My father is verbally abusive to my mother. How do I approach him about it?

Its a touchy subject, and your father may deny the behavior. Has this behavior been going on throughout their marriage? Or did this behavior start recently? If its a new problem, rage, anger and abuse could be a side effect of a conditions such as Alzheimer's disease or dementia. If that dynamic between the two of them has been going on for years, the answer might be counseling. If dad won't go, encourage your mother to go alone (or with you) to learn about why she accepts this abuse and what can be done about.

Just flat out tell him to stop it. You should remind him that your Mom isn't as young as she used to be and that she doesn't need the stress caused by his verbal lashings. He should be told that he should appreciate her today because she may not be here tomorrow.

I also think that if this is the way their marriage has been all these years, then why should it be any different now that they're old? In fact, if your dad has dementia/alz it's only going to be amplified. If on the other hand this is new, then his doctor should be the one you're talking to for some 'happy pills' maybe. I've come to admit that all marriages have their own 'dance' so to speak, this could be theirs.

If this has been ongoing throughout their marriage (as with my parents), I seriously doubt anything will change the behaviour now. I agree with the comment above to remind your dad to be nicer to your mom as she might not be here tomorrow. If possible, visit more often so you can offer your mom support.

I appreciate everyone's support. My father was verbally abusive to me and my two brothers growing up, but I never heard him react to Mom like that until now that they are living alone without anyone else to demean. He's not too obvious in front of us, but I bought them both cell phones and when they 'forget' to hang up after a call, I hear some very mean things. I am going to approach him and remind him that Mom may be gone any day, and that he needs to cherish her, not treat her so rudely. Thanks everyone!

He may not even be aware that he is doing this, if it is a long established behaviour pattern. I would say something to him about you feel that is unkind or that you do not like him talking to your Mom like that. If he knows it bothers you maybe he will realize. I think you have to be prepared for the fact that some folks just interact that way. Is in one of those men that always needs to be in control??? Many older men are that way. They still have the attitude that they are in charge as it were... Long established behavior patterns can be tough if not impossible to change. take care, J

I would give him a choice to stop the behaivor or tell him he will have to be placed in anursing home or your Mom will go to a lawyer to get a legal seperation from him it was that way with me and I could not take it anymore and for a time we lived in the same house but he had to fix his own meals and take care of himself and I did all my own meals at an other and not talkung to each other help our Pastor talked me out of a legal seperation which I should have done anyway because he was going to have to go on medicaide and that would have left me with very little money as it was he got very ill soon after and died now I am stuck with his debts because he over spent money mostly just before he died -the least she should do is get her own credit cards in just her name and get a legal seperation because he will never change and will keep abusing her forever and she needs to get some peace in her life without him and let him carry on since he seems to think he is so wonderful he is entitled to treat her badly and in him mind he owns her abuse is wrong-let her live in peace he will never change he probably was brought up that women were the property of men like my husband was-he died a year ago and I refuse to get him a head stone until his debts are paid-by me which will take years but at least I have peace now.

My Mom says horrid things to my Dad all the time and I never realized how bad it was until I moved back in with them. We'll be eating dinner and she'll say things like, "if you keep eating like that you're going to be a big fat pig and I'll be damned if I'm going to take care of you if you have a heart attack."

If the toilet doesn't flush right, she'll blame dad for "forcing" her to move into "a cheap crappy house full of cheap crap that never works worth a crap." She blames him for anything and everything.

I can't stand it. I asked Dad how he puts up with it; he's a very kind and sweet-tempered man. He just shrugs & says, "I let it go in one ear and out the other."

But I haven't been so forgiving to mom. I've told her her constant bickering at Dad bothers me; that only gets her started on all the things that are wrong with him. I've said, "that's enough!" when she starts one of her mean rampages. She'll lay off for a while, but it doesn't last long.

I don't know how Dad has stayed married to her for 62 years, but when she gets sick, he gets totally depressed about it so he still loves her.

Anyway, I don't have an answer to your situation or mine, but can relate.

Ajl2001,
What I had to do where my son is concerned with the way his wife is treating him, was ask him IF he will stand up for himself WHEN he feels the need. He assured me he would, but the things that are bothering me don't necessarily bother my laid back son.
So knowing that he WILL protect himself when he feels it's WARRANTED, I stopped being bothered. (daily struggle)
Maybe that's all you need from your father, is the assurance that he will defend himself when he believes he needs to. If he says yes, then let it go. Every marriage has their own 'dance' so to speak, that is theirs.

I live several states away from my elderly parents and see them only about 2 or 3 times a year. When mom & dad are home alone during the week, things are usually fine. Sometimes dad is even caring and nice. However, when they bring my adult mentally challenged brother home for the weekend, it seems my dad slips into a "different personality." If brother gets silly or loud, dad will do the same. If he doesn't, then brother will prompt him to and he will. Their constant nonsensical talking, combined with the loudness, irritates my mom to say something. Then all *ell breaks loose. My dad talks to her like she is a child, says things to confuse and/or hurt her, and basically takes up for brother. Mom gets very upset, physically, mentally and emotionally and is a nervous wreck. I've tried to tell her to ignore them, go into another room, etc. Since they are not going to change, I've tried to get her to remove herself from their nonsense. I've also told her to talk to her doctor about this; however, dad's usually with her and she won't say anything. I've scolded dad before for his outragious, childish behavior and reminded him that mom is his wife and not his child and that she won't be around forever. This seems to work for a brief time only. I feel so sorry for mom. I'm not able to take her in although I doubt she'd leave unless she was forced to. Any suggestons?