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I'd ask for clarification on what they mean by " she is no longer responding to the structure of that area."

You didn't really explain why your worried about the move. Why do you feel she s ...Read More

I'd ask for clarification on what they mean by " she is no longer responding to the structure of that area."

You didn't really explain why your worried about the move. Why do you feel she should remain in her current location and why would a regular unit not be good for her?

To qualify my opinion - I used to work as an RN in an elder care facility that also had a separate Alzheimer's Unit. (I didn't work in that unit, but would sit in on care manager meetings....)

Perhaps you mom is no longer responding to any specialized stimulation and activities and is also no longer able to wander off. That often happens in the later stages of the disease. In that case, she may no longer have a need to be in the AU and can be moved into the "general population" of the nursing facility, without it being to her disadvantage. In fact, it may be cheaper for her to be on a regular unit. (I suppose, that only matters if she or the family pay for her care.)

If you ask them, some pharmacies will pre-package your mom's meds in blister packs - the way some OTC meds are packaged. (Ex: They'll put all the AM meds in one "bubble," for each day. The lunch meds ...Read More

If you ask them, some pharmacies will pre-package your mom's meds in blister packs - the way some OTC meds are packaged. (Ex: They'll put all the AM meds in one "bubble," for each day. The lunch meds in another...etc.) They'll set them up correctly and you BOTH can keep better track of the situation.

That's a tough subject.

My FIL has a lot of stuff at his house. Once he is either moved to a NH or has died, we will have to go through all of his remaining belongings. I fear that this will cause strife.
 ...Read More

That's a tough subject.

My FIL has a lot of stuff at his house. Once he is either moved to a NH or has died, we will have to go through all of his remaining belongings. I fear that this will cause strife.

He has already been offering items to family members, but we are hesitant to accept them, since he may have also offered them to others in the past, who may insist on claiming them. EX: My FIL offered me some earrings that belonged to my departed MIL, but I decided to wait. Later, I mentioned this to my DH's sister, who then insisted that her father had promised them to her, years ago.

My FIL has dementia and and only his house and financial holdings are mentioned/divided in his will. Heirlooms and "antiques" are not listed specifically. While my FIL has no problems with discussions about this (or death/dying) - my DH and his siblings, as well as one of the spouses do not feel comfortable talking about this with him.

I can imagine that there will be fights over certain items.

Hopefully some of you won't have this much trouble.....

I agree with most of the comments here. If your family does not claim items within a timely manner and you have gone through them yourself to choose a few things, call a local charity that accepts donations and have them pick up the leftovers.

Thanks for the hug :)

As you suggested, I already have offered to do more, but those things did cause problems.

First off, I am "only an in-law." Anytime there is a discussion is ...Read More

Thanks for the hug :)

As you suggested, I already have offered to do more, but those things did cause problems.

First off, I am "only an in-law." Anytime there is a discussion is in need or a decision is to be made, I get no voice or vote. Even my husband has told me to "not cause any trouble."

Ironically, I may actually be more qualified to deal with my FIL's care. During the last 5 years of my nursing career, I was working in elder care. While I don't know everything, I do know my way around geriatrics.....

Quite a few of my suggestions have been nixed, since the family wanted "to look into alternatives" but never did, or "it wasn't time for that (fill in the blank) yet." An there there's the "we'll call you later to talk about this" and I end up looking like a nag because it gets "forgotten" and I have to make the re-connect.

Then, there is the dreaded family dynamics, as well as the different personalities.

My DH's brother is the eldest in the family. He and his wife are very dominant, competitive and aggressive personalities. While my DH's brother would rather only deal with the situation, on his time, his way and from a distance, his wife is the smothering type. She gets these crazy ideas in her head about what's best for my FIL and then nobody can stop her. She actually tried to "tutor" my FIL for the mini mental test, because he did so poorly on his eval and she figured he should "re-take it." I was trying to tell her that this was not a test one should study for, since it is a tool to figure out how much mental decline my FIL was afflicted with. She got her husband involved and my objection was nixed. They're more interested in saving face and my FIL not being embarrassed. (BTW, my FIL was not embarrassed at all. In fact, he didn't understand or care about the test results. That's dementia for ya!) And then there are money issues too.... While they seem to do ok, financially, I feel that they have taken advantage of my FIL and to some extend my DH and I. Money is being spend for things that either don't work or could be gotten cheaper, had they done a bit of research. We've noticed some "interesting accounting." Receipts for things disappear, are "forgotten" at their house or "lost" in my FIL's house.

