What is the best way to convince other siblings to help with caregiving?

"I felt instantly as though I had not even had a break."

You said it right there!

I went on vacation last year and all the people I had lined up to help take care of Mom "poofed" on me! (and her!)

Let's face it, the only real way out of this is death. (theirs or our own - I hate to put it that way, but its the truth!)

Well, sounds like you are getting SOME type of cooperation. I guess take it while you can. I do not get any kind of help at all, emotionally or physically from either sibling. I asked and both of them and they said outright "No." One said no because she wants access to their money (they don't have any), and the other is just lazy and it's easier for him to stay away. So unfortunately, my answer to you is you will never get them to help unless THEY want to. When you are ready, I would follow the others advice that you have to put Mom in a home because you can't do it anymore without their help. Period, end of discussion. Take a vote. You vote to have her stay in a facility and see what they say. That way, it's not, your decision, it's everyone's. It will be on their heads, not yours.

Good luck!

xo - Selfish Sibs

I am in the same position you are in except with my own mother. Unfortunately, my siblings will say they will help and then until the time comes that I actually need them, they call and yell at me for not being able to do it and of course, always ask, "why can't (my husband) do it? I have been sick for 2 1/2 weeks w/diverticulitis and fevers, etc and Mom has an infection in her leg and needs to be transported 2 hrs to the special skin cancer surgeon and it's back to my poor husband. My one brother doesn't have to be at work until 8 p.m. and only works til 10 p.m. and still can't do it w/out attacking me and making my life so miserable for ever asking. It's just not worth the aggravation. Then, he came to see my mother to say, "I'm here if you ever need me." Meanwhile, she heard him screaming at me on the phone Saturday for having to rearrange his schedule to drive her one way to the Dr's as he is going to the same place tomorrow anyhow. It simply appalls and amazes me all at the same time. I can only say God have mercy on them for they know not what they do when they do not honor their own mother, a widow, especially in time of great need. We are all in the same boat and we are all the only ones rowing and it is an uphill creek we row. I feel the hurt for my mother when she hears the grumbles and gripes of asking them to do ONE thing. I have only asked them 3 x in 3 years for a helping hand, but it always ends up in such arguments, that I'm sorry I ever asked. So unfortunate. Now, I will be forced to put her in some type of facility and woe to them. All they want is her money and when it's all gone, they will only have themselves to blame. I have empathy and extend hugs to all.

annieb1158 - you are correct. I remember reading an article in Look Magazine (you know it's been a while :0) when I was a teen - written by Margaret Mead. I remember her saying that she didn't fear growing old - because any old person she knew was vibrant, strong, positive and self sufficient! You didn't GET old in her day unless you were vibrant, strong and positive. She never saw people hanging out of wheelchairs living their final days in nursing homes or hospitals being kept alive by artificial means or just wishing they were dead. (there were not doubt a few who grew older and needed help from family, but not in the numbers we see today)

My mother in law doesn't appreciate that she is alive. She has no interest in anything or anyone except herself. Her conversations revolve around herself. Every conversation is the same. She wonders why no one calls or stops by - but forgets that she DOES have calls and visitors - but, IF SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER them, then it didn't happen. :0)

I am TIRED of the negativity. I am tired of being blamed for things I didn't say or do (if she THINKS I said it or did it - then I did :0(

I AM JUST PLAIN TIRED. I have initiated the research process that we hope will ultimately end up with her receiving VA Aid and Attendance benefits and IF (and you don't have any idea how much I hope this works) she qualifies, SHE WILL BE MOVING INTO AN ASSISTED LIVING FACILITY as soon as the first check arrives.

I will then become 'an attentive visitor' - I like that term. She can then blame the facility for everything - instead of me. Of course, it will be MY fault she is there - but there is guilt no matter what I do. At least I would not have this constant agitation 24/7.

I know this is 'off topic' - but, ultimately, this decision comes about BECAUSE of the lack of support from her other sons or any government agency. Her youngest son has not answered our call and texts sent on Feb. 8th!!! Well, actually he has. By his non response, we know his answer is NO - AGAIN! How convenient of him just to ignore us. WHAT A JERK!

I have a question: Do the siblings who do NOT help with care giving experience guilt or is it just the caregiver? Because I feel that I am damned if I do and damned if I don't and I have decided that since it is six of one and half dozen of the other - and I get all this crap for trying - that it can't be any worse if she lives elsewhere and end up with THAT being my fault too. Even though my husband is her POA and he AND his brothers will hopefully make the final decision. I am SURE they would happily put her in Assisted Living rather than help with her care!!

I just think it is sooooo sad that sooooo many caregivers are left to do it all alone and burn out, while , for the rest of the family - life goes on with no thought or very little thought to mom. After all, she is being cared for - it's not MY problem, right?

