I am a partner to someone I love very much. He has a parent who is terminal with cancer on hospice. He lives with us now. What can I do for help?

Does your community have a hospice house? If so, that seems to be the appropriate placement choice. Two people who are impaired themselves cannot logically give a dying person the same 24/7 care that professionals who work limited shifts, can take breaks, have vacations, and a life outside of the care situation can. Not to mention their training to deal with the dying and their family. There are definitely cases where keeping someone at home is the best choice. I hope to be able to do it for my husband. But it doesn't sound like it is the right choice for your situation. I hope I will recognize if my own situation reaches a point where placement is the right choice for us.

The obstacle here is probably your partner's attitude. If he will not consider placement for Dad, it doesn't matter whether it is the best choice, and it certainly doesn't matter what I think. Does he understand what this is doing to you? To his own health?

If your partner's father is going to remain in your home, some in-home care help is definitely called for. A disabled man and his mentally ill partner should not be shouldering the full responsibility of caring for a many dying of cancer and his ill wife.

Have you and your partner talked to the hospice counsellors about your situation?

I am meeting with a minister on Tuesday and then hopefully counselors in additon to my own regular counselor.There is no hospice house just at the end of life if wanted and needed which has not been the case. There are assisted living facilities but his father does not want to spend the money and my partner wants to give it a try. to be able to have his fathers wishes of leaving a legacy for his children instead of the use for his care. I know it is crazy but it is what it is.My partner knows what it is doing to our health but is just being crazy. I told him today I might have to leave if it is getting to much for me. I told him and his mother who lives 2 miles down the road and is divorced from his father we need home heath care. They agree but Dad says no because he does not need it. We shall see, once again he does not want to spend the money. He is just very tight with his money. I told him that is what he has assets for to care for him in his illness. He is still stubborn I hope they can get through it. It has only been a month so I am trying my best but looking to the future to ensure I am taken care of myself and my partner is also. Plus our relationship it needs help also and we have never been able to deal with the aspects of working on a relationship because there has always been issues with my family and his. It is a triangle one that needs to stop. Thank you and I ask for your prayers if you do pray to help me and my partner get through this.

I feel so very sorry for the many, many seniors who have been financially responsible al all their lives, saved, perhaps invested prudently, and have been fully expecting to be able to leave an estate for their children to share.

This dream is another casuality of living so much longer than past generations. We now live decades beyond our last paycheck. Maybe we can manage on a fixed income all those years, unless an expensive illness strikes. And our chances of developing an illness increase greatly as we age. Many, many middle class people will be lucky to pay their own way, pay for medical needs, and perhaps some kind of assisted living arrangements, let alone have funds left over to leave to family. It is sad, and I feel sorry for those who are facing this reality in their old age.

Your partner's father would like to die knowing that he left behind an inheritance for his descendents. What he isn't seeing is that he is expecting one child to sacrifice greatly to make this happen. As sorry as I feel for dad in this situation, I think fairness has to prevail. It isn't that Dad is doing without care in order to keep the legacies intact, he is depending on one son to provide 24/7 care at no cost, with no help.

I sincerely hope the counselling you are getting will help set things on a more fair and more managable basis.

Best of luck to you and your partner, to have the opportunity to work on your relationship.

Hi there,

I just want you to know that people care. We are all struggling in our own situations but compassion allows us to reach out to others and in this case, virtually (((hug))) one another.

I beleive that we must use all of our faculties to make decisions, not just our heart. If if comes to a point that one cannot bear the load or just need a break, if no one is giving it to us, we must help ourselves.

It is highly admirable of the Dad to want to leave a legacy after he is gone,but if in the present time, those around him are suffering...I'm not sure who's gaining what here if anything. He sounds like a caring man, I hope someone can drive the in home care giving point home to him. Your health depends on it.

I hope you all find and make the decisions that will be best for all!
let us know how you are progressing.

There are some good days and some bad for all. Been very depressed myself and it is hurting my partner also. Dad knows I have been depressed and he is supportive in giving me pep talks if you can imagine. He is the one dying and he is trying to get me better.
Luckily, he has realized at this point he needs to do things for himself as far as he can. He wants too also. However, he has taken over the home. The family great room seems to be all his TV and all. We do not watch the same shows so we my partner and I are spending a lot of time in the bedroom. My partner goes out sometimes during the day to spend some time together and sometimes not very much I go out to sit and read a magazine or the paper. I am slowly getting our room in order to make a sitting area and an extra bedroom a tv room area for me and Barry to go also a place I can listen to music , read, and do my assignments for school. It is slow going especially when my partner and I both do not feel good. But we are muddling through and trying our best to make it better for all.We know the garage could be a great storage area for his supplies but that is a mess also so we need to work on that too. Too much on our plate so I know I must chunck it down. Thank You