I'm ashamed to admit that I am bitter! How do I not get bitter about giving up my last 5 years?

Amanda hang in there you're doing the best you can. However, you need help. What about social service agencies in your area? Does your husband have siblings/parents? Where are they in this mix? Can he afford another living arrangement? Is a nursing home an option? How about adult day care so at least you have some time away from him?

This situation is to much for you. I'm glad you will be getting some help even if it's 4-6 weeks wait. Something that I learned this last year is that we only hurt ourselves when we hold on to the past, or cannot forgive. Holding onto anger and resentment even when we have a right to feel anger and resentment only serves to hurt ourselves and thus we are allowing the past to twist the knife deeper. Your feelings of anger and resentment are not wrong in themselves, in fact those feelings are telling you that this situation/person has crossed your boundaries, the feelings are trying to tell you to change the situation. Once those feelings are listened to (like your taking action to get help) their job is done and then it is healthy to let them go. Holding on to those feelings and allowing yourself to become bitter only hurts you, your husband and your child. Do yourself a favor and let the past go. If the anger and resentment continue to persist then ask yourself if you need to make more changes with the situation, then speak up for yourself and take action...even if that means a Nursing facility. Most important is your Daughters environment, you don't want to allow someone to trample on you in front of her like that, even if they are sick. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. In the meantime while you wait it might be good to pray about it and ask for help to see this person and the whole situation differently. Instead of focusing on the anger and pain this person brings to you, perhaps you can read up about dementia here and get a better understanding to help you cope. Another thing is if he behaves around your husband maybe it's because he knows your husband won't put up with his BS. When he threatens to walk somewhere he is manipulating you. Instead of being manipulated by him that way, let him walk. In other words don't be so nice because he sees that as a weakness and exploits you. It's sad but sometimes we have to put our foot down even when it goes against our nature to do so.

You have every right to be bitter. This is not want you signed on for when you got married! (Course it isn't what the old guy had in mind for growing old, either.) Life is not fair! Go beat up a pillow! You can be bitter as long as you want to. It's your life. But for your own sake, (not to mention your husband and child) I'd suggest setting a time limit, really rant and beat up a lot of pillows (or whatever you do to let off steam), and then move on.

I wasn't done, but I guess I pressed a wrong button!

Your grandfather-in-law has dementia. He can't help it. He didn't sign up for it willingly. Maybe if he took the pills that were prescribed that would help. And maybe not. Maybe when you start getting help you will be better able to cope. And maybe not. Grampa should be paying you rent. That won't make up for you not working, but it will make the situation a tiny bit more fair. And it won't hurt him to have less to spend on lottery tickets.

Dementia progresses. It gets worse. It sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to take care of Grampa now. The time will come when you can't. Start looking now for long term care placement options. See what is available in your area, what they will cost, and how to begin the process of seeing that he qualifies for financial assistance if he is going to need it. This is not a failure on your part. It is a reality most caregivers face when their loved ones have dementia. Do NOT trade in bitterness for guilt.

Congratulations for giving your husband's grandfather a safe and loving home for five years. That is no small accomplishment. You can be proud. Now do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your husband.

Good luck!

Amanda, now you know why grandfather's sister dumped him into you and your husband's lap. That was pretty rotten to do if you ask me. She knew he had dementia or at least suspected it, but scraped him off to unwitting young people. Time to put gramps into asst living or something like that. No shame in admitting you're in over your heads. Tell gramps sister she needs to step up and help you and your hubby find a good place for him. It's the least she can do.

I really appreciate the responses. Finding a place that I can let it all out without feeling bad helps alot.
When my husband finally got home last night we talked and I let him know how things were when he wasnt there and my feelings toward the whole situation. He listened but I am not sure that he actually heard what I said. He is 100% against placing him in some type of facility. My husbands mom died when he was 8 so his grandparents adopted him. Then less than 3 months later, his grandmother passed so it was just the 2 of them for a while. He feels it would be giving up on him. I did let him know that I didnt think I could do it much longer without some SERIOUS help! He read all of the info that the eval nurse left yesterday and seems positive about the program. I guess we will see what the next few weeks have to offer.
I tried to reach out to his only living daughter and his 2 siblings that are healthy enough to help. His daughter let me know really fast that she wanted no part in his life at all. His sister and brother both admit he needs care but arent willing to "babysit" because in their own words "they have lives" Funny, I had one of those at one point also!

