How do you cope when you have to care for your mother-in-law because your husband's family won't?

First, let me say kudos to you for being the adult among children and putting the needs and feelings of your in-laws ahead of selfishness. However, this does not mean that you should be taken advantage of.
Do your in-laws have enough income to hire in-home help? If so, schedule paid caregivers to come in 2 times a week or so. Or, if you are interested, draw up a contract to have your in-laws pay YOU to do this work (that should get the siblings attention.) My Mom's caregivers do personal care (bathing, etc.) and shopping (the cost is $12-18/hr - a bargain in my book!). This little bit of help really gives me a break. If the other children complain about their diminishing inheritance, tell them that they can "substitute" for the paid caregiver whenever they'd like.
Continue to visit and do things for your in-laws...but only as your time and schedule permit. You are getting your in-laws too dependent on you. This happens as seniors age. They find the person who will is dependable - then work him or her to death. It does not make for a healthy relationship.
How dare your husband's siblings foist off their responsibilities on you? Also, the hub needs to make it clear to them that you are not "free" labor. If HE doesn't tell them, they will not listen to you.
It is smart for you to take a big step back. Let your in-laws know that it is not personal - that you need some time for your own life. If they try the guilt trip on you (ie "we're such a burden"), hand them the telephone numbers of their other children.
Caregivers are those who take on the responsibility...it is rarely equitable. It's like an adult version of the game "tag" - those who get tagged are "it." No one will volunteer to help. They are playing on the sympathy you show for their parents. And as for your comment that you are not "working" - taking care of one's family and caregiving seniors is ten of the toughest jobs one will ever do.

PS: do not agree to take your hub's parents into your home unless you are prepared to take on ALL of the responsibility. If you hub or his sibs have not stepped up by now, they never will. btw, who has their POAs?

At this point no POA has been established. The mother is of sound mind but has depended on the father to do most of the important business aspect of their lives. Now that he is incapable of taking care of their business needs, that is where the toughest of all of the responsibility has fallen on me to help her with. Also neither are able to drive so I have to do most of the errands and help with some of the chores around the house.

I am on their checking account because its just easier for me to deal with that aspect for things that need to be taken care of at the bank, etc. I am listed on most of everything in the form of HIPPA release forms so that I don't have to keep getting permission to talk to insurance co. and the like. I have no intention of ever accepting the responsibility with POA, executor or anything else that may fall into that category. Although through the years she has came to me and told me "When I'm gone I want you to make sure that ________ gets taken care of this way". I had to tell her at one point that I was grateful that she has that much faith and trust in me, but that was something that she needs to sit down and discuss what her wishes are to her kids. They have a will made out but I really don't know if all of the kids except for my husband and I know what it states.

As a matter of fact, the business part of the responsibility is mostly what I want to back away from at this point and just leave me to the errand running. The thing is that all of the siblings want my husband to take on the primary responsibility of all of this stuff, but they all don't think he is incapable of taking care of his own business so go figure that one out (whole different ball game there). Let me mention that he is the baby and he is the only child the two of them have together and the siblings are his half siblings. Because of the reasons stated above I would prefer that he not be the one to take on that responsibility either. Its not that he can't do it, its just that they all dont think he can (kind of one of those things where they want to set him up to fail instead of being encouragers) and will end up causing more problems in the long run.

Thank you for your encouragement. I have a heavy burden on my shoulders because on one hand if I just back out without and explanation it will just reinforce that she feels like shes a burden to me, but I can't tell her the truth about why I'm really backing down (because of her kids) because I refuse to put that burden on her. Then on the third hand I can't lie and I honestly think she deserves to hear my position of backing down straight from me and not my husband. I owe her that much.