Sorry for the rant - and yes, TOMORROW I will probably be fine. I ride a roller coaster just like every other care giver. And it isn't even a free ride!!!

I think Carol's suggestion is terrific, especially that part about laying out all you do, and how it is impacting you. Send them to this site, so they can see the stories of other caregivers. They can learn that caregiving can seriously damage the health of the caregiver.they can hear, from someone other than you that respite is essential. It's so so important to get the break you are craving. And brainstorming for what the path forward is. I am sending you good vibes.

I think you have really received some wonderful advice, and I understand the predicament you are in because I am there, also. I have finally sat down with each sibling and admitted I needed THEIR particular help. I explained what the doctors had discovered about Mother instead of what I knew. I gave them a typed list of the type of care the doctor's said Mom needed. One sibling was not interested. The others finally had a glimmer of understanding about what I was saying. My next conversation with the two who seemed to care, included some information about my health from my doctor. I explained what I needed in order to take care of Mom and suggested we make it a group effort. It works in that they are willing to help for short periods of time. Even that is wonderful! I think people just assume the caregiver is okay because they are so busy with their own lives. Some people just don't care. However, we are all here for you and hope things start to improve.

I have sent emails and my husband has called them. The middle son finally said yes recently - but I spent two months preparing her and HIM for her visit. Making certain that he had all the handicap assistive items she would need (potty extender, commode, bath seat, etc.) I shipped them to him. I made up HER packing list and checked it twice :0) (she thinks she remembered everything) I got all her doctor visits taken care of and all her meds set up. Arranged for someone to come and cut her hair and give her a perm here at home. I was responsible for her while we traveled to/from at the airport - dealing with the wheelchair, potty, etc. By the time we landed I was a nut case. He picked her up at the airport and we went the other direction for 5 days.

Then we met her at the airport and it was a repeat performance coming home except this time we were dealing with diarrhea at the airport :0( I felt instantly as though I had not even had a break. She had a WONDERFUL time and I am glad. I am sure the break was good for her too. My brother in law said mom was 'no problem at all.' My sister in law said 'she is so sweet.' They honestly don't do what I do and they don't see or hear what I see or hear.

Since her return, she has had a bad cold, sinus infection, two trips to the doctor, I have made 5 trips to the pharmacy, she then developed another infection 'down there' due to the antibiotics she took for sinus infection and two days ago she told us she thinks she had a mini stroke. Another call to the doctor and another additional medication. Hubby's brothers never have to deal with anything like this. Just this morning she told me she doesn't understand why I feel stressed out. NO ONE understands except the folks on this forum who deal with the same thing. I thank everyone for their help on this forum.

I plan to start a notebook/diary and list everything I do for mom on a daily basis. (hubby's suggestion). Then he will call them and just start reading my diary to them. It may help. I seriously doubt it - but it may help me. :0)

We have had 'this talk' before and it doesn't get us very far. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

oh wow. I can completely relate. My Mom recently decided to go with Hospice. She lives with me, so Im envisioning all the Dr's and nurses in and out of my home. , Im not a fan of hospice at all . And me dealing with all these people myself, oh and I work and am raising 2 teens on my own. Everyone says ' get your sisters to help"... Really ? if they would help then I couldve gone on vacation some time in the last 3 yrs ! if it doesnt have something to do with food or shopping, they dont want to be bothered. Case in point, my sis was supposed to take Mom to lunch today. Sis texts me and says Mom calld , doesnt feel well, has a headache, but her and her son are still going to lunch. I asked if she was going to go check on Mom,,, mabey later after lunch...... good grief !!! Really ? I came to realize when I was married, that you CANNOT make anyone do what the dont want to do.... period,,,, they will either screw it up so bad you dont ask again, or they just wont follow thru

Sadly, her youngest is in the financial position that he could PAY for respite for us several times a year but when he calls his mom he whines about how difficult things are. His difficulties never prevent him from traveling to Hilton Head several times a year or traveling to urope several times - the last time just recently.

He has always told us 'what we want to hear' and then left us high and dry. How he sleeps I will never know. He has probably spent a total of 7 (24 hour) days with his parents in the last 30 years (if you add up all of his visits). I asked them why they spent so little time with his parents (they often spend a week or more at a time with HER parents) and his wife said 'we are COMFORTABLE with the amount of time we spent with his parents.' He says 'I understand' and I will 'do what I can' to help - of course, so far, he just 'can't' seem to do anything at all.

Sadly, I think we are on our own with this. Kinda sorta knew that when I posted the question. Thank you all for your comments though. I think respite is an 'unattainable dream' for most of us.