Can I leave my 90-year-old mother, who has suffered from a stroke, in the care of my 16 and 19-year-old children?

Well I wrote this question about 2 hours ago. Since then here's what happened.

Crystal, my mom care giver got off at 7:00 pm. I told my mom I would be over at about 11:00 pm. Crystal called me at 7:30 pm and said she was just leaving. She said my brother-n-law, my niece, and my nephew were all there with my mom. I said OK.

At 8:30 pm my mom called and asked me to come over because she had to go, you know gooooooooo. I asked her where my niece was, she said she can't help her. So I go over there to change my mom who'd already gone. While I'm there my nephew leaves, my niece leaves, and my brother-n-law is sneaking out the back door.

I took my 21 yr old over there with me and my intention was to go, and come back. Now everyone leaves since I've arrived. Needless to say I'm mad, fuming mad.

So I come back home to drop off my son who has an early am call, and now I've got to go right back over there because no one is there.

I feel the world on my shoulders, I really do. But I'm headin back because I surely don't want anything to happen to my mom with no one there.

I'll look for solutions and any kind of advice that you can give come Wednesday as that's when I'll be back home. My mom has a Doctor's apt Tuesday and I'm taking her so Crystal has the day off.

So unless my sister comes home from the hospital Tuesday, (after after effects of gastric bypass surgery colon clot) but then again she may not be of any use at that time either.

Don't take this as judgmental but.... how can your sister do anything to help your eldery Mom so soon after surgery? I've had abdominal surgery and was unable to sit up normally, lift more than 5 pounds or bend over for a couple of weeks. It took a good 8 weeks before I felt normal and 2 years later I still get twinges of pain near the incision.

I am making an assumption here that your mom has been living with you sister and her family for at least a few months - long enough to hire a day time care giver. Perhaps they look at your evening to help as a break - perhaps they're just lame. I wonder what your sister does on evenings when she's not in the hospital, does all of grandmas care fall on her alone?

If grandma was living with this family then they should ALL - kids, son-in-law, brothers, sisters - expect to help with grandma when the main care giver is incapacitated. If it's all falling on your sister, then she probably needs some help and Grandma might benefit from assisted living.

Oh my! I understand the situation. It's only human to complain, but it's also very human to see everyone scamper away as if caregiving is such a scary monstrous job! I decided to stop whining complaining. I know it's too much. But sometimes the only solution is in you. It's maddening to know that everyone in your family tries to sort of make themselves "busy" or "going someplace else" whenever you're the one who's got legitimate reason to go out. Caregiving is such a stressful job, even your very own family members go away and shy away from this responsibility. It's even more maddening that even though you're blessed with a bigger clan and surrounded by more family members, compared to me who is a one-woman band, caregiver breadwinner solo single parent all rolled into one, I truly understand your frustration. I share the angst with you. God bless us all caregivers. Try to smile despite...

Lynn my sister had gastric bypass surgery 6 yrs ago, and the night she came in from the hospital, after a 5 day stay, she got right back in the streets. She is not recooperating from surgery, she's looking for a way out. The surgery was 6 YEARS AGO!.

She's looking for a vacation, and get's it at the hospital.

My sister's family has lived in my moms house for 16 years. Saying they stay there to help with my mom, but the real reason is because they pay $175.00 every other week, (oh excuse me my mom went up on their rent after the stroke $25.00 so now they pay $200.00 every other week. NOw where can a family of 4 live for that. Oh yeah they pay the electric bill but there's 4 of them.

The niece is "TOO CUTE" to help change grandma's poopy diapers, and the nephew well he's in and out, Grandfather's clock, (aka my brother n law I call him that cause he looks so old) does nothing.

I've just come from a 3 day stay there 24/7 giving my sister a break, and I was the one who hired the caregiver. I put my life on hold to get my mom taken care of while my sister just kept on keeping on. Surely I shouldn't have but I'm not sorry, well maybe a little:)

MHMARFIL yes caregiving is a stressful job, it's a little too much for me though.

pamela, I'm stating the obvious here but it all depends on who the 16 and 19 year olds are, etc. With all those people living with your mom, you should not have to be running over there all the time. It's horrible in my book. I'm don't know about a son in law or nephew changing your Mom's poopy diapers. That should be the niece or your sister. Correct me if I'm wrong on that, but I just can't see my husband changing my mom. Maybe I'm being sexist here...I don't know. Your niece being "TOO CUTE" to do so is ridiculous and she is not learning how the real world works. They are doing her no favors in my opinion. Nobody WANTS to change poopy diapers, but it has to be done. It's part of life. Hang in there Sweetie. I'm here for you!! :) Hugs to you!!

I was 16 when my 100 year old grandmother came to live with us. I helped clean her up and some of the more unglamouress chores.I say if these nearly grown kids aren't helping they donot need to be there. It is time someone explain to them that this is what family does when you love someone-You take care of them.There is no shame in getting old,but there is plenty of shame in not helping. My brother used the same excuss with my 21 year old newphew,yet my then 5 year old daughter was doing everything possible to contribute.If you can walk and talk you should help.Needless to say the ones who donot help always have there hands out the most when it is inheritence time.

Amen tennessee Amen!