Needing to vent

Hi Roxie.

I have been there many times, and so have many others on this site. Truly being aware of what you are seeing when someone you love decline if impossible to describe to anyone who does not see it. That goes for friends, family and many times even spouses....You are special because you truly see and you truly care.

You have come to the right place - at least we all understand, and can reach out when we have some time.... 24/7 is very hard, what I have learned is to make the best of what there is in each day. I sometimes feel that a caregivers life is like the lead character in the movie "Life is Beautiful" with Robert Bennini. - If you haven't seen it, you may enjoy it, as it shows how humour can help cope with anything.

That said, the toll shouldering the burden takes can be very hard. Harder still if there are others who could help you but just dont *get it*. The best advice I can give you about your fear of losing control is to let go - breathe - cry - breath again. You will feel better if you release the tension rather than trying to control how you feel.

stay on this board and ask as many questions as you want - vent as much as you want - say what no one else wants to hear. I know lots of people will respond - so I'll just say - welcome - you've found a safe place to talk.

take care and be kind to yourself.

Roxie,
I can so relate to your situation! I have been caring for my mother since a health crisis debilitated her about 4 years ago. It seems that she , too, declines every day. I fell obligated to care for my mother as long as I physically can

Thank you so much for your advice and comments. This means so much to me. Well yesterday I had a melt-down day. I cried and cried and cried. Today I feel so much better. I am ready to take the responsibilities on again. My mind is taking a fresh look at everything. Just knowing I am not alone with being a caregiver has helped so much. Even though I feel alone in my home and I am the one that does everything I still know there are people out there that has and is doing this now. They completely understand if I want to fall apart once in a while.
I have someplace to vent and talk with others that understand this is great!!!!
Thanks again. I will be back maybe to help someone else if not just to vent again.
Thanks

I think my message was cut off! Even though I feel obligated to care for my mother until her death, that doesn't mean that I am always positive and upbeat about it. I'm afraid that the day to day crisises often get me down,too! I spend a lot of time in my back yard crying where no one will see me. I think the important thing is that even though we get down, we get back up and continue the fight. And I know that when this time is over, we will all be glad that we stuck it out. I know that I will have no regrets in caring for my mom. I know some others who will never be able to say that. Hang in there!

As I said before I cried all day yesterday but of course it was alone in my back yard and on the front porch. I understand now there will be days that will be good and days that will not. Like this evening so was doing great then all of sudden she wasn't. That is how it goes. Not saying I will not have another bad day in a few but for right now I can handle what is thrown at me. It is because of you guys. I am so glad I found this site.

I hear that. It is amazing how things can go from good to really bad in such a short time! This may sound terrible, but is anyone else as tired of bowel functions and pills as I am? They are my mother's main concern in her life. I get so tired of talking about poop:) What really gets to me is when someone (anyone really) calls on the house phone and I hear my mother telling them about her bowel troubles. It seems like I can handle the major health issues, it is the little day to day stuff that just wears me down. I am so glad to have found people who understand the stressors!

Thanks Roxie & brendalou for sharing what you are going thru. The same here, no one else to help out. Find myself getting short tempered at the least little thing and no way to get away for a few hours to sort out my feelings. The dementia my husband has is harder to to handle than the Parkinson's. Do you find yourself being treated as a paid (not) servant or Secretary, How do you handle the resentment of being in this situation, I am not ready to curl up and die but will persevere because of our love. Just hurts so damn much,

I have to agree it does hurt right down to the core of the soul. The resentment will turn in time. I felt the same way with my mother before. Not saying it will not happen again. But to be able to come to this site and vent makes me feel so much better. I have people that understand what I am going through.
At times I feel like a slave to everyone in the house.
Do you have a homemaker to come into the home to give you so relief? If nothing else go outside and just walk around the yard.
The stress seems unbearable at times. I seem to resent anyone that has the freedom to jump in the car and go anywhere they want at any time. I can not do that but my husband and my daughter can. I know they do not completely understand my feelings. I do take it out on them at times when I shouldn't.
I have left the room before because I resented my mother for being sick, then I look at her and think to myself it is not her fault. If she could she would make it all better for herself. She does not want to be in this shape either. Then I start feeling guilty for even thinking bad things. It is a catch 22 at times.
Just hang in there.
We are here for you.

Ladies,
You are so right! It is so easy to feel resentment toward your family and the person you care for. which of course is immediately followed by guilt. The never ending cycle! I often find myself especially angry at my older brother. He can be a great help to me in medical issues because he is a physician, but that sometimes is a hindearance because he can't accept our mother's failing health. What drives me nuts is that he travels extensively (at least 7-10 days a month), while I feel guilt taking a 5 day respite once a year. Then he will stop by my house at 7:00 on sunday night and say "take off, I'll stay with Mom." Great~ another trip to Wal-Mart!
As far as feeling like a servant, Yeah! I often refer to myseld as an endentured servant or a serf on the manor! I have dealt with that by taking care of all my mother's business on my terms. I have power of attorney and I don't consult anyone except her financial advisor. I also take care of me. lunch and an afternoo movie can get me through a really long week. The thing that keeps me going is that feeling of having no regrets when the long goodbye is said!