My DH's sister is the second child. (Her hubby is often emotionally and physically "unavailable," in regards to my FIL's care. But he will participate in family dinners, especially when others pay the bill.) She's always been a bit "loopy" and "scatterbrained." She's had some mental, social and financial problems, though out her life. She was actually the one that VOLUNTEERED and INSISTED on being the contact person.... but when things get a bit "hot," she can't handle it. It's not like she "really has to do serious caregiving." She's responsible for groceries, med refills, doc visits (which are very routine, since my FIL has very few medical conditions) and to keep an eye on bills and paperwork arriving in the mail. (The professional caregivers put them in a hidden spot for her to go through. Most of my FIL's bills are automatically taken out of his accounts.) I know, you may think that doing all of these things are time consuming and such, but I've tried them out and there not. She lives pretty closely to Walmart and stopping by there is on her way to work and to my FIL's. There's a supermarket on that same route, plus another one a few blocks from my FIL's house. The same goes for my FIL's bank and pharmacy and his GP is less than 10 minutes from his house..... Yet she still can't seem to manage.

Every time a problems arises with her, she blames it on others.... yet we can't "take it away from her," since she as well as the rest of the family - except for me - insists that is "her share" of the care. She seldom contributes financially... In fact, we've been told and have noticed that she may take advantage of my FIL and us in regards to money.

My DH is the "baby" of the family. He seems to be my FIL's favorite child, since he's always been a "good and hard working kid." (My FIL's words.) He's pretty easy-going and hates conflict. His older brother used to and still does to an extend bully him.... and he often covers for his "troubled" sister. He knows that his brother and sister are taking advantage of my FIL or us, in financial matters, but he's hesitant in dealing with this.

For me, this is basically a "loose loose" situation. I often feel like I am kind of like a servant. I do the research, leg work and even physical labor, yet I don't have any sort of power when it counts.

I've figured out that the "you could/should do more" is about sending/spending even more money than we already do. It's also more about doing some serious physical (and often very dirty work,) like clearing the yard and cleaning out the basement, garage and attic. (Of course, we're not allowed to throw any "family heirlooms, antiques and stuff that could be worth some money" away, without family approval.)
Every summer and fall, my DH try to do some serious yard work. Each time my DH ends up renting a pickup truck, to haul at least 2 large loads of yard trash to the dump, 1 hour away. One of my DH's grown up nephews (who lives near my DH's brother) owns one of those big Dodge Utility pickup vehicles.... but we were told that he "has not time to help" or that we should bother him about using the truck. (My FIL just paid for a new large screen TV for this boy.... and does send money to him and the other grand, regularly. BTW, none of them help out or visit often.) My DH's brother may stop by to "get rid" of SOME of the recyclables; the "some" referring to things like glass and cans (and certain plastic) for which they do get a refund credit. Recyclables like paper products do not get a refund credit.... and therefore they stay behind.

Anyways.... I guess you can tell that I am really really really frustrated. Sorry for the long rant. ;)

I'm sorry to hear that the food is not what your mom was used to. It's tough when your stuck and you loose all joy in life.

Is your mom at least eating her breakfast and lunch? If yes, then ...Read More

I'm sorry to hear that the food is not what your mom was used to. It's tough when your stuck and you loose all joy in life.

Is your mom at least eating her breakfast and lunch? If yes, then I wouldn't worry so much about her not wanting dinner.... but will be ok with having only a snack of fruit or a shake. (Make sure the staff also has her drink a full 8 oz of water, with/after the shake. Otherwise, she may have harder stools or possibly some minor constipation.)

Well said... Anne!! :)

Now to my DH and I.....

Like I mentioned in the first posting of this tread, he and I live quite a ways away from my FIL. It takes us almost a day (14+ hours) of travel to reach his home. W ...Read More

Now to my DH and I.....

Like I mentioned in the first posting of this tread, he and I live quite a ways away from my FIL. It takes us almost a day (14+ hours) of travel to reach his home. We used to visit 2x a year for around 14 days (plus 2 days for travel,) each time, but since my FIL's needs have changed, we have increased our visits to 3x a year for 14-20 days each time. (My DH stays only 14 days each time, but I stay an 6 days.) Financially, this is a pretty big deal to us. Not only is air travel so expensive now... we also have to get a rental car and my DH has to take 2+ weeks of unpaid leave. (He gets 30 days paid leave, a year. Needless to say, we haven't taken a "real vacation" in 4 years.) Luckily, we do get to save on hotel bills, since we usually stay at my FIL's house. (Yep... at least that's "free" although we do pay for other things, in the end.)

