My 85-year-old mother has Alzheimer's and needs to go to the doctor, but won't because her boyfriend tells her I'm trying to "put her away." What should I do?

Foxy,
Sorry for the roadblock you've run into. I'm sure you've explained to him how important her health is. Have you tried also explaining that "putting her away" is more difficult than one imagines? To force someone into a nursing home or other care facility takes alot more than "oh my mom is sick" you can't force anyone to go unless a judge decides this with full medical backing. Even then it depends on your moms current living situation. There are so many factors to getting someone "put away". It could take MONTHS to get your mom into a facility without her consent. IF she's that far gone.

Call her doctors office and explain the situation. If they feel she needs to come in, they will get a hold of her.

If you feel that she is in a dangerous situation and feel she needs immediate help call your local office of aging and adult services. If you would like to just talk about your concerns try calling the 24 hour hotline at www.alz.org. They are great at just giving advice. Of course, keep coming back here. There's a wealth of information all around.

Best Wishes

This sounds like a situation that you will need some help with. I sympathize with you, as I have dealt with some horrendous difficulties in my family concerning Alzheimer's and other serious mental health issues. Hard to help loved ones who don't understand, as we can't reason with a sick mind. Free legal services are available for seniors, and even for the daughter of one. They can at least give you some direction... Best wishes, and know you're not alone!

Does your moms boyfriend live with her? if you don't mind me asking.

Why can't you just make an apt. not tell her about it, and take her to the doctor without him knowing it.

My mom's boyfriend not only lives w/her , he totally manipulates what mind she has left. When he is in the other room my mother is not too aggressive with me or my son. But as soon as he enters ,its like she is taking cues from him. When he starts making nasty comments to me, mymother starts screaming and telling me I have to leave or he won't shut up. This is all done on purpose by him to get rid of me. I can't get her to go to the doctor with me because she won't leave the house without him. Also, if I could get her in the car I believe she might try to jump out. Thats how bad she is at this point. Adult Protective services to all the information, but would not tell me the outcome other than if they woud not let them in the house, there is nothing they can do! So what good are they?

Umm lure your mom out under the pretense of going to lunch or something and make her sit in the backseat with childproof locks and windows?

I think SecretSisters advice to seek legal help is called for in this called for in this case. Are there such things as interventions for the elderly? I would keep working with the Office of Aging they really do have a mountain of resources at their fingertips to help you. Just because they were denied access, I do not believe they have given up. On the contrary, if they are wise they saw something was wrong right just by not being able to get in.

I can't imagine what you're going through, Foxy, nor will I pretend to. But I have to believe that there IS a way!

Best Wishes,
Kelley

Do you think your mother plans to marry the boyfriend? In which case he would become her next of kin and not your problem.

She sounds like she has her own life. If she is eating and is clean then I would visit her and leave her alone, don't try to force her into anything.

If the boyfriend is abusing her, if she is starving, or if she is overly dirty then maybe you could get legal help. Right now if he is not abusing her then he probably does feel he is protecting her from you. We have to remember that being weird, strange, forgetful, or even wasting money like crazy - is not dementia and is not illegal.

SoAlone,My mother's boyfriend has no intention of marring my mother. She eats once a day,sometimes a muffin or cracker/tuna fish. She doesn't even know when she's eaten or not. I'm sure she hasn't showered in months and her hair is now shoulder length and filthy. She has been in the same dirty clothes for at least amonth or two. This includes sleeping in them. She now throws her soiled toilet paper next to the toilet on the floor.This is a woman who was meticuosly clean and had her hair done once a week.She has lost 30 lbs. in the past year weighing in at 115. Her boyfriend has grabbed her by her neck,thrown water in her face and tells her to call 911 because when the police get there " you crazy old woman" they will take her away. So now she just keeps quite about it.

OK can you have someone accupy the boyfriend, then have someone help you get your mom to the doctor?

or

stay away for a while, then go by and see what happens. Could you do that? I mean if he's dealing with her Alz why don't you let him see what it's like to REALLY deal with it.

His way of dealing with her Alz. is ignoring her. He falls asleep during the day and she has wandered outside. She lives right on the road and I'm afraid she will go out in the street or fall down outside. This past July , they went to the grocery store and got separated( he left her alone while he went to the bathroom). She walked out of the store , fell down off the curb and broke 3 ribs. She was on her way to walk home 3 miles down the road. Then he didn't take her to the doctor for 3 weeks.

HOney if you say all this, and it's true then you need to go over there and video all these things. Tape pictures of what your mom use to look like vs now. If she's in the same old clothing, stop each time you go by and buy a newspaper and place it against her and RECORD! You need to build a case and I just can't see how Adult Protective Services has not interviened, (xcuse my spelling that happens when I get angry).

If you go over and he's asleep, RECORD it!

The people at the store when your mom wondered out, have them write a statement about what they saw.

You have a lot of tolerance. Do you have a family? husband? brothers? sisters? cousins, great uncles, aunts....