Should we get mom to sell and move closer to us or should we move back home?

Don't move home...it could be a really big mistake...I made that one and even though we pay all the bills she thinks she is still the boss of her home..it was not paid for as many think it was(a whole different string)...but anyway...it is harder for elders to make changes in their lives..it seems to be almost impossible for some...it is out of their comfort zone and they will not budge. But, you will resent it if you make changes for her and it effects your life in negative ways..and it probably will...be careful.

I'll give you some advice assuming that your Mom is in good health and not terminal...Of course your mom wants you to move closer to her; it's the easiest thing for her even though it's probably terribly unrealistic. If you're working, have kids or even kids who live near you - do not move to where your mother is living unless you can get jobs that provide the same or better standard of living. You must consider the long term financial impact to you and your spouse as well as the emotional toll. Do not sacrifice the loving relationships that you WANT to outlast your mother. Stuck makes an excellent point that she'll expect to be the "boss" in her home. Do all you can to avoid moving her until there are no options left. Hire someone to go in a few days a week. Ask someone to take her to church regularily. Investigate moving her to assisted living in her own community, especially if she's got friends who live there already.

Just because YOU perceive an easier life for her near you, doesn't mean she will think its easier. The unfamiliarity of new surroundings, a new town, new climate - will all be huge changes for her.

Also remember that she might be approaching the point where nothing makes her happy. My mom finds something to complain about daily. It used to be that there was no company, then the food, then the laundry - even then I brought it all home for her. Sometimes there is nothing that will make them content ever again. It's because they long for a time when they were in control, when they had loved ones around and they were capable of doing as they pleased.

If your Mom has a terminal illness or alzhiemers then DO move her to a place where they can meet her needs for the long term. Spend as much time as you can with her.

Well said....it is all so true!!!

Thanks so much . . . this all really helps. It's hard, but I believe it may be doable within a year or two and I am looking into every angle/option. She said "No" to selling & moving to my brother basically, because he was the one sort of telling her this is what we need to do. She felt rushed and told me this rather than telling my brother. I know she'd probably rather be with me anyway, we get along well and are closer than her and my brother and his wife. What I find sort of frustrating to me, is that my mother has no hobbies, not a one. Her house has a very unusable yard, so she can't even get outside to watch the birds. Just one reason I would love to see her sell and move where I am so she has a nice little patio area . . . . I realize she would be better off in her own home with my disabled brother that lives with her. He would be another factor in all this, I would not only have her, but him as well. so if they can both live in their own home, I could have my own place close by so everyone is happy with their own space and independence. If mom had hobbies, it would be such a blessing. I'm just the opposite of her and love to do arts and crafts, I can't sit still like my father. She does not attend church, she has very few if any friends -- she lives in a way like a hermit. I guess she has enough companionship with my brother there. So, if I were to move into their home which I could not, I would probably go crazy. I can't live in that environment, but living close by I could. Mom is easy to get along with, but I also have to think of my own life as well. I think that is the hard part, balancing your own life and helping aging parents and siblings. it's no easy task, but there are ways to simplify and make things more comfortable. right now, I live many states away, so I only have visitation with her by phone, and that is about 3-5 times a week and we catch up that way. I hear what's going on at the house and in their life, but that's still not like being there in person and seeing what's going on. sometimes they can paint a pretty picture so as not to worry us. Anyway, there is no urgency to make any move at all and that's fortunate for all of us, but I just want to do what's right and comfortable for all of us so as to n ot have any regrets. I want to help my mother, but my own health concerns are surfacing and it's not so easy. My mom will not hire anyone to come in to clean, so I would have to make sure if I move back there to her town, I would need her to agree to hire someone, we could do this together, so that the burden of cleaninng the house doesn't feel like it falls on my shoulders. I know mom does not expect me to clean, but knowing me, i would feel obligated to h elp in every way. So, I would have to learn how to balance things and make sure I am not carrying too much of a load that I can't carry. I would also have my own responsibilities and home to care for. I really appreciate your comments and advice very much -- it greatly helps me and will help me when we make the big decision together. Thanks again. I'll keep you posted of what transpires . . . . have a good week.

You all gave very good advice,especially how the eldery dont like change. My mom is with me and I thought I could handle it,I cant!! She sits around and ask about my other 2 siblings who did nothing for her when she was home alone with no prepared food. She keeps saying she needs to go check on her house(that she does not own)big mess with that,and I did not think she was ready for an assisted living home. She has dementia and she is 81 but still trys to do all she can to hold on to her independence,which usually is a financial mess. I love her but I am tired and dont want to feel I am giving up but I have no car,no support and not much money,I have to go to work. I wish you luck with your decision because man caring for the eldery is harder than anyone can ever know,except those of us that are trying

AVIE:

Stability, a sense of independence, and a place of your own to call home would have to be sacrificed if you choose to move back. Your mom would have to do the same if she moved in with you. Frankly, she's just slowing down with age and you're afraid she won't be able to care for herself. Believe me, if she'll holler if she really needs you. In the meantime, don't allow your emotions to cloud your judgement. No doubt you love her very much, but if you don't keep yourself together you'll be of no use to her when the time comes.

-- ED

Thank you Ed . . . I needed to hear this. There seems to be no real urgency for either of us to relocate, but I know the time is just around the corner when I get "that call" . . . It can be very mind boggling to say the least. They can be so stubborn! Appreciate your thoughts, this helps.

Avie

if u sell her house and moved her , she will whine and cry i wanna go home , im homesick waa waa every 5 mins ! then she will get mean and hateful and blame u for everything , ITS All your fault !!!
i brought dad here to stay with me , everytime he cries im homesick waaaaaaaaa . i end up drivin him back to fla and back to indiana . we were going backa nd forth for while , finaly i put my foot down and told him no more . im stayin home , u either stay here or u go to nursing home in fla . he knew he couldnt live alone . so now he s been here almost 2 yrs .
its rough , my mother in law , when she leaves her home she freaks out and is ready to go back home in an hr ! she wil bug the crap outta ya till u give in and take her back home .
theres no easy way out . just gota fight it and work it out .
i wouldnt want my kids to sell my home ! id die and come back and haunt thier a## ! lol

I would look into assisted living in your area for your mother and brother, many places have waiting lists so it's good that you're planning ahead (check with your housing authority, area on aging, disabled services). Maybe you could suggest to her that she won't be around forever and it will be easier on your brother to already be comfortable and living closer to you and you'd be able to see them both more often. You'll eventually be selling her home and relocating your brother anyway, I'd look for the best options to fit their needs now that could carry forward into the future.
My mother in law is in an income based assisted living triplex, I consider it more independent living with pull cords in all the rooms in case help is needed and a maintenance/grounds keeper. Wish you the best!