If his step-siblings are not helping, then your husband has no other choice but to take the lead. It sounds like you don't have much confidence in him. I"m an only child and have step siblings to deal with who are not very helpful, but I assert myself and things get done. If my mother had given her husband POA, she would be dead by now. I can understand your not wanting POA or guardianship, but the situation will come when your MIL will need to have someone to do it. It's too bad that your FIL did not give POA to anyone when he was of a sound mind. Without someone having the Durable POA, they cannot legally sign for him on tax returns nor for her when that day comes. There is a special code one must get from the IRS to use ad the Durable POA or the Atty. in Fact in order to sign a tax return and to be able to discuss the return with them. They will ask for a copy of the POA. Also, my mother has long tern care insurance checks plus checks from property that I can only sign to deposit in our joint account which mom set up years ago because of my durable POA. In some medical situations the medical POA is needed also.
Part of me wants to say that you are playing the hero who wants to shield your MIL from the truth. You are not responsible for her feelings. She's got to deal with that herself. You can't live her emotional life for her or it will tear you up. She's an adult and you are to. What you need to say to her is the kind of discussions that adults have. I think as long as you use the right tone of voice that she will very much understand. I think you need to be honest with her. I also don't think the siblings are going to help which means you might have to hire some people to come in to pick up what you are no longer going to do. Do your inlaws have any means by which such help can be paid for which is only fair since they live with you.
Also, I'm curious as to what your husband's take on all of this is? How's your marriage doing in the midst of all this? I may well be wrong, but It seems that you are doing a lot of feeling, thinking and deciding for other people who need to be free to think, feel and make their own decisions and handle the consequences without someone trying to control the entire outcome. Do you have as little confidence in your husband as his step siblings do? I hope not.

Yes I do have every bit of confidence in my husband. Yes it is taking a toll on our marriage and family life. Yes I am trying to shield my MIL. Yes you are 100% right, there are many emotions going through me right now at this point and I am carrying that extra load for everyone else. No my inlaws do not have any means as of now to contribute to paying someone to come in and help. We don't have it either. We are working with VA though to see if we can get the help but its taken several months already. Also, my inlaws live on their own, not with us.

My husbands take on this is he is 100% behind me and he is behind me to back out and let him and the others take on of these responsibilities with me helping instead of being the primary.

Here is the whole situation which has lead up to this point. A year ago my FIL ended up in the hospital. When he was released we had to get home health to come in for the medical aspect of it. Home health released him because he has recovered as much as they can possibly get him to recover about 4 months ago but dementia has been diagnosed along with heart problems. He could not and still can not drive and she hasn't driven in many years so since I'm a stay at home mom I took over errand duty. That shortly became more than just errand duty when all the other business parts were being asked of me by MIL to help with because she's never had to do any of these things in their marriage and she really has no idea how to take care of any of those things except for writing the checks to pay the bills every month. He took care of all of this.

Husband has been right there with me all this time and having my back when I couldn't make errands on a particular day but it would have to be after he got home from work. He has even taken some of his vacation and sick time off during this last year to take some of the errand running off of my hands when I couldn't get to it. In the beginning of all of this the other siblings made it known that they didn't have time, but they would help as much as they could. I can count on one hand how many times that 3 of them came in to help at some point until home health got started. After that they did not come in at all unless we had a family get together. At these family functions its all play no work. Fast forward a year, I have my family, my parents (partially) and his parents to take care of. I let him know that I need help from the others so he calls a family meeting (which I did not attend) with them and they all agreed to what days they can come in. At this meeting it was mentioned that I'm the one who doesn't work outside of the home. Husband defended me by making excuses such as what my days and duties consist of instead of simply putting it to them that it doesn't matter what I do, its not my responsibility. Here we are at week 3 after the meeting and I let them know that I would be taking next week off to spend spring break with my family so they needed to get with each other to see who was going to do what and instead of simply understanding that my whole family needs a break from "parent duty" we get grief over it.

My husband is almost 10 years younger than the youngest of his siblings. All of his siblings children are grown. We still have two younger children at home. One of the siblings lives just as close to his parents as we do (which is about 15 min. away), one lives about 3 states away (shes the only one that has made every effort she can from so far away) and the other two live 35-45 min. away (still a reasonable distance for them to come help at least one day a week). The main one giving us the grief is the one who lives 15 min. away. Haven't heard anything out of the other two. So here we are....and I've decided that if I'm going to get static over ONE WEEKS break then its definitely time for me to just turn over the whole responsibility to them all because they expect it of me, and because its definitely taking its toll on my family. I have put my kids and husband on the back burner to take care of my inlaws and I think its time to start putting them first. My inlaws appreciate all that I do and thats enough for me, but if I cannot get help from the others without all the hooplah then they can just carry the burden themselves for a change.

