Dad with dementia, Mom in denial. What do I do?

Pam and Everishlass have this pretty well pegged. Your mom's going to have to be the one to make decisions on this. As dreadful and random (older) onset dementia is, early onset is even worse since it affects people still in their prime work years and often with younger children.

One thing about insurance. Now people must be accepted for insurance even with a pre-existing condition. If you dad can no longer work, your parents may qualify for a subsidy. If you mom is too upset to look into this, see if you can help or a friend of your parents. I'm not saying it will be free, but likely there will be some help.

Good luck,
Carol

If your mom doesn't want to put your dad in a nursing home there's not a lot that can be done except to keep chipping away at your mom and hope that she changes her mind. If you do this you'll risk alienating her altogether. If she's in denial you won't be able to get through to her. If we had the power to snap people out of denial we'd do it and "denial" wouldn't even be an issue anymore but it doesn't work that way.

You're looking at it from the perspective of an adult child. But this is your mom's husband, her partner, and the father of her children. From what you wrote she is very devoted to him.

As time goes on your dad will get worse and your mom may be more amenable to listening to your point of view but until that time comes just try to be supportive of her and help out when you can. That's about all you can do right now.

Rude does not qualify you for a nursing home. Nor can you tell her how to run her home, at 21 you are still a baby in her eyes. Support her, support your brother. If he has an actual MD diagnosis for Alzheimer's, he will qualify for Medicare at any age. Go to ssa.gov and look at the application.

Write or E=mail your father's doctor and tell him the behaviors you observe in specific terms. Time of day, how many times a day or week. Send a copy to your mother's doctor also. Neither doctor can talk with you, but at least they have an idea about what is happening. Maybe there is a medication for your dad. The doctor's can discuss a safety plan with your mom or brother if your dad gets violent. (Leave the house, go to a neighbor's, call 911 for example). Has you Dad hit anyone yet? Tell the doctors.

The next thing is the hardest, do not alienate your mother. Take her to a restaurant for brunch, out to tea, shopping etc. Do not bring up your Dad, just give her time off until she asks for help. She might never ask, but at least will see you as an ally.

Talk with your brother about flying below your Dad's radar. This is a skill he will need in many other situations in life.

I compare your experience and mine & my brothers' to watching a train wreck in slow motion. I agree with MikeB26 to find a good social worker, and check this site every day like I do for your questions. Talk with trusted friends, not to bash your parents, but to gain insight and see what contacts they may have. It can be amazing! Some ppl may have answers, but don't want to speak up unless you open the door 1st. Chances are, they have seen your parents in action also & will be willing to help. God bless...

Kirtland, perhaps your mom has dementia as well?

I do believe my mother has some kind of dementia taking place as well. Her behavior is almost child-like. I want to spend time with my parents, but it's very difficult being around my mom now. She no longer asks me about my life or her grandchildren. She seems to only want to complain about my dad or judge his behavior. I find it getting harder and harder to visit them or spend any time alone with my mom. I just want to scoop my dad into my arms and protect him from my mom.

when they got married the vow they made was to love each other through sickness and in health. the one thing she does not need is listening about him going into a care home, it will make her more determined to carry this out, his illness will eventually take its toll on her,physically and mentally. youre mum remains oblivious to his mood swings, she does not want to part with him at this moment in time, he is her lifelong partner, a husband and a father.youre mum will know when she can no longer care for him, only then will she make her decision, she will need you and youre brother to comfort and support her more than ever,it is not easy to see youre dad behave like this, but more difficult to see that youre mum is in denial, she loves him as he is, not of how he was before he took ill. it will be hard for you seeing youre mum become tired and stressed out, be there for her. only she can make the decision to put him into care, no-one else, don't mention his illness, or a care home again to her, let her be the one to admit she can no longer cope.one day she will , until then be there for her.it is a big decision for youre mum to make but at this present time she is not ready.

Meantime, help your brother deal with a new reality. The two of you are going to get some big practice at not taking stuff personally. What someone says to you, even if on the face of it it's a statement about you....... is not actually about you, it's symptomatic of what's going on with them.

I experienced this with my parents, in their mid-80s. Mother had early Dementia...dad just didn't understand it. I don't think he was in denial as much as, just didn't understand it, nor did he try to learn about it and grasp it. I think their age and cultural roles of their era contributed greatly. Your scenario can take many paths.
Your mother may or may not come out of denial and realize something needs to be done. It may come to the point to where you and your brother will have to be more demanding and aggressive in getting done what needs to be done. You've received some good advise from others here....take it as it comes and be supportive of your mother and family. Prep yourself for a bumpy ride. You'll probably in the future have to take-on roles and do things that you never imagined. Just know, that's not unusual. You can vent here.

May peace find you, your father, mother and family.