How can I convince both of my parents with dementia to go to a good assisted living facility?

Sounds like you may need and "intermediary" who can calmy, yet firmly, help your parents transition into the next phase of their lives. Trying to do it yourselves or involving non-participating siblings may get you nowhere.

Before you begin, collect information about all facilities in your area. Get referrals. Visit the centers at different times of the day. Then you will have peace of mind knowing that they have chosen the best living conditions for them.

Is there a clergy person, geriatric specialist, social worker, or friend who can assist as an impartial third-party? It would help if a medical professional could do an assessment.

You and your husband deserve a BIG break from all of this. You have done the most loving and caring work possible. Now it's time to let go.

Good Luck,
Lilli

Unfortnately, I can only address the convincing them to go into an assisted living place. I can't even begin to imagine the heartbreak and stress, both emotionally and now, physically, that you and your husband are going thru. Please know that many of us out here support and care about you! My mother resisted the idea of giving up her independent apartment living. I'm a "soft touch" too, so I backed off of the subject for awhile. However, one day, after a series of illness/events that led me to taking alot of time off during work hrs to go and "put the fires out", I took her for an open house that was right around this time of year. The assisted living place was beautifully decorated for the holidays and everyone that worked there made a big to-do over her. She was interested then. The final convincing came when I told her that if she sold her car (which she luckily was no longer driving), we would take the money and buy all new furniture for her new place. We ended up having to put some of our own money into this, but it was well worth it when she agreed. I also built up the fact that it would be like dining in a restaurant every day since she would be in a room where she could order her food. Also, I built up the fact that all of her physical needs like laundry and housekeeping would also be met there. Assistance with showering, getting dressed, and physical assistance to the dining hall can also be added on if or when needed. Put together any incentives that you think could entice them. My health started to really deteriorate when the care got more and more (I have sisters that aren't involved either) before this move. I am just getting over a bad case of the flu and while it was hard not to go over there (I usually do every other day - it's 7 mins from my home), I have felt some comfort knowing that if anything comes up, they can and will deal with it at the assisted living place. It's still a rocky path sometimes, but ultimately, I had to do what was best for all concerned.

Hang in there! We're all pulling for you!

NP

Tranquility, this demonizing of the actual caregiver is pretty common. When I first started caregiving, I tried to have one sister who SEEMED to be concerned to act as the "good cop" to my obligatory "bad cop" role. She refused, so I had to be both until a niece stepped up a year later.

Anyway, this one sister arrives very seldom, with mylar balloons and hundred dollar bouquets and 2' high greeting cards. So she's greeted like she was the conquering hero, arrived to deliver mom from the daily grind. Truthfully, I give mom an extremely rich life, but that's just the way it is. The other sister refuses to see her shallowness. And that's just the way it is.

I have do to all the good work and all the dirty work, deliver the bad news "No you can no longer replace your dentures...you waited too long to have this done..." She hates me for that...

oh, please don't type in all caps. How about typing in all lower case. Easier to read.

Tranquility~Your story sounds very familiar to me-as I have gone thru similiar issues as well. In my case, I guess I was fortunate-in that my Mom's neurologist suggested to her--she try assisited living. Since the idea came from a physician (a person of authority)..she seemed receptive to the idea. It was explained to her by both myself and the admission staff-that she would be able to continue an independent life, however-assistance would be there for her as well. Thus making her life one that would be easier-and have more quality. Having all her meals prepared, as well as 24/7 nursing assistance as needed-gave me more peace of mind. Having less responsibilites, my Mom actually flurished. She participated in some of the activities, and dined with others in the dining room, and made some new friends. The transition can be difficult at some level, but in the long run-everyone wins out. It may be easier for you and your husband as well. It is important to check out the assisted living facility, to see if it meets the needs of all-Make an unexpected visit there, and ask if you can have a tour of the facility..If there is a reply, "you need an appointment"-then beware. Good Luck!

The adult child who assumes the role of primary caregiver often unwittingly also gets to take on the role of "bad guy." This is so very sad because caregiving takes so much energy and is done out of love for the aging parent/s. I recommend a support group, counseling, or regular sessions with a clergy person you can trust. An objective listener is critical to your well-being. As far as convincing, I wish you luck. One of the strategies that has worked in my assisted living residence is starting with a respite (short term trial period). If things get really dangerous, you can consult the protective services agency in your geographic area for assistance. They will help you understand how best to respect your parents' rights as individuals while best protecting them from their own poor safety awareness. It isn't always easy and often results in tension among family members. If you are sincerely acting from a place of love and concern for your parents, you will do what is right in the end. Get some help, an agency, an attorney, someone who can share with you the options and assist you choosing what is best for you and your family. I wish you the best. My prayers are with you.

This sounds so familiar. I went through the ugly time with my Mother. She had always been a sweet person. She turned bad, she went to the hospital for awhile, they found out she had a chemical imbalance. This was diagnosed by a doctor. They give put her o zyprexa and zoloft. And for awhile she was on ambien but is not now. She is my sweet Mother again. The chemical balance affects their mental state. See if her doctor will test for this if he hasn't already.

Take your mother to a Geriatric Assessment Program and let the impartial experienced professional staff be the bearer of bad news. Although it is easy to say when you are not living it, try to remember that you are doing what is best for them and ultimately protecting them from what would surely be an unsafe situation. Not only is it OK that you are making this decision, it is your duty to do so, no different than it would be if you had a child who was in need of assistance and supervision in order to remain safe.