Is it normal to be angry a lot when living with your elderly mother?

Angry,Sad, depressed and ever once in awhile when they say or do something nice or sweet happy.

Yes, I think it would be very frustrating to live with my elderly mother. That's why we chose an assisted living facility for her. What about an apartment close by? Does she get out? Can you get some caregiver or respite care to give you a break? Your mother will upset you and your family life because you are too close. You've tried it and it's not working. You have to think of you and your family. Can she live with the other siblings for a few months out of the year? Take turns?

I think it is normal to have resentful or angry feelings in your situation, so don't beat yourself up too much about it. It's not always to deal with especially when you don't get any relief from you siblings and the parent's finances are enough that you can choose other options. I would recommend you get yourself on a routine that you get out during the day, at least a couple times a week. Enjoy yourself and do nice things for yourself, you deserve to do this. Make sure to have special time for you and your husband without the Mom around too. It might not make it completely better, but it helps. Check with your local Department of Aging and Elderly Assistance they sometimes can offer some good suggestions and/or assistance.

I feel your pain. From everything I have read on this site, you.. me and others are not alone in feeling this way. I think it is good that your recognize it and are reaching out for help. I went to a counselor for a while because I felt my emotions were out of control and I am sure the people around me were tierd of hearing me complain etc... She gave me some good advice on how to control my surroundings and not feel like I was at the mercy of my dad all the time.
oh trust me I still have my days..... where I dont want to return home either but I feel I have most of those emotions under better control. I agree with the others that have responded. I too have a spouse that has to deal with me and my father. Why he has not run away .. I dont know. But I do try and set up dates with him, where the two of go to dinner and a couple times a year we get a cheap hotel on the beach and just get away from the insanity our house has most of the time. Hang in there and find someone to talk to and keep coming to this site. These people are a blessing and will make you feel normal and will give you some good advise. God bless you

Didi,

You're in a typical triangulated relationship and it's not working. I think you and your husband need to have a very serious discussion about this situation both in terms of its impact on each of you as individuals, the two of you as a couple, and explore solutions other than the one that is currently not working. I think getting you and your husband to gether on the same page as a team is the place to begin for in the end, ya''ll will be making decisions with or without your siblings.

Just curious, but does your husband's resentment every express itself in comments like 'stop being your mother's little girl and be my wife' or 'you just don't seem to be yourself anymore ever since your mother came to live with us'?

Is is just old age or has your mother ever been satisfied in life?

Who has or does anyone have medical and durable POA?

Have you ever thought of getting a therapist for yourself or for you and your husband to see while getting out of this jam somehow?]

As a husband I will honestly tell you that it's made me very angry how my MIL played havoc with my wife's head for so many years until she got therapy and I got therapy. Now she is more fully present with me as a wife and with our boys as a mother. Before that, it was like my wife was married to more than just one person emotionally and intellectually speaking. My MIL would have thanked God if I had left or died before my wife gained her freedom from the Fear Obligation and Guilt hoovering drama job she did so many times on my wife. Both her threapist in my presence one time and some collegues told me years ago that most men in my shoes would have been gone a long time ago.

"satisfied" You will never reach the end of that road until death makes your efforts on her behalf unnecessary
If you husband is still standing by you, thank him every day. Since your mom moved in for financial & security reasons, get yourself out of the house a few days a week (more than a visit to the library): volunteer, take a community ed class, exercise, go out to lunch or dinner and some community events with your husband. Ignore mom's moods if she chooses to resent your taking care of yourself and your marriage. Can those sibs take your mother during holidays or other times in the year? Discuss this possibility with them and tell them why you are asking this of them. There are lots of valid suggestions from your friends here on this site. Stand up for yourself!
I wish you all the best.

An assisted living facility would be just the thing for your mother. She does not have the right to make disagreeable comments about how you choose to live your life. Especially living in your home. Doesn't matter if she is your mother. You are an adult now, and can make your own decisions. Look into different assisting facilities. Most take medicare and mediaid. At least they do in SC where I live. If she can live by herself then look into HUD housing. A place maybe not to far from you. The rent is very reasonable, and they take care of the apartments very well. My mom lived in one, and she enjoyed it. Please do something before this breaks up your family. Hope this helps.

I am with Crowemagnum and I'll give you advise from a divorced mama's girl, (not anymore, I learned my lesson) who listened so frantically to what mom said that it broke up my marriage.

Get your mom out of your house!!!!

If this takes a while let me suggest you and your husband spend some weekends at a nice Hotel Ritz-Carlton, Four Seasons...and hang from the chandeleers if you want too. Get someone to come in and stay with her while you're away but do spend special time with your husband. He needs to know and understand how much he means to you.

Your marriage is important and it's hard enough to keep a marriage together without interference from a mom who has already lived her life and is trying to run yours.

Get her out!!

I hope I'm not being too blunt!

Pamela,

"hang from the chandeleers" That's a creative and funny idea! I like the idea of go somewhere nice instead of well let's find the abosolutely cheepest place we can go to which sort of makes the whole effort feel like a cheep obligation.

You can be far more blunt that I can from where you stand much like I've seen my SIL get very blunt with my wife before my wife got into the light of where she is now. I had to contain my joy on the inside when one particularly powerful conversation took place. The concluding look in my SIL eyes toward my wife wrote more paragraphs than the number of words she actually said with her mouth. It was like standing on holy ground while those two identical twin sisters hashed that out and my SIL was right.

Ok, back to the present to add one thing, when you go to "a nice Hotel Ritz-Carlton, Four Seasons...and hang from the chandeleers " please don't talk about ya mama and if thoughts about her get in your brain, don't let them out of your mouth. I understand you can't totally control ya head, but it absolutely ruins time toally alone to suddenly start talking about mom or dad or children back home.

I hear ya girlfriend. Since I write in the Elder Care section of the Examiner, I have a Home Care Business and we helped care for our elderly mom, I think I've felt every emotion too. I don't feel it's ever good to take in a parent or grand parent unless it is the ONLY way. Relationships suffer.
I can't say I ever got angry with mom but we took turns staying with her 24/7. I did have a lot of support with my siblings and even a couple of aunts that helped when we needed to juggle our schedules. Sounds like you and your husband are on your own.
I've read a lot of good advise but I didn't see anyone tell you to give it to God. He can be your best friend in hard times. If you have a Church and Christian friends lean on them. Get people to come in and eat meals with you, maybe have someone relieve you so you can get out on a regular basis.
Have you talked with your siblings and asked if they can take mom in, or help finance her an apartment/assisted living so she can live independently?
If this doesn't help you may just have to be honest with mom, your sanity and your marriage will suffer if you don't get it under control. If you want to save what's left of your relationship with mom, pray and talk to her.
Being Angry is understandable but it's not good for your health.