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Anticipatory Grief. I feel like grieving even when my mom is alive because the friend/helper I've known isn't there anymore. Anyone else feel that way?

Asked by jody2135 | Feb 8, 2010

Im the only one to take care of my mom and I work during the week. My mom is good about not trying to cook or go outside. She just sits all day and watches whatever is on the tv. She may read a little. I'm considering having someone come in to spend time with mom during the day so she will get some company now that my youngest son has moved out. I am anticipating a fight about having someone come; she will probably tell me she doesn't need anyone to come over. Curious how others experience has been. Also, I feel like grieving even when my mom is alive because the friend/helper I've known isn't there anymore. Anyone else feel that way?

Answers 1 to 6 of 6

naheaton

Give a Hug

Feb 8, 2010

If you're going to pay someone to come in, can you tell her it's to make lunch for her, clean a little etc? If it looks like it's for your good, not hers maybe she'll be less defensive. Also, did she go to a church? If so, is there someone in the church that would be willing to come and talk, or play cards, or start a new book to read with her?

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jody2135

Give a Hug

Feb 8, 2010

I think I will try that strategy. She hasn't gone to church in the last three 1/2 years. I have tried to get her to go, but she doesn't want to be bothered anymore. Thanks for the advice!

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pamela6148

Give a Hug

Feb 8, 2010

Jody grieving for your mom now is not unusual. I too miss the mother I had of yesterday because the mother I have of today is very different. You're certainly not alone there.

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SecretSister

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Feb 8, 2010

Hi Jody, you are definitely not alone! I both grieve the current losses, and the ones to come. They call this "anticipatory grief." It's the most painful things I've ever experienced to date, save the grief of dealing with mental and cognitive decline. Still, I try to see the positives among the wonderfully supportive friends that God has brought my way. Weirdest thing I know! Extreme pain on one hand, and joy on the other! I call that, amazing grace. I'm praying you experience the same! Just know you're not alone.

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pamela6148

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Feb 8, 2010

SS you are such a wonderful writer. I love the way you xpress yourself.

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sanityLost

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Feb 9, 2010

I think it's a great idea. Everyone needs human contact. The only draw back to this is that over time I noticed that some of her "friends" took advantage of her. There were many "loans" given. These loans totaled in the thousands. Also several pieces of jewelery were given away, and a few antiques. the jewelry and antiques were not a problem. Moms things are her things, but the two people we trusted took advantage of her good will when it came to the money, because they made no attempt to repay the loans. I'm so thankful that mom posted Loan on the checks. I contacted the people and pointed out that the money was a loan and that we expect to be repaid. Mom needs that money for meds and supplies.

We also hired outside help and one person stole a diamond ring. We have since removed the valuables and have put in a nanny cam and watch the new one like a hawk.

Mom likes the company. Our only problem is, is that these people will take advantage by watching soap operas, and not really taking care of moms needs. I have to leave to do lists and a menu of foods for mom. I also let them know what mom likes to watch and that they are paid to care for her and her needs, not to watch soaps and lay about. So far so good. Just remember that the way our parents were raised was to be hospitable, and accommodating and not to complain. I have to explain that we PAY this person, she isn't here out of the goodness of her heart. It's a very fine line.

Good luck with your situation and let us know how it's going.

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