Back a couple of post. I am sick of bowel funcitons also. My mother went into the hospital in May for diarrhea, her potassium bottomed out. She was in there for 10 days then came home for 36 hours and returned for 7 days because the diarrhea would not stop. Ever since that is all we discuss.
When my mother goes to the bathroom I do not always catch her to see if her bowels move. One day her bowels moved three time really good, but when you ask her they have not moved for a month.
She can not even remember her bowels moving, so I have to go to the bathroom with her to see if they move or not. Now I am tired of checking, but I need to since she is having trouble with them.
Talking about pills my mother if I leave the pill box out she will take every pill in the box. I have started hiding it from her. Then that is all I hear. "Have I taken my pills today?" "yes you have." and "My bowels have not moved in a month." "They moved this morning."
That is our conversation during the day.

I can really relate to all this as I am the caregiver 24/7 for my brother-in-law who has Dementia. He was diagnosed about a year ago and has been living with me and my husband for the last 6 months. We have a full day of did I take my pills, yes, and and hour later, did I take my pills and so on. His memory has declined so badly in the past few months. We have the same conversations over and over all day long. I too feel alot of resentment that I keep bottled up inside of me. He is my husbands brother and has 2 other brothers, and 3 grown children but I knew that I would be the one to take care of him. Even though he and I were very good friends once he now hates me because I am the one that gets to be the bad guy all the time. His dementia was caused because of alcohol and he still wants to drink but he cant so he hates me because I wont let him. I get upset when I hear about his kids going here or going there and doing this or that and I have to make plans just to go to Wal-Mart. I also spend alot of time in the backyard crying. Sometimes I feel like there is no one else in the world that understands what I am going through and then I found this site and it is like a life saver for me. I have read alot of the postings on here and its like I am reading my own thoughts. I just found this site yesterday but I already feel like I have found a second home to escape to.

I know what you mean this does feel like a second home... I am thinking of you every day. It must be so hard to take care of a brother-in-law. Especially when his children will not get involved. Just hang in there and maybe you should look for respite just to give yourself a break from everything. Today my husband actually let me take a nap and took care of my mother. It felt wonderful just to a little thing like that. I never realized how much I miss by being a caregiver. So the little things do help out. Talk with the kids and set up times for them to come and get their father be firm. If they will not help seek respite care. See if that helps you out some.

You are a good woman for taking care of your brother-in-law! I don't think I could go that far.I agree with roxie that you have to be firm with his kids. Remind them what will happen if you can no longer take care of THEIR father. I know that is easier said than done (lol) Roxie, I think you are right~ we really get into such a zone with caregiving that we forget there is a world out there. It becomes second nature to sacrifice our own lives! I am actually at the point that when I do have some time to myself, I don't know what to do! I also agree with the feeling of coming home to this site. It is the first thing I check in the morning and again whenever I have a chance. Stay strong ladies

Just checking in to see how all you ladies are doing?

Hangin in Roxie! We are at the hospital and today was a 14 hour day. How are things with you?
Brenda

Hi Roxie and Brenda, How are you all doing? We had a good day today. For a little while Johnny was like his old self. It was really good having him visit today. I wish he could have more good days but the more time goes on the fewer good days we have so I really cherish the ones that we do have. I'm still trying to reach his kids to find out if they are coming this weekend but I haven't heard anything yet, maybe tomorrow. If I have learned anything through all this, its to take one day at a time.
Brenda

Wow, it is so good to read your messages. Only recently I had my Dad move in with myself, hubby and 2 teenage kids. The lack of privacy is really killing me, he is so darn noisey I wanna hit him (not really). Is there a PC way to deal with these issues. My Dad has AD and his dog is here too which I really can't stand. My father seems to get totally defensive if we ask him to do anything, like, for instance, telling him that he needs to knock on the closed bathroom door not just try to walk in. I didn't think I was asking much but he got quite nasty and ranted his favorite phrase "Aren't you my daughther" which drives me off the deep end. We told him this only because he was trying the door when our 18yo daughter was in there bathing and I certainly don't want him walking in on her. He also did the same to our locked bedroom door (can you say great birth control)....just things that seem to be simple he makes a federal case out of and get me so riled up!!!!Thanks for listening or should I say reading....