I want to commend you for all you do for your mil. You have done so much for her. I really feel for you. I live 76 miles away from my mother and do all I can for her, but I have to work full time. My sill is trying to stop my mothers meds for dementia/alzheimers. My mom is just now getting leveled out and able to function most days. Her neighbor is giving her meds everyday, my sill is telling her to stop all meds when she runs out. She takes Aricept and antidepressant every day. My sill is saying it cost too much money and she doesn't think it's helping, but I've seen an improvement the last 4. Mos. My brother never liked her taking any meds. I can' t understand why they don't understand if she gets off Aricept she will go down hill, sometimes I think they want to see her worsen. My sil has brainwashed my brother for so long.
I see your doing all you can do for your mil and family. I wish I could give you better advise. I feel I need to get POA for medical issues now since I'm the one that got her diagnosed for dementia and got her on the meds for her condition.
Keep me informed about everything.

While I'm not a therapist, but have been in therapy now for 8 years dealing with family stuff, I suggest that you find one to give you an objective 3rd person's input and trained support to deal with all of the chaos and family dynamics going on here so that you can stop throwing yourself, your husband, your marriage, and your children under the bus. I hope you can get the VA benefits for your inlaws. Do they draw social security? Would part of it be enough to pay for home help? Unless one is rich, no one with children has the means to pay for help at home with elderly in need of care. It sounds like the absolute last resort, which is not a nice one, would be to inquire to see if they qualify for medicaid and could go to a nursing home that takes medicaid? I commend you for being such a great daughter in law looking after them as if you were their daughter. It is sad when you have to help like your MIL who never had to deal with family business matters. My uncle has experiences this in reverse since his wife has dementia and she ran all of the family finances and business matters because his work as a tool and die worker for Ford meant he worked the late shift and was mainly home on the weekends.

virginiajnorto
Please get medical POA as soon as you can. I hope your mother's dementia is not so far gone that she is not competent to sign a POA. While you are doing this, I would also get the Durable POA because you are going to need it. Acutally, she will need for you to have it. Has the doctor spoken to your brother and SIL to explain medically what is going on. Sometimes we hear from a professional what we will not hear from a family member. Tell your SIL that if your mom stops taking her meds because of her and something bad happens then the SIL can be held liable, but I'd get the medical and durable POA first.

I'm in a similar situation only much worse I have been caring for my MIL for a few years now. I had NO idea it was going to be so stressful and difficult but I also do not have support of the daughters whom live from 7 mins (one doesn't work and has grown children). The other lives 20 mins works but also has grown children. I do not get support from my husband, this is expected of me because I don't work, but I currently have health issues that are taking a toll. My MIL has vascular dementia and is getting progressively worse she can no longer read or write and barely knows who's who and what's what.continues to fall has accidents and now being combative. For years I've been trying to get my husband to get DPOA and medical but nothing and I can't do anything because she's not even my mother! I'm just the caregiver and I'm at a point that I'm ready to give up. To much for me to handle not to mention I'm neglecting MY family.

BS0213, it probably literally is too much for you to handle. Dementia is progressive. It gets worse. Very often it gets worse in ways that make it impossible for a single person to care for the person in a private home. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The dementia would progress whether she were your own mother, whether other family members pitched in, whether you had hired help -- it would progress no matter what. It doesn't sound like she is now competent to make legal decisions (but don't take my word for it!) so it may be too late for DPOA and medical proxy. But somebody has to take responsibility for acting in her best interests. And it sounds like that may soon be placement where she can get the care she needs from healthy, rested, trained professionals, who have backups for when they have their own health issues. Obviously you and your husband won't abandon her, and you will continue to visit and advocate and see that she is getting the best care. But it may no longer be feasible to provide it in your house. Again, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is the nature of the disease.

Please don't give up! You've done awesome selfless care so far. But it may be time to take care of your own health and find other ways to see that MIL gets the best care she can.

Believe me I want the best for her but the problem is my husband refuses to put her in a facility because he add a promise to her, but at this point my MIL doesn't even know of her surroundings or her own daughters! Just my husband and I because she sees me 247. But she's also doing yucky things, falling and now getting combative with me. That's why I don't know what to do anymore, it's like my husband refuses to see it.