My husband has Alzheimer's. When he asks about his mother and I tell him she has died he starts crying. Should I lie to him?

Deanna Lueckenotte, Oct 20, 2009

Deanna Lueckenotte is the author of "Alzheimer's Days Gone By: For Those Caring For Their Loved Ones." She plans to continue publishing books related to Alzheimer's and caregivers. She would also like to continue her education by obtaining her doctorate in geriatrics.

How I approach it with my families and staff is many different ways. There is a technique you can use called a "therapeutic lie." What I mean by this is instead of brining your loved one into your reality take yourself into their current reality. If they think it is 1940 in Oklahoma and a tornado is coming then that is where you are. The other way I phrase it to families and staff is to enter their reality where ever they may be. If your husband asks a question about his mom that leads you to believe that he thinks she is alive try redirection(diverting his attention to something else), reminiscing (asking memory type questions about his mom;for example: Tell me about the time you and your mom went to the baseball game together) or the therapuetic lie technique(For example: your mom is on vacation, at the store, things that his mom would have done while she was living. Always keep enter their reality where ever they may be in your mind and then you will not feel like you are lying to your loved one.

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linda09

Oct 19, 2009

yes my father would ask me wheres your momma ? i told him shes in heaven well it shocked him and he would go in deppresions . so i decided from then on i would tell him shes sleeping and he would smile said oh she must be tired , i said yes shes tired dad .. and its good to see him smile than be all heartbroken . at another time i would just ask him where he think she is ? he said oh shes prob at home resting . yeah dad i think so too .
dont say she died it would hurt him and feel all alone ...

Helpful Answer (3)

Oct 19, 2009

hapfra - geriatric fiblet is what it is called. I know what it means. But some people with Alzheimer's remember and then forget. This is something you have to watch for too. I know my husband and how he thinks. No it doesn't hurt to tell them a fiblet but what do you say when they remember then. Every person is different with this disease. I have done some studies on my own and read as much as possible. But each person is different with this disease and you learn to deal with the person not the disease. Thanks again

Helpful Answer (2)

Jan 6, 2010

Hi everyone. I had to take Ed to the hospital this morning. His BP was very low. 76/59. I called 911. It came up but they took him into the hospital anyway. Found out he has lost 22 lbs in one mo. So what is next? Say a prayer for him, that God's will be done and if it is his time to go that he goes quickly. He has suffered enough. I could use a prayer too that I am able to with stand what ever happens. All of you are always on my mind of what you may be going through. Hugs to all of you. Reba

Helpful Answer (2)

Oct 19, 2009

Thanks for all of your input on this - but telling him she is still somewhere is better than saying she is dead. That hurts any of us. But this time he fooled me and ask for the phone book to look up her humber. They aren't all there but they are if you know what I mean.

linda09

Oct 19, 2009

yes sometimes i wonder if dad s playing games with me to see what i would say . ahh i dont know . i just tell him shes sleeping , resting , who knows maybe i;ll tell him she went to walmart then next time he ask haha .

hapfra

Oct 19, 2009

I would not tell the person anything that possibly be would be upsettingsing to them---at the Alz support meetings--they use the term 'fiblits'-and perhaps this will work for you. Good luck on your caregiver journey.

Oct 19, 2009

Oh you should always be loving. My doctor said they become like a child. Not only do they want to see or call someone that has died sometimes they say well they were just here. Or a member of the family was just here. That isn't as bad as the ones that have died. But I tell him you must of been dreaming because they are not here. They see odd things that are not real. They see people and children that are not here. One day he told me there was a man upstairs in an over coat. I had to show him that there wasn't anyone up there and everything was ok. Talk about a spooky night - I have had plenty of them.

hapfra

Oct 19, 2009

Hi once again--I am new at this messaging system-Anyhow to reply to your question--I would use a 'fiblet' - based upon how you think your answer will be received. There is really no sense to me in making a person with dementia even more depressed. Been there/did that--