Hello Ladies!
We are home from the hospital which i guess is a good thing. At least, it is easier being in my own home and not having to run back and forth. My mother is weak, but the dr's say there is nothing drastic going on, so I guess it is back to the same old routine. I hope things are going ok for all of you. Thanks again for all of your support.
brenda

Just thought I would see if everyone elses's Friday night is as exciting as mine! Fixed my mom's dinner, took her to the bathroom, got her ready for bed, back to the bathroom, put her to bed. The excitement never ends (LOL) Hope all is well.
Brendalou

Hello Ladies,
Brendalou, I am so glad your mother is home with you. It is easier if they are with you.
Bwthrs, I am glad you got to visit with your old friend. It is nice to have them come back once in a while so you can remember who they really are. When my mother does this we have the greatest time. Which the times are fewer and further apart.
I see everyone is still hangin' in there. We had an exciting last couple of days. My mother woke up thursday morning about 4:00am with diarrhea. It was everywhere on her, the floor, the bed etc. I was trying to get everything together to clean and had ask her to take off her gown. She took off her diaper instead. The diarrhea was everywhere then. I didn't lose my cool too much. I was very proud of myself. Then only thing is I had to give her a shower at 5:00 am to clean her up it was from head to foot. I finally got done at 7:00 am and turned everything over to the homemaker. That felt good to get out after that.
Also she has been on a new kind of medication. We had to take her off of it. She was getting more confused, her tongue was protruding, she was so weak so could not do anything, so anxious and could not sit still. In 24 hours she completely turned around. Amazing what a little pill can do to a person. My mother is going to the bathroom every 10 minutes it is about to drive me crazy.
Since I have found this site I feel so much better talking with you ladies, you help me very much each and every day. Thanks again for listening or I guess reading and replying it does help.

Hi ladies, I'm so glad to hear that your mother is home from the hospital Brenda, I know everytime Johnny goes to the hospital I think, ok Im going to stay home this time and get some much needed rest but it never works out that way.
The doctor has put Johnny on a new pill. Its Ativan, he started taking it yesterday and it seems to be working. Johnny even thanked me for his super last night. I was so surprised and happy about it. The doctor called it a happy pill, now I know why. The doctor said that it should help him being so mean to me and it seems to be working. So far so good.
Roxie what was the new pill that your mother was on. Sorry to hear about the diarrhea, that alone can make you feel so agitated, but you sound like you handle it very well. You sound like you are a really good person.
I know what you mean about this site, I get online and check here first thing every morning before I do anything else. It helps me get through the day.
I talked to Johnny's daughter last night and told her that I needed some help with her dad, she said she knew but she was really busy right now, I told her that I am with him 24/7, I could really tell her about being busy. Anyway she said she had to go and she would call me right back, that was yesterday evening and now its the next morning, I'm still waiting on her to call me right back. Whats the odds she doesn't call me back. Oh well. I knew she wouldn't.
Well I have drank my coffee and I have to get a shower and start a whole new day. Talk to you all later.
God bless ya'll
bwthrs

Hi Roxie-
thanks for what you wrote about your mother. My mother has diverticulitis so we go through that frequently, with the exception of having a homeworker & it is strangely comforting to actually read the same experiences but into writing by someone else. I had to cancel a respite break yesterday to come back home & take care of it.

just tired

Hi Ladies!
Isn't is funny how comforting it is to talk about diarreah? I guess it is just a part of life! Roxie, I understand the frustration of dealing with that in the middle of the night. We went through that a few years ago. It actually turned out the the heart medication (Quinidine) that the drs put my mom on was causing not just diarreah but loss of balance and mental acuity! (They put her on that drup after the last medication (Cordorone) cause pulmonary fibrosis in her lungs.) She ended up in the hospital for 4 months after taking Quinidine! She spent 10 days in ICU and months in the extended care trying to get strong enough to come home. We qctually ended up having to put in a feeding tube. We were able to remove that pretty quickly when she regained her strength. I say all this to encourage everyone to REALLY keep a close eye on medications and their side effects. Many meds have a stronger effect on elderly people and drs are not always forthcoming or knowledgeable about the side effects. Roxie, can your mother take lomotil? That really helps when my mom has diarreah. bwthrs- I'm sorry to hear that your niece is being so uncooperative about helping with her dad. Would it help for your husband to talk to her? It is so frustrating when "adult" children refuse to take on any responsibility or acknowledge that a parent or grandparent needs help. I know that we are all tired, but it is so great to have online friends who understand how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to care for a loved one. Thank you all for being there!
Brenda

Wow Brenda - you have such a wealth of knowledge

Taking it in good humour, I'd like to clarify my earlier post It is not the-talking about diaharrea that is comforting, seeing that others share the same experience is. In my social and professional life I must pretend everything is ok & not a problem; to colleagues, 99.9% of my friends and neighbors. None of them are aware that my newfound "free spirited" lateness is due to last minute caregiving which includes poop emergencies. It is wearing because I love my mom, and wearing on my spirit to have to cancel with no notice, or come in late for things.
I posted my comment because I hoped I could join in the conversation and this group.

not looking for sympathy, just a chance to connect and join the club

Happy Saturday to everybody!

Hi Ct,
I know what you mean about sharing experiences