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How do I convince my dad that his children cannot quit their jobs to care for him?

Asked by gmbyacht | Jun 19, 2010

Dad is depressed but still very bright. He appears weak and complains-although Dr's. cannot find anything "wrong" with him. He owns 2 condos in FL and just tried to move out of FL with my brother in AZ-he hated it and returned in 3 wks. to FL. Dad's plan 2 is to rotate his 4 kids fr. different states to come babysit him in FL. for months at a time. This is unreasonable. We have contacted local caretaker and friend of Dad who lives locally and is willing to come in several hrs. a day. Dad wants his kids to take care of him - we are going nowhere. His expectations are surreal. Any suggestions.

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LynnPO

Give a Hug

Jun 19, 2010

I went through the same thing with my mom. It was a shock since years before she insisted she never wanted to live with me. She didn't understand until I created a spreadsheet to quantify just how much money I'd loose each year if I moved to her home to care for her. Now I'm not a miser, I'm not selfish. I want to help her, I want to care for her but to do what she wanted meant that I would sacrifice my long term financial stability and not have money in my old age. Since she realized this, she has not made the request again. She does say "I'd like to go home." but this different from "Take me home".

There is no way to avoid disappointing your father if he persists with this request. I'd suggest that you sit down with siblings and each talk about what's possible - what CAN you do to help your dad. Then rule out the things that WILL NOT work due to money, personalities, etc... Then all of you talk with your Dad at the same time or select the sibling that he trusts the most to discuss it. It will not be comfortable but it's something you must do.

It sounds like he doesn't want to be alone and wants to live in familiar surroundings - who doesn't? So - that said, you can make regular trips there. If possible, get him to move into an assisted living apartment where meals are served in mass. He can still keep his own car, participate as he pleases and get help when necessary. Tell him you'll go down to help him select one, move etc...
This is a really difficult situation and one where there's a risk that he'll get angry and be hurt. Expect that and keep telling him you love him. Go visit even if he tells you to stay away. I've seen people like this withdraw and then become vulnerable to manipulative jerks who just want money or belongings - isn't that our worst fear for our parents Ugh.... anyway.. best of luck and don't hesitate to ask more questions here. You'll get good advice from people who've been through all kinds of situations.

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gmbyacht

Give a Hug

Jun 19, 2010

FROM: ORIGINAL POST: Thank you for your support (from the ?) - there is always more than meets the quick blurbs here. My Dad is stuboorn and not only wants my siblings and me to travel 2K miles round-trip, quit our jobs, to look after him, and leave their own family's behind. And he "ain't goin to no assisted living".--He has 2 beautiful immaculate oceanfront condos in FL. I think that all siblings must get together and figure out that we basically cannot accomodate his ridiculous needs and we will help him make "other Plans". Thank you for your sugestions. Are we being selfish, or is he? I have reasons to believe my unemployed brother is living off him now that Dad has hit bottom, but does not REALLY want the responsibility. --that is why he planted him in another brother's home in AZ. --which did not work out. p.s. Dad has plenty of money..

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