What should my husband and I expect when we move into my in-law's home?

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You can look forward to being a caregiver for your in-laws !
Good luck to you.

It depends on your in-laws and your relationship with them. My sister in law and brother in law has tried this and it was hell.

-How big is the house -- will there be a place you can go for peace and solitude?
-Will your comings & goings disturb the older folks?
-What financial contributions and time commitments are you two expecting to --or being expected to -- make to care for the senors?
-Are there siblings; are they ok with the decision to have you two live in what will eventually be part of their inheritance?

The outcome of your decision depends on your in-laws' states of mental health and physical dependency and the square footage of the house!

My husband and I moved from the East coast to the West coast to move in with and take care of my in-laws. It has been an adjustment. Neither could take care of themselves or be left alone for any length of time. They are in a two-bedroom condo with not a lot of space for privacy - and we need to leave our bedroom door open a crack to keep an ear open should anything happen during the night...which put a strain on our marriage. Basically, this was my first exposure to my inlaws, and for them to me...so my mother-in-law hovered a lot - especially when I was cooking meals. She was used to one way of doing things for the twenty some-odd years they had lived on the west coast away from family.

Last year my mother-in-law passed away, so it is now just my father-in-law...who is mostly deaf, can no longer walk even a foot without a walker. It is more stressful as he turns the TV up to 20 to listen - and refuses to get hearing aids...says he has no hearing problem...we listen to the TV usually at 9, so now my husband is a candidate for hearing aids! His hearing was terrific before we moved here!

These are a few of the things we've run into. It has not been easy, but my inlaws deserve to live out the rest of their lives in dignity in their own home.

My best suggestion is to visit, scope out the situation first, then determine what ground rules you are able to set...and whether you can cope with the rest...before you make the move. This is a major move under the best of circumstances, so it is wise to be prepared.

My mom came to live with us 4 years ago, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband has been a saint, but it is wearing thin on him now. What ever you expect, triple it and then maybe it might be just close to what it will be like. It is not an issue of love. It is an issue of freedom, no privacy, and lack of help from the rest of the family. Believe me when I tell you, those from whom you would least expect bad behavior, will be the ones who run like rats off a sinking ship!!! My brother lives 37 miles away and won't come see her unless he is invited and gets a free meal. In 5 months, he has seen her twice. Both these times have been special occasions.

If you can place them somewhere else where they have help, independence and dignity, do it!!!!!!!!

I wish I had done it. I love my mom, but I can't even get her out of her chair since she is so disabled. She just doesn't understand that it is hard on me and that I am not getting any younger!! Good luck.

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