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Husband makes violating jokes and it separated me and my daughter. How do you deal with that?

Asked by fancicoffee52  |  Sep 25, 2010

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He has heart condition but is in good health and heart disease, but is in good health right now. We are going to counseling at the church. He doesn't seem to see this as being really wrong, and he doesn't talk much at all! He doesn't seem to be able to communicate his thoughts well. His crude and violating joking just must stop! He is able to be at home alone and is totally able to function normally on his own. This behavior with my daughter, has separated us. She no longer wants to be around "us", but as long as he is nowhere, her and I can visit. That upsets me alot because, what about holidays where you can't be apart without obvious effort?

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maggiesue

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Sep 25, 2010

Does your husband have some sort of physical illness that causes the inappropriate language? You should talk to his doctor about this symptom.

Or does he just say inappropriate things to your daughter because he's a dirty old man? If that's the case then your daughter is behaving correctly to avoid him. You'll have to make other arrangements to see her when he is not around. Don't expect him to stop the behavior because he won't.

 
 

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NancyH

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Sep 25, 2010

Is he the father of your daughter? If he is, then that's really weird and disturbing, if not, then he's acting like a dirty old man like maggiesue said and needs to be called on the carpet about it. Unless he has some sort of mental illness, then tell him to knock it off and grow up. And she's right to stay away from him until he cleans up his act. Meet her away from the house and go shopping.

 
 

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fancicoffee52

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Sep 26, 2010

He is just being a "dirty ol' man" and she does keep her distance. Thanks for the input. I am obviously greatly having marrital problems because of this. But, counseling is bound to help in this area. He is elderly and that is why I visit this site, plus, I suppose that is part of his ugly behavior. I do call him on the carpet when among others. Thanks again. He is not her father.

 
 

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LynnPO

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Sep 27, 2010

Based on what you describe your husband could be exhibiting symptoms of vascular dementia - I just read up on it and the inability to express oneself and lack of inhibition (the dirty jokes) were on the list of symptoms. It might be wise to have him evaluated for this to see if there's anything you can do to help him overall.

Your daughter is right to avoid him, whether it's dementia or not. If it is dementia, then perhaps she'll be more understanding and it will stop as his condition changes. If it's NOT dementia, then perhaps he does this because he WANTS to keep her away. I don't know how long you've been married, but is any man worth risking the relationship you have with your kids?

 
 

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MiaMadre

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Sep 27, 2010

If I may ask, how old is your daughter? There are several things that can be wrong, and don't be too quick to rule out a medical problem. Vascular dementia seems like a likely problem, add in (new) family dynamics, and just age in general and you have the possibility for many problems.

How everyone responds is very important too. If it is a mental condition that can be modified with (mild) drugs, so be it. If not, and it truly is just "dirty old man syndrome" then family counselor is the best way to handle it. Personally I would have many problems if it were my daughter being verbally assaulted by anyone, as I am sure you do.

Keep going to counseling and see if it improves.

 
 

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