During our time at my FIL's, we spend as much "personal time" with him as possible. That means, actually talking to him and doing activities - like going to the park, for a walk, a hair cut, out for people watching, etc.. with him. My DH's sister keeps mentioning how perky my FIL gets when he knows we are about to come for our visits, while he doesn't seem so excited when the rest of the family comes to see him. (The caregivers will also mention how much more alert he is shortly before we arrive, during the visit and until a few days after we have left.)

My DH will fix things around that house. My DH's brother and BIL may try, but it may not always work properly, or it's a waste of money! (Ex: They don't seem to check if it's something my FIL can actually use - like hand rails and grab bars at the wrong angle or place....) In the end, either my FIL pays for something or the family (is forced) to share the cost for something that's useless.

It's my DH and I who go through old papers and bills and sort and file them or shred and throw them away.

It's my DH and I who take him to various doctors to get checked up, address health issues and request refills..... My DH's sister always complains how she can't get appointments soon enough - especially if she has waited to long to get new refill orders for meds, although the caregiver has called her 2 weeks before running out - yet we seem to get fit into the schedule within a few days of calling the doctors office. (Ok... that may be a little bit due to the fact that we are more flexible as to day and time, but she does get a 2 week head start and still can't seem to manage, at times.)

It's also during out visits that my DH and I have to comb through phone books and the internet (remember we're living in the US and my FIL in Canada!) to search for stores and services. When I ask my DH's sister or brother to do the research for me before we get there... I get the typical answers of "if I find the time" or "maybe it's better if you look yourself, once you're up here." C'mon people!! In the end, it's either my DH or I that are left with it.

And after all of this - and more - my DH's sister and brother as well as their my DH's SIL complain that we're not doing enough to care for my FIL!!!!!

I'm sorry if this was a looooooooong story/rant. I hope my "verbal vomit" didn't bore, confuse or bother any of you... but I needed to let it out.

Thanks for listening. :)

My DH and I live in the north eastern US, while my 90 yo FIL - who suffers from dementia, possibly mini strokes, leg ulcers and edema- lives in western Canada. We used to see him twice a year - for ab ...Read More

My DH and I live in the north eastern US, while my 90 yo FIL - who suffers from dementia, possibly mini strokes, leg ulcers and edema- lives in western Canada. We used to see him twice a year - for about 14 days each time (not counting the 2 days travel) - until he got worse. Now, we see him 3x for about 20 days each time. The rest of the family complains that this is NOT ENOUGH. -----
I wouldn't have too much of a problem with this, if the rest of the family ( = my DH sister and brother and their spouses as well as 4 grown grandkids) were more involved in my FIL care themselves.

(continued.....)

Let me ask you this.... how far do the live from his home?

My DH and I live in the northeastern US, while my FIL lives in western Canada. My DH's brother and sister and their spouses live i ...Read More

Let me ask you this.... how far do the live from his home?

My DH and I live in the northeastern US, while my FIL lives in western Canada. My DH's brother and sister and their spouses live in my FIL's home province - one is only 30-45 minutes (by car or sky train) away and the other 4 hours by car or 30 minutes by commuter flight.

My DH and I used to fly out to see my FIL, twice a year for 14 days each time. (That's not including the 2 days for travel to and from!) When his condition worsened, we increased that to 3x a year for 20 days, each time. (My DH stays 14 days, but I stay the extra week.)

In any case, the family still thinks that's NOT ENOUGH!

And, yes... just in case you're wondering... we help pay for my FIL's care. In fact, we probably pay more than the others. (I may explain that some other time...)

Hey there
I just read one of your recent comments and thought it was right on as well as hilarious. You wrote: "ou can always use GUILT . 'It's the gift that keeps on giving.'..... I'm no good wi ...Read More

Hey there
I just read one of your recent comments and thought it was right on as well as hilarious. You wrote: "ou can always use GUILT . 'It's the gift that keeps on giving.'..... I'm no good with subtleties like playing the guilt card. I'm more of a "Get over here and see your father before he dies. You lazy, selfish, ungrateful person!" See? Now that, I understand :)"

I'm not very good at playing nicey-nice either. I hate having