My main problem is my emotional response to living with my mother and becoming her caregiver. It seems I'm frustrated ALL the time. How do I take better care of me?

I understand completely. I don't want to be cranky but each time I say I won't I am cranky again. I feel terrible. I am the person that wrote is it time for a nursing home. If my husband and I are to have a halfway normal life I have to make a decision because there is no time for us.

When I retired that same month my Mom broke her hip and had a stroke. That was 3 years ago and I think that I cannot handle it anymore.

Unlike a job you don't end at 5 oclock and have saturday and
sunday off. Good luck and prays to you. You are not alone.

Barbara

You are not alone, and you shouldn't feel guilty for being overwhelmed. My wife and I have just taken in my Mom and after only one month, it is really getting to my wife. She is as close to Mom as I am, but it is so hard to have someone at our home all the time. We have no kids so it's a huge change in our privacy level.

The best thing you can do is keep talking to each other. Find time to be alone - that is just as important as caring for your mom. See if you can get family counseling through your church or temple, or through senior services. See if there is anyone else in the family who can take care of mom, even for a weekend or a week. Look into senior day care services in your area, or even a senior activity center where mom could go a couple days a week. It would be good for her to get out of the house, too, and be around other people. I'm sure it's difficult for her to be so dependent, and if she's at all like my mom, she knows she's making things harder for you, and hates being a burden.

By all means, though, use this forum to vent, or any other people you can talk to about it. Make sure you and your spouse have some time away from mom, even if it's just going to the grocery together or sneaking away for an ice cream date. If you can manage a weekend away, do it. Most importantly, do not feel guilty for having these feelings. You are only human. Remember to take care of the caregivers as much as the patient.

We are all pulling for you and each other.

Casey

Hi Linda
I know exactly how you feel, and my 88 yr. old sister has only been with us for 18 months.....but living in the same house is a hardship, no matter how you look at it. I am getting more and more frustrated all the time with her obnoxiousness, even though I tell myself it's her disease and not her talking. It still doesn't help, and some days I just feel downright MEAN, as I do today. She was in church with me and it didn't matter. Thank God, our daughters baby sits on a weekend every other month for us, but even then my sister gives HER a problem, as she doesn't like it when we leave. Hang in there...you must get away from her, as often as possible. Support groups are very helpful, if only for an hour or two. Sometimes a new slant on things takes away a little frustration.

Take care and only one day at a time, which is what I try to tell myself every day!

Hi Linda
My mom is 88 and I live with her. I am having a hard time seeing her age and slow down and drop things and I have to repeat my self a number of times as she refuses to see a doctor about her hearing loss. I love her with all of my heart and never expected to feel this way about her. I find myself sad, depressed, anxious and just downright unhappy because I cannot leave her now. Even when I leave the home I am anxious because I know I have to return to the same situation which will not change. I am in counseling but at this time it does not help. I have 3 brothers and one sister and no one ever calls to see how she is because I am here. I am blessed in a way because she is healthy but aging and it is hard to watch. I do pray a lot for strength because I sure need it. I feel like I am losing daily my best friend.
Take care

You have to get away . You can't stay with her 24/7. Try to set a time every week for you . I hope you have help and someone to come watch your mom while you are away. That is the only way to stay sane.

My mom lost my stepdad a few months ago. We moved her from Indiana to Montana and I do relate. My mom is only 65 and yes, she is a help in many ways. But she does not drive and so I drop her off at the senior center while I go to work. Honestly, I think my mom should eventually get a place in town where she can take the bus (and I can still help her). Her and I have talked a bit about it but I am not led to tell her to move at this point (she would make enough to pay rent, and we could help). My mom probably has another 15 to 20 years before she needs help with living, so I get anger/resentfulness at times. My husband and I get no time alone now. I think my mom is afraid of living alone. Anyhow, I do love my mom and cannot imagine how hard it would be if she had Alzheimer's or something where she would be angry and forgetful of who I am. I am praying. May the Lord bless you, and yes, get away when you can. You cannot be super woman or super man. It's hard no matter how we look at it. Hope things are working okay for you. I was wondering if some of the anger i felt was normal. I believe in helping family out, just never expected at 41 to have my mom live with me the rest of my life!

It has given me relief that I am not the only person out there that feels this way. I too am frusterated ALOT of the time. When I get frusterated, then I get short and mean, then comes the guilt afterwards. It seems to be a never ending cycle. Just as mentioned above, it is a hardship to have someone live with you. The little things make me crazy. I know my father who lives with us does not do it on purpose but there are days I end up in tears so angry and frusterated that I just want to run away. There are days that if have to repeat one more thing or watch my dad alk with food in his mouth.....uugghhh I am going to pull out all my hair. It is so hard to even have these types of conversations with people that don't have the same living arrangements and day to day responsbilities in taking care of their parents. I find that I can't express my frusterations to anyone and when you do you sound like a terrible person. I too have went to counseling because I have no one to vent to and my emotional response to all of this has me depressed and I experience panic attacks. Getting away helps for the time you are away. But as posted above, it is all still waiting there for you when you get back. I just spent a week on vacation and within 4 hours of being home, every ounce of relaxation I got from being away was quickly wiped away with reality. There are good days and then there are bad days. I just pray for more good than bad and realize there are caregivers out there that make my job look like a walk in the park. God bless you all !

You could have live-in care. With live-in care, a qualified medical professional will come to your house and take care of your mother's needs for however many hours you wish.

Hope it all works out no matter what you decide.
Best,
jackie.

Know how you feel!!!!!! 3 1/2 years and counting. I hire help and am very lucky that we sold mom's house to pay for her keep. You need to get away no matter what!!! Call Senior Services and see what help she qualifies for. You can get a social worker from the hospital and Visiting Nurse will come out whenever she has had a change in her medical condition. Mom fell at Christmas and we had OT,PT Visiting Nurse and a home health aide for months ! NO CHARGE!!! That was the best part. We saved so much money. Lots of programs will be refunded as of January when the new year starts. Get on the list in your county!
another Linda

I actually had a harder time the first month, year, few years, several years (now topping 7.5) than I do now. I noticed I get most annoyed when she could do something yesterday, and now can't. For instance, it's harder when she forgets to put on Poise pads and her underwear (and I catch it later, unforunately), than if I just assume she'll screw it up and stand over her...and do underwear checks occasionally.

I'm long gone with being annoyed that she can't use the remote control, but there were months when I kept explaining it, getting a simplified one, trying to have her keep track of it. explaining what UP arrow meant and what "Vol" meant. She just can't do it so I do it, and forget about trying to make her relearn it. Repeat this a dozen times a day. Some things I still expect her to know, others I've surrendered. Eventually I'll have to totally dress her, but now get annoyed if the she puts her bra on upside down.

Luckily the house is large enough so I can have my computer in kitchen den area, and she can watch tv and have her bedroom far away. The most agonizing part of this all these years was when at first she used to sit right beside me as I worked at the computer, trying to do crossword puzzles....nonstop humming and grunting. Now it's 7 months of the Habanera from Carmen...and she totally denies grunting almost every waking moment (thank goodness, it's lessening recently.) "Never, I never grunt!" ALWAYS ALWAYS grunting. "grunt grunt No I don't grunt grunt grunt."