It's been a rough day, any advice?

Ask your aunt to pick her up. Spend time at your home by yourself with a glass of wine and your dogs.

So glad I found this site and all the good advise. Thank You !

hug to you my dear.

Nobody here mentions vices. If you can do it without getting carried away, indulge yourself with bad TV and movies, flirting with the cute stock clerk at the supermarket, a drink or two, pornography if you like it, impulsively buying crap if it gives you a little thrill...You deserve it.

Giving yourself, a person who devotes so much of her life to selflessly helping someone else, indulgence in a little vice would be a mitzvah (the Jewish word for "a good or praiseworthy deed.")

Caregiving is just hard sometimes, and some days are worse than others. I have to remind myself constantly that my mom (89) is coping with many changes herself when I am about to lose my patience, I remember that she is slowly giving up her independence and having to rely on others. I remind myself of all that she has already lost over the past 10 years, her husband, her son, her home she shared with my stepdad for many years, most of her sight to macular degeneration, her ramrod straight posture to degenerative spine disease. I remember that she is nearing the end of her life. When we are young, we don't think about that, our future and all the promise that holds is ahead of us. With someone in their late 80's, that feeling is a memory which is sad, however pleasant the memory is. Even at 64, I sometimes realize that 2/3 of my life is behind me. After a particular rough day, if time allows, I treat myself to something like an extra hot long shower, a little while with my favorite quiet CD, a candy bar, anything that brings a little normalcy. Take care of and be patient with yourself, and most definitely sending a hug and well wishes out into the universe to you.

Consider yourself hugged. Whatever you do, don't take anything they do or say personally. They are just "venting" with a safe target. Caregiving is a high demand job, like the early years of child-rearing, only you are interacting with a person that is going backward every day instead of forward, and that has got to be depressing and scary for them (not to mention YOU). From my taking care of several elderly people and now reflecting on it, I think that the best step you can take is to use your next home break (while they are napping, maybe) to go online and locate respite care near your home...(call a senior aging agency for ideas if necessary). There are those that will give you a break for several hours, some even do it at night or for extended periods if you want to get away for awhile. More expensive ones will have varying amounts of medical training. It will be very mentally restorative. Sometimes I think we get to a place where we think we are the "best" at taking care of an elderly person or child, and are deep-down reluctant to leave them, like we are failing them in some way. But they will survive a short time with someone else, and even benefit because this person is refreshed, choosing to do this, and can endure even the tough parts because it is not permanently wearing on them. Then the caregiver gets a chance to "refresh" and reflect. We can inadvertently spoil our older loved ones as well as the younger ones...and as a result they become even more demanding. But you need to take a break, because your love is what gets them through these tough times when their minds and bodies are failing them. If they become manipulative, it is okay to let them know firmly the effect that that is having on you, and that it drives you away rather than encouraging you to help more. I have also discovered that older people hide many of their disabilities and frustrations (because we're not old, we don't know what it's like not to be able to button a shirt or see the tv screen anymore, and they don't always explain their difficulties to us...too proud or not wanting to burden us with more), so they employ work-arounds (insisting on pullover shirts, sitting bored for hours while we think they're enjoying a program). The real trick is to give yourself respite which will also give you time to contemplate how to get at some of the underlying issues in your particular circumstance that might be causing miscommunication and friction.
I hope I'm not coming across as lecturing, but my mother passed away in January and I've had a lot of time to reflect! If I only had the insights that have come to me lately that I did not understand at the time due to exhaustion!
The respite is CRITICAL!!!

lori63, here is another cyber hug. You deserve it when you are having a bad day, and also when the day goes well! Caregivers deserve all the hugs we can get.

I see that you haven't filled out your profile page. If you are going to stick around awhile -- and I do hope you do -- it will be helpful for us to know a little more about your situation. What are your mother's impairments? Does she have dementia? How long have you been her caregiver? Would she qualify for Medicaid? All these details help us get to know you. Don't share more than you are comfortable with, and do remain anonymous, but more background will result in more specific responses.

Well the best thing to do is get a break and make sure your having time for yourself and yes you can do it just ask someone to spend a couple nights or the day with your Mom go swimming anything but remember to eat well and take some good vitamins special a multiple B and D3 along with listening to music socializing is really important too. I know how you feel I am having a really terrible week won't get into it on your post but here is a hug!

BIG HUG, I go to the movies alone to have time away. It's very relaxing. Walk in the park too.

It is very hard when the roles of a lifetime are reversed. Even though she will always be your mother, now she is in the role of "child" and you are the "parent". It's a very hard adjustment. My 92 year old mom is very sharp mentally. I know having to sell her home and move in with me has been hard for her but this has not been easy for my husband and me either. Thankfully Mom never yells at me but she has tried to guilt me which was a pattern from years ago. I have finally learned not to play the game. I do not understand why so many seem to feel that it's allowable for parents to yell and scream at them and they have to take it if there is no dementia, etc involved. My mom and I had major problems in my teen years and different times after I was grown up, but I would not allow her to be ordering me around and yelling at me in my own home. I cannot stress to you enough how important it is for you to take time EVERY day to do something just for you. Whether it's go for a short walk, sit down and read a book for a few minutes, something that makes you feel like yourself and that you enjoy doing. I know there isn't much time to yourself when you have a parent in your home, but if you have plans and a friend cancels, go see a movie or window shop, just don't go back home until the time you would have anyway. It's imperative you have time away. Do not let her get by with these tantrums if she's just doing it to be mean spirited and beat you down. You don't have to be hateful - just let her know it's not acceptable to treat you this way. Good luck and a big hug to you!!! Take a day at a time and don't look down the road too far cause then it's overwhelming.

