What do I do if my mother wants to move in with me, not because she would be happy, but because I would take care of her?

Can she afford assisted living?

If she does move in I would make sure you know all the pitfalls you can come across (reading these boards- if you are new) and try to plan ahead.

Like who pays, sibbling help all the things that need to be addressed. Unless you are an only child and husband and family has no problem with it.
What will it do you your life. I take care of my mom and i'm very close and love her, but i still do get stressed and miss my life. Things to think about. Don't jump into decision. HUGS

Actually, I had picked her up from my brother's in January because she was absolutely depressed and panic stricken and would not have lasted more than a few days. She then stayed with me, husband and daughter but was a nervous and physical wreck. It caused major problems within my household and I was torn terribly between a teen that resented all the care that this requires and i've been doing it for severl years now, but it intensified when she was living with us. I just feel bad because I do know that it would be best for her, but not my daughter.... Me -- well that's the last thing, right/// ha

sosad2 What impact has this had on your husband? Am I to understand that she's already moved in? It sounds like your mother needs 24/7 care that a nursing home would provide.

I moved her out into her own condo as soon as I could find a place. It was sooo stressful. My husband is getting a little tired of it though, but he travels away from home 3 to 4 nights a week. She's more up and down, and she has her wits about her but just very very lonely

Sosad2, you know this will end badly if you bring Mom in. You have already had a trial run. You don't need our opinions to tell you that. Experience has told you.

Maybe you would like our permission to make other care arrangements for Mom. You have mine.

Is your mother being treated for anxiety? Is the anxiety a component of some broader diagnosis, such as bipolar disorder or dementia? How long has it been since she had a thorough geriatric evaluation? I really feel sorry for your mom. Having a mental disorder like anxiety is sad and hard and frightening. I hope that you can help her get this addressed. I hope you can help her find a setting where that can be monitored and minimized and where she can get the care she needs.

But you are wrong. You do not come last -- you need to take care of you. Your daughter needs you. Your husband deserves your attention. You are not (I assume) a mental health care worker. Your mother needs that. You have enough love to go around. What you would quickly lack if Mother moved in with you is enough energy and stamina and skill in dealing with the mentally ill.

Continue dispensing your love in all directions, including, please, to yourself. Limit your caregiving committments to what you can realistically handle without doing damage to the relationships critical to your well being, including that with your mother.

Best wishes as you struggle with this.

actually, i was thinking gee -- do i need confirmation of what i'm doing or permission, weird...jeangibbs, yes, it is very sad and we're going to psychiatrist right now, this has been a wow,,,, thank you so very much

sosad: You are right, you do not need permission or validation. But I know what you are feeling. The world judges harshly those of us who step up to the plate to help our loved ones then expects us to do it forever, even if it means sacrificing our own health and family life. I have yet to find anyone, outside of this site or other caregivers that I know, who understands how unbelievably hard this job is. We are really taking on the work of a team of people and others will let you go right on doing it until, as you said, you become ill.
Follow your instincts. Your Mom really does need specialized medical care in a safe environment.
Good luck finding the right placement and getting back your peace of mind.

yes, peace is what i long for.... no one understands unless you're in it. and oh, how those people tend to minimize things. it's 7:00 pm and i still need to finish my work day after going to dr. appt. and getting meds, etc. just lovely.

While my parents at 90 & 92 are still living independently - Thank God! I know that some time soon that will change. Mom has mobility issues and macular degeneration, Dad much better. But frankly, I have already made the decision that neither will come to live with us. I'm an only child, but also know my family's & my personalities well enough to know the strain on all would be too much! I'm fortunate not to have anyone else to make me feel guilty about this decision, my husband supports it too, but in the long run I feel I can provide better care for them if I take care of myself!

Thank you all for your input. The strain is alot,,,, yes and while I'd like to say congrats for your parents at 90 and 92, i know that you probably have your hands full. It's a wow....