Amanda, I'm glad that talking here is helping. When it became time for having our father move in with one of us my brothers words to me were, "I've had dad for all these years so i am willing to let you have him now" what a crock of shit! It is true that my father lived in the same state as my brother but my brother didn't do anything to help him during all that time. I used to have to send my kids who also lived in CA to check on him so I wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, back to your situation. Your husband is like many of us were with our thoughts about NH's but they are there to give the care an elder needs when family cannot do it. Eventually the situation will get to the point where he will have to accept it. Don't be a Martyr for him in this. I made that mistake years ago with a different situation with my husbands kids and learned a very painful lesson. We have to stand up for ourselves because no one else will, like you said you used to have a life. Perhaps the program will be enough for now but if the situation calls for more you might have to put your foot down to your husband. So hard I know.

It wouldn't be giving up on the elder but rather it would be doing what is best for them. Many caregivers find a good place that is close by and visit regularly, they fix up the elders room to make it feel more like home and they closely monitor the care that is given. I like what someone previously said when they said don't trade bitterness for guilt, that is so true. Keep posting Amanda and God bless you for the person that you are. XXXOOO

So sorry for the place you are in at such a young age. I know how you feel with the resentment. It is hard and for such a young one it does seem unfair. I am a caregiver for my parents and I can't get but a few hours off aday to go home I totally understand your husband not wanting to put him in a home but I also see where you are in this. It isn't fair that one person has to carry the load. That is where I am also. If you feel like me we are not too good to do this but too good to be taken advanage of. I think that grandpa should pay you instead of buying lottery tickets maybe a few but not that many that is taking advange of you. You can bet when it is over that if grandpa has any money or land the ones that are not doing anything will be first in line. Went throught that with my uncle. Good Luck to you and keep on the site for then you know that you are not alone. I have found other out lets like flowers and garden if possiable to just give you some down time. May God Bless you and your young family. Hopefully help will come soon.

And it starts.... Its 8:44AM where I live. He has been up for exactly 18 minutes and we are starting the go round.
My grandparents arrived last night after a 12 hour drive. Since I lived in Louisiana for 2 years, this is the first time I have seen them in a while. They are staying with my parents a few blocks over. The plan all week was for everyone to come to my house (since my grandfather in law cant be left alone and refuses to go to my parents house) and spend the day catching up. When he woke up I told him that I had laid his clothes out and there was a towel in the bathroom so he could go ahead and get cleaned up before everyone gets here. He walked into the bathroom stood in the door for about a minute. When he came back into the living room he tells me that he isnt showering and if my "stuck up" family was coming over, he was walking to his sisters house (same sister that put him out) that is 2 hours away if you drive!
My family has never done anything to make him feel this way. During holidays and birthdays they always include him. We had family pictures taken that my parents paid for and they included him, even arranging some pictures of just him and our daughter.
Now I'm really stuck! I will see my family today one way or another but I just dont get why all of this has to be so damn hard! Why do I have to be the only one that cares enough to do anything? Why do I always feel like I have to choose? How do I make it until his homecare starts? I always say I can deal with any type of hell as long as it has an ending point. But folks I'm sorry to say that I dont know that I can do 4 weeks of this!
Sorry I am complaining, you guys are the only ones that I have to turn to!

Amanda,

Don't apologize, you have every right to be angry at him. I would handle it in one of two ways for now.... If your husband isn't there to get him under control call him at work and tell him exactly whats going on and tell him to leave work and come take care of him. Be firm. Tell him that if he doesn't come take care of the situation you will kick him out. Sick or not he is just being an Ass. The only other approach you can take that I can see is to ignore him, apologize for him to your family and forget him for the day and have a great time with catching up in spite of him.

These are only my opinions, right or wrong. You have to stand up for yourself.