Caregiving is draining my family especially me! I get resentful and I hate that, is it normal?

Cryssy, you need to see a doctor for yourself. I know what it's like to have an ill child (only one of mine is chronically ill), multiple elders who need constant help and no time to take care of myself. I did some damage to my own health. You are doing the same, only your situation is much worse. If you don't find a way to take care of yourself, all of these people who depend on you will be without your care at all. It's vital for all of the people you love that you find a way to see a doctor and take care of yourself.

Your mother should qualify for nursing home care. If she has no assets, then she can go on Medicaid. While some nursing homes are still horrible, most have improved and in many communities they are excellent. Even if your area doesn't have top quality homes, this is an emergency. You can visit your mom, but your kids and you need to survive, too. Just think how your mother would feel if she really could go back in her mind and understand that her neediness took your life?

Type the name of your state and the word "aging" into your browser. Scan the list of aging services available locally and then start looking for help. You will likely find a connection to your Area Agency on Aging. You also should find your state's version of the National Family Caregiver Support Program. It may have a different name, but each state has a program. They can be very helpful. Look up local human services online or in your phone book to find out if they can help. You absolutely need to get outside intervention here to take care of everyone as well as yourself.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol

when I had my 90 year old mother living with me I had frequent heart palpitations so much that I thought I'd be dead on the floor one day where my daughters' could then find me! the stress of caring for an elderly person is so difficult and my sister was zero help even though I am the only single parent in our family. the elderly get very selfish sounding - I don't know what it is - all social graces they once had go away so my mother would take out her false teeth after teeth to clean them (with her tongue, God help me), sneeze or cough without ever covering, etc. the little things add up and soon you are stressed so tight you think you;ll explode! it sounds as though you have so much on your plate you might want to rethink things. after 3 years of mom living with me she started falling during the night. it was then that I made the STRESSFUL decision to get her into assisted living, which I secretly thought would never work due to her crabbiness and rudeness to others. well, surprise! she is a whole different person - made friends, doing exercise class, actually smiling. who is this person? and I can't tell you the weight lifted off my shoulders.

you have two kids who need you very much to stay healthy - think of yourself for once. Nancy

Are you normal? Cryssy, I don't know how you're still standing. With all that you're doing, you're not normal, you're superhuman.

It's easy for outsiders to see the solution. It's far more difficult when you're standing in the middle of it and can't see a way out. But as everyone has already pointed out, making your life easier isn't a luxury or a self-indulgence, it's a necessity. You're holding this family together. If you go under, so does everyone else.

All of the things you are doing are important. But you don't have to do ALL of them ALL of the time. One example: you want to get away with your children for a short break; but, you ask, what will happen to mother? Honestly? Get some respite care set up and nothing will happen to her - nothing bad, that is. In fact, she'll benefit from both a change of scene (or at least some new faces around her) and a rested, happier daughter.

I'm guessing you'll say your mother wouldn't like it. Mm. Yup, that is the point at which you say "tough." You do not need your mother's permission, let alone her smiling blessing, to arrange for someone else to cover you for a few days. You know that no harm will come to her, you know that you are not abandoning her (or whatever else she silently or explicitly accuses you of), you know she'll be safe. Get it organised, and go.

But if it were just one thing, you could have worked that one out for yourself. The trouble is having so much to deal with that you can't stand still for long enough to figure out how to manage better.

Sit down with a friend, a neighbour, a counsellor - anyone who's happy to help you bounce some ideas around. Think about or mind map or list all of the things that you do, and score them as high, medium or low. Very important: then you underline the ones that ONLY YOU can do. Those are your priorities. Everything else has to fit in around them, or get delegated to some other capable person.

There is only one of you. There are only 24 hours in the day. You cannot be everywhere and do everything, and if you try - long before you eventually collapse - you will end up doing no one any good.

You have to rest. Yes, you do. Time to ask for help.

Alleviating stress is not a luxury, it's a necessity. Being under constant mental, physical, and emotional stress will wear on your body day by day and there will come a time, if you don't unload some of it, when your body will rebel and send physical and mental signals to you that you have to slow down. Maybe this is already happening. If you continue you will end up in the hospital yourself. Who will care for your mom then? Or your son? Or your sister?

You have to have help. In-home caregiver or a family member. Someone to shoulder some of the burden you are carrying. Again, this is not a luxury but a necessity.

It's physically impossible to be an effective caregiver to 4 people. You're not doing any of them any favors because you are crumbling under the stress as anyone in your shoes would. Mom may have to go into assisted living. You may have to hire an in-home caregiver for your sister. Is she on social security or Medicaid? A caregiver can take her and from her appointments.

Again, what you're doing is impossible. Maybe you haven't come across that straw that broke the camel's back yet but it's coming. You're going to snap or your health will fall apart. What happens then? Go to any lengths to relieve some of the stress you're under.

And stress is cumulative. When you lay your head down tonight, relieved to have gotten through another day, the stress you've experienced today will still be with you tomorrow. The stress you experience tomorrow will be with you the next day and on and on. If you don't relieve it it will take a toll on you. Your body is already sending you signals. Pay attention to them.

