How do we know if it's best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home?

I'm having the same issue with my Dad, problem is he has dementia.
1. can you communicate with your father-in-law? does he understand your conversation?
2. Very few people pass away at home, usually in a hospital.If he is afraid he might be alone at his passing,gather the nurses that are
in charge of his care, with him and make sure every one knows they are to call you/husband at any sign your father-in-law is
declining. Do it in front of him to reassure him he will not be alone.
3.You and your husband need to talk about the impact it will have
on both of you. Coming home after work, tired and taking care of your father-in-law.
We brought our Dad home from the nursing home, it lasted 3 weeks, putting him back in the nursing home was devastating to
him and us. It has been very hard on usand our Mom.
Of course, dad has dementia and does not understand anything.
And does not remember 5 minutes anything you tell him.

I hope i have helped and have not added more burden. It is very
hard knowing the right thing to do. I would first try to reassure him that you will be with him at the end no matter where he is.
And most likely in a hospital and not at home. You & your husband are not doctors/nurses and can not give him the care he needs at that time, to make him comfortable.

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Shelly, I would say to sit down with your husband and take a good look at yourselves and your physical and emotional resources. You can only do so much. You need to keep yourselves sane and healthy so that you can properly care for your father-in-law. This has been the lesson I have learned over the past several years looking out for and caring for my elderly parents. What they want for themselves is not always the best solution for the adult child caring for them. I have had to be able to tolerate being the "villain" a few times, when I did what I truly thought was best for Mom and Dad. (I am an only child.) In the cases of these difficult decisions, in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing and my conscience is clear before God (who is my only real judge). If you could find a very nice, comfortable, clean nursing home, then you could "care from afar" for your father-in-law, and still give yourselves the space you need. On the other hand, if your father-in-law has a personality type and physical needs which would not place an undue burden on you and your husband, you could have him live with you. My father has dementia and can become combative, so that became the factor which necessitated that he not with my husband and me.
Good luck to you!

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All of the above is great advice. So, I am going to ask my typical questions of do you or your husband have both medical POA and durable POA for your father in law?

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If he is in a nursing home I would leave him there. People with dementia can be very difficult to handle. If you were to have him at home with you, and if you work, then you would have to incur the expense of a sitter. Sometimes what seems like a good idea turns into disaster. I know. I've been down that road more than once.

Since he has Parkinsons he knows whats going on I am sure Which makes it harder for you to put him in a home. My mom as Alzheimers so she would not care either way . But her nurse told me that if I had put her in a home she would not be here now. There is no way a person in a home can get the love they need . But in many causes family caretakers can not provide the health needs of there love one. You need to have a talk with your husband and your dad. Do what is best for you and your husband and hopefully you will figure out what is best for your dad. Ask his doc. and his nurse . They will give you the facts. Good luck.

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