My 75-year-old mother refuses to bathe and she doesn’t have dementia. What can we do?

I only wish I had an answer for you but I am only here to tell you we have the same problem with my mother, the smell is so bad no one can go into the room now without gagging. I have begged and begged and written mum a letter to say how much I miss my old mum as I can no longer sit and talk with her because of the smell. I cannot understand why she cannot smell this. Doctors are no help whatsoever - someone out there must have an answer! Any Health visitors or nurses out there to assist - what can be done??? Desperate daughter of 78 year old mum who does not believe she smells even when not showed for months on end.

I am so sorry. But actually, it does sound a bit like dementia. As in, if it was me deciding that I did not want to bathe, clean or attend to my wounds then I would obviously have crossed a line somewhere. In that case I would want my family to take firm but kindly charge, get a doctor to give me a (preferably knockout) tranquiliser, clean me up, attend to my wounds/take me to hospital, and clean up my room. Give everyone a chance to break the pattern?

Sorry if this is useless advice, it sounds like a nightmare.

Sounds like excellent advice, T.

I have worked in this field for over 20 years now. Unfortunately this is a common problem with the elderly.Hygiene is just as important as their physical health. At this point it is about "tough love". Asking the Doctor for a sedative for anxiety does help at times. It is also helpful sometimes to hire someone else to do these things. Most of the time your loved ones play on your emotions and your feelings and the guilt can lay pretty heavy. If you do receive a sedative it is best to give at least 30-40 minutes prior to bathing/personal care. Always have your area set up and ready to go with shampoo, soap, clean clothing and whatever else you might need. It can be helpful too if you do NOT "ask" them if they want their bath/shower. Sitting with them with that 30-40 minutes prior and spending some time with them also helps. And if indeed it does not go right the first time or even second time, with consistency it will help in the long run.

I would also adopt the tough love approach... It is affecting her health and yes I agree there is some dementia... She is not reasoning well and not able to care for herself. I would get gloves and a mask and help her take a shower. I would not give her any choices... she needs to do it or she has to be put in a facility where they will care for her. take care J

I appreciate the kind responses. If there is dementia, it's been present since at least the 1960s, because her hygiene was an issue between my parents from the time they married. What this seems to be is a refusal to care about anything she doesn't notice. She doesn't notice the smell, therefore she doesn't care. The sores she does seek medical attention for (but refuses to entertain the idea that bathing would help), but she always goes to the local clinic rather than her personal physician, so no one's seeing a pattern here. She had a MRSA that lasted months a couple of years back, but refused to admit that her own poor hygiene was the reason. Today she faked another bath. She got wet, but no soap, no shampoo. She knows she's doing this, but knows that we're less likely to hassle her if she fakes it. She knows that I'm rarely up to the full out, "I KNOW you faked it, you must bathe!" fight.

I'm considering calling her physician. She hasn't had a pelvic for years (despite my frequent barking about it). Perhaps I can convince her doctor to talk to her about this? She's always caved to the dictates of male medical professionals (she was an RN until just this past spring), so perhaps her doctor can get through where we can't.

My husband and I are moving out of state in a few months. This means that my sister will be stuck with this situation. I want to try to get things as "fixed" as they can be before we go.

I am also facing this serious problem. My Mom is 90 years old and has dementia, however she does well with carrying a conversation and pretty good with reasoning. Buttttt, the bath is a problem, she hasn't had one in months and the nausiating smell is killing me. She will wet herself at times and still won't bath. Her hair looks like a birds nest and she keeps wearing the same dirty clothes. I've begged her to bath, but she lies and says she has already bathed. We go round and round. It is a difficult problem and serious. Tough love is the only way. Good luck to you. I've told all my friends, if I ever get this way force me to bathe.

I too have been struggling with this problem with my 90 year old mom who has always been very careful about her hygeine.. but now does not "want to get wet" and "it's too cold" and "I'll do it tomorrow." She has a small bathroom, with a heater and I get the room REALLY toasty, warm the towels and set her up with somewhere she WANTS to go... out to eat, to get her hair done, ANYTHING she really wants to do! And even then, I have about 50/50 chance of success. Her Psychiatrist and her GP say once every two weeks is ok. And even then, it is a struggle!. And then, sometimes, she will look at me with a sly look and say "I KNOW what you are trying to get me to do... and it won't work!" and giggle. ARGH! When the kids were little, I could pick them up and put them in the tub... but what about Mama? I think I will take her to the Doctors visits without the bath at about 2 weeks... along with her incontinence... MAYBE they will see what we are trying to live with................(I do admit that we have not had the sores and MRSAs others mentioned... so this is mainly an inconvenience, embarrassment and discomfort on our part!) OR...... I HIGHLY recommend VICKS or Mentholatum--- Around the caregiver's nose! ;-) Aww, come on... I gotta laugh about something! ;-)

sometimes you have to laugh or you will CRY right... If she sits on a bathtub chair and you soap her up and rinse her off does that help??? Have you tried just saying Mom you do not smell good??? I know that this is hard. My Mother is EXTREMELY stubborn so I know that it is an issue... I pray she never fights me about bathing (knock wood ha ha ) so far she hasn't take care J

so sorry - but i will also ask for a sedative- im sure thats what they have t do at the homes. so far mom doesnt like it but hasnt fought me on it- call the docs, i just put my mom on nicotine patch cuz she was wanting to chain smoke cuz culd not remeber she just put one out- has had patch on for 2 days and has not asked for cig once-