them. Do not let guilt be your guide...that's deadly.
Start today by calling ALFs and scheduling visits. Gather brochures and start the conversation with the fam. If others want to be responsible for Mom and the mil - great. If not, you have your own plan. (btw, hub needs to talk to his own family about pitching in with the mil.)
good luck

I feel for you in your situation. I lost myself 11 yrs ago when I remarried. Six months into my new marriage I realized my husband has major depression. It was quite a struggle to get him to a doctor as he didn't believe it was depressed. He was just tired. He would sleep 48 hrs straight. My caregiving started then. I was a business broker and making a pretty good living so he just stayed home for days on end. He is self employed and only works when he wants to. Now his diagnosis has increased to major depression with panic disorder. Also now my company folded with the crappy economy and I lost my job...also now I've had to take in my mother who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and adult failure to thrive. Me? Who knows where I went...I'm not in my body anymore. Now I'm on antidepressants just to survive. I love them both dearly, but I fantisize about running away all the time. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hope tomorrow will be a better day. This weekend for the first time I will put my mom in a respite home for 5 days. I'm stressing out about that. She will think I've abandoned her. But I've been sick myself now for almost a week and don't seem to be getting better. I have to have a break or I won't be able to continue. Thank God there are resources out there to help us. Look for them. I had to have help. Hospice comes 5 days a week to bathe and dress her. The aide comes at 6:30am so I can never sleep late. That hurts when you have to be up half the nite too. Once or twice a week the nurse comes to check her vitals. Social worker checks in with me from time to time. It was she who suggested the respite. I was crying so hard I could hardly talk to her. I look forward to next week being better after I get this break. Take advantage of whatever you can find. If you have to decide on an ALF or even NH don't beat yourself up too much(easier said than done). Everyone's different. Some can do this job of caretaking and others just can't. Doesn't mean you're weak, just means at this time in your life with all that's going on, you just can't take on another job. And it is a job. Mine is full time. If yours is not yet, great, but it will be one day. They are not getting younger or in better health. If you are the caregiver now, you probably will be later too. Unless your sister steps up to the plate and takes mom in. A start up business is incredibly time consuming and back breaking. I salute you for even taking on this challenge. Add a college age kid and a disabled child and health problems of your own and.....well...just sayin.....
I wish you well. I pray for all the caregivers who are struggling and fighting the fine fight to give or parents a happier life. Take care of yourself.

Of course you are depressed, tired, and discouraged. Good heavens, look at all that is going on in your life right now! For some of us, just the hormonal changes of menopause are enough to cause depression, without any situational triggers. I had post partum depression after each childbirth and menopausal depression as well. I can really relate to your question. I don't think people who have never been clinically depressed would understand that what we are looking for is not a happy pill or a fix -- it is to return to our "real" self! When I've been depressed I feel like, "Who is this imposter who is using my body?"

I think that Lilliput has given you some very practical action items. But if you are depressed, if you are "not me," then I think that is what you need to address first. You can probably get your PCP to prescribe an antidepressant, but I recommend against that. Instead I suggest seeing a specialist (probably a psychiatrist at a mental health clinic) who will do a thorough evaluation and probably prescribe either a drug or therapy or both. This is like having diabetes -- you may need both a medication and education about things to do. Once the "real me" is back in place you will be in a much better position to take the actions needed to improve your caregiving role. You may have to go outside of your small town to do this, and you may have to wait more than you'd like to to get an appointment, and all this is a hassle while you are a caregiver and mother and business owner, but it really is important to get back to "me." It is the foundation of everything else you need to and want to do.

Best wishes to you, and keep us informed of your progress.

Ask for help even if it is just a couple hours a week, reconnect with old friends and family and old interests make it a point that care-giving is a non-topic for most of the times you are away from it, just to give yourself a breather so it isn't like it is all there is in your life. Take good care of yourself as well as the person who is receiving the care.

okay Rosetindall -- I do understand where you're at and I'm there right with you. Since this journey i have been on i've decided society is divided up between those who care and those who do not. Talk is cheap and i no longer have any expectations. I wrote a letter to all my siblings at once just saying what's going on, what's involved, and just a short paragraph of how this has deeply affected my life. I wrote that I am not the same person I was before, and will do what is required. when the time comes for this person to pass (if she passes before me), I will not be holding a service. the end. to be totally honest, with what i've gone through and what you've gone through -- the last thing we need is siblings crying over spilt milk -- my feelings is that they should have been here to be with her while she's alive.
There i've said my peace.

I found when I was caring for the husband any little thing I could do to give me more power was good sometimes I would make believe I did not hear his bellowing for attention and wait maybe 5 mins to ask what he needed now made me feel more in control and I stopped feeling bad whe he got angery-when he was really angery he could do things for himself it was amazing how the anger made him able to do things he should have been doing and when he was mad about anything he would give me a little break-the sky did not fall down if I made him wait a few min, for attention-so any thing however small that makes you feel more in control is good-I had to tell myself often I did not deserve to be treated badly and that helped me-think of the thing that really gets to you and think how you can change that one thing and do it and soon you will feel more in control.

BTW...Austin is a smart cookie. Try what she suggested. Take a little control back even if it's in small ways. It'll make you feel better and stronger. Lilliput too has good advice and Jeangibbs.
Sosad....I have three brothers too and no sisters. Brothers are mostly helpless unless their wives want to help out. Mine don't. I also have three sons and no daughters. Same situation. Daughters-in-law too busy to help and are certainly not going to wipe their grandmother-in-law's rear end. I'm it, period. Or Nursing home. I just can't do that yet. I'll keep holding on as long as I can. But I'll take all the help I can get. Thank goodness for Hospice! Hope you find help.

NoName, when my husband first developed dementia he was up 5 to 7 times a night. I quickly became a zombie. His sleep deprivation made his problems worse. It was a nightmare. When his neurologist asked which symptom we wanted to tackle first, I said it had to be the sleep problems because I would simply not be able to keep him at home if we couldn't resolve that. We had one false start, but soon settled into a routine with a nightime drug. That was 8 years ago. Hubby still takes it, still lives at home, and neither one of us are sleep deprived zombies. You would be amazed at how much difference that makes!

If you haven't discussed the sleep problems with MIL's doctors, I urge you to do so. If you have, try again, with more firmness!

You are doing a wonderful thing. I wish you great success with the social workers visit.

Go to senior center or health department
both can find help for your mom so you can have respite care
I did because i am soul caregiver to my mom
the government offers many programs for those who qualify and if she does not qualify it is only because her income or savings is too high
in that case senior center can give you angencys you can hire. Take advantage of them all
and try not to talk to your sister too much on the phone scrreen all calls
i have the same almost