Sending you a big ole HUG. I look after my mom 24/7 and she has days where she is just looking to get into it with me, however I am slowly learning to just say OK, I quit trying to explain anything. I have days there is no pleasing her, I make sure she is taken care of bathed, fed, ect. but I don't sit with her. And when I do come to sit with her and she starts her mess I just tell her she can stop or I am leaving. She either stops or I go to another room. Its hard, but I have to keep reminding myself "she can't help it". I just hope if the time ever comes I need care someone loves me enough to put up with me. Before I go Here's another "HUG"

Here is a Big Hug for you from me. I finally got a night off last week - my Mom was actually staying with my sis for the night. I was sooo excited - had the house to myself for the first time in over 2 years. At midnight my mother was calling for me. My sister went to her and she angrily asked her where I was because she "wanted to go home!" I am glad they got a little bit of what I go thru. I then got the "secret" call from my Mother the next day. That is when she sneaks off and calls me to ask when she is "coming home." So sad as my Mother used to always want to stay at her other childrens homes and go on trips. Now she just wants to stay home and stare at me all day and I hate it. You must have respite - it is so important. When it is your time do not call or answer the phone - and do not feel guilty. My demented Mums is like a 3 year old and wants my attention 24/7 - it is like I am her Mother now. When she had her right mind she was way to busy to bother with me. Oh and her Mums died in a nursing home curled up in a ball and my Mother had seen her maybe twice in 10 years - so screw the guilt - I am doing the best I can and it is a helluva lot more than she did for her own Mom.

Here's a big hug for you!! I know that it can be really hard being responsible for your moms care 24/7. Maybe the change in the weather will help if you can get her out of the house. I know that I take my mom out for lunch and call it a picnic in the car. We just go to the local fast food drive through then I go and park somewhere in a park, near a farm to watch the animals, or we go to the water. It isn't much but it gets us both a change of scenery and a hour or so out of the house.

Another big {{{{{{{hug}}}}}}} from me.

(((((((((big hug))))))))

People (even parents) take all their frustrations, anger, etc out on the one closest to them... In your case, your mom knows (maybe subliminal) that you're a vulnerable, sensitive, caring daughter and she knows/thinks she can do/act 'whatever' way she wants to around you. You have to stand your ground and put boundaries on your relationship with her. Stay away from her for a while, when she's like this... let her pout... It may even strengthen your relationship. I understand what you're going through, because I am a caregiver for my mother. I know it's all very, very hard... But, you don't want to get sick either... Let your mother reach out to others (your aunt?) when you're taking a break from her tantrums... Let me know how it goes... (((hugs))) Lynn

This isn't practical advice. And I never had it as rough as you do. But I had it pretty rough with my father for a number of years.

I'm not a religious person. But from what I understand, the Bible really values caring for the weak.

So, when I felt really down, I'd take a few minutes to walk down the street. As I walked past each person I would remind myself about how I was doing more humble good with my life than they were, or anybody else I walked past for that matter.

OK. I get the obvious irony.

And maybe not the most noble remedy.

But there was some truth to it.

And I'm sure, from what you describe, you could more than take credit for the same sort of truth.

I was wondering why your aunt could not run your mom around for a few hours? Or maybe you could drop your mom at your aunts for a few hours? You seem to be coddling your mom...like you might be feeling like a child needing to please mommy? You are not the child anymore and you are doing a great thing by sacrificing your life for her. If she is ranting and raving or should I say having a "tantrum" like a 2 year old... Fine, tell her to go back to bed! You are kind of the parent now...sounds like she is really pushing you around. Talk about caregiver burnout!! I'm am not saying put her in a corner... But you might think of a "time out" of sorts for her. If she is able to understand good and bad behavior or treating someone with respect....put the ballin your court and don't let her play unless she is willing to follow the simple rules. For your information... Depending on where you live there is free services for seniors for house to business transportation. You just have to go on line and look up human services for the aging and disabled... It is out there. There are other in home services that also are free or low cost to help take some of the load off you. My daughter was just accepted into a program I didn't know existed called "Options" go online and see if that is available in your state...or "Choices" both cater to the needs of the aged and disabled! I would sell your moms car too.. If she can't see it she won't be tempted to drive it! Good luck... Also on this site there is a section on "Caregiver Burnout" read it all.... It will give many ideas and hope for the caregiver on the edge of feeling "Hopeless"... I was ther many times and it is a great help!

If she is able to drive . You should let her. All she doing is trying to hold on to what little she has left. Yes, there are places that will pick her up . You must call the senior center in your town. They can help you. If her car is bad ask someone to help you fix it. Again the senior center will help. You need to take a time out. Even just for a day. Prayers are with you.

Has your mom always had a temper or is this new behavior? Perhaps medication can help. It sounds like you need a serious break from care giving. Is there someone who can take her for a week? Can she stay in respite if you don't have anyone available? do you have church connections? Perhaps someone can come "visit" so you can get a few hours to yourself.