Social Services, Area Agency On Aging (look under human resources for your city & state. There may be some program/s out there to assist you. Bless your heart! Don't know how you are doing so much. And now, for your sake, go see a Dr. now! You are under so much stress that you could do permanent damage to yourself. You do realize that stress can kill even young people? Who is going to help if you are no longer able? Even if you at least go have a consult with your Mom's Dr. The Dr. ( or nurse there) will possibly have a list of "visiting angels" kind of thing which is "volunteers" (there is a fee depending on what services you want). Is it possible for a friend (yours or moms) to come "sit" for an hour or so? We were able to get members of moms church to "sit" a few times. We didn't always leave the property but it was a very welcomed break. Actually, when they would show up Mom pretty much told us, and not nicely, to leave! I wish you luck getting to the solution you need. The Human Resources Office in your area will probably have a few suggestions. Please don't get discouraged. And come here to scream and vent as often as you need to. Did you know that you could just make the statement "I wish they would all just die and leave me alone" and know one will judge you for that! And try not to feel guilty for very long if/when you do because a lot of us have already been there. Hope this info helps. Hang in there!

GET SOME HELP! Keep calling around until you do!!! You've got more on your plate than anybody should bear. Can you get mom into a daycare program? How about a nursing home or assisted living? Can you get someone in to help with your kids? You can't keep doing what you're doing, and you won't be able to care for anybody if you continue to shoulder this burden alone. Best wishes.

Chryssy you have made the time to get on your computer to seek support. Can you also use it as a problem solving tool. OK easier said than done. Type out a list of your problems. Write tham on paper if that is easier. Any order it does not matter.
For example #1 Chemo appointments
#2 Renal Drs
#3 Housecleaning
#4 Food shopping
#5 See my Dr
#6 Seek therapy (no your are not mentally ill but you need a nonjudgemental outsidre to help set your prioities.
#7 Arrange a break (at least a week)
There will be many more and when you have finished arrange them in your order of prioity. Life threatening ones come first so move your Drs visit to the top of the list. Only you can do that one. Someone else could manage the chemo and renal Drs. (Would the recipients of these services rather see you continue to do this or attend your funeral) there are often people in the community that volunteer for various organizations that would be prepared to drive for these purposes. If Mom is safe to be left alone she has to be told that she sucks it up or you will arrange residential care.
All of this is very very hard to do in the midst of the panic driven crisis you find yourself in but what else can you do ?Runaway ?commit suicide where would everyone be then.
Is possible to put Mom in a NH (She won't agree but as others have done on her next ER visit refuse to take her home) Yes it's tough but that is what touch love is about doing the best for those you love) You love your sister and want to take care of her during her treatments but is it possible for her to stay with someone else for the duration? getting two out of the house would leave you your own family to take care of and of course yourself. Do you think you can do this? Blessings

Yes, you are normal.
You are overwhelmed....your plate is full.....
What you are experiencing is justified..... and rightfully so.
Seek an outlet....give what you are feeling a voice....get it out!
Right here....right now....is a good starting point.
We are here to listen.

I feel the same way, but I keep on trucking! Got to at least float in the ocean on my birthday, which was very healing! Need more of that! Got to do something for yourself that makes you feel a healing touch. Hang in there!

Cryssy, you've been given excellent advice and pls note that every single post said to take time for YOU. I let myself get so sick that I'm now facing open heart surgery and was admitted twice to the hospital due to medical problems I ignored. Then you aren't doing anything for anyone. Seek HELP and do it NOW. Like the others said, get that HELP to have someone take a child to an appointment, or clean the house or do laundry or let you take a NAP. Of course your parent isn't going to want you to leave her side for one second, she's sick and doesn't understand, doesn't comprehend. She will survive, I promise you that. And after the first or second time you do leave her with someone else, you WILL find that it is easier on you to do it. Leave GUILT at the door when you step outside. It does get easier, you will learn to cope with delegating. And if someone DARES to judge you, then you dare them to do what you do for 7 days straight, no breaks, let them literally walk in your shoes. Watch how fast they will then back down and run hard and fast away and never judge you again. I've had family members who refused to understand my stress and frustration and anger and poor pity me thinking, their thinking was how cool to be able to stop working and just stay home all day and take care of people that you've known your whole life, watch tv, nap, read, cook....until I had someone come do it for just 10 hours...yes, HOURS....without me there....that person never once volunteered to come back and help but never again judged. Bottom line is you have to take care of YOU or no one else will be taken care of. But do get some HELP. With your children both being so ill, there should be some sort of program out there to assist you, do some chores, give you some rest. And you will find that help, you found us, right? So you are already on the path to finding more help. But again, sounding like a parrot, take care of YOU. We've been there done that, trying to split ourselves 10 ways and do it all, it simply doesn't work. And no one will judge you if you can't do it all. If they DARE to judge, this simply means they have never encountered what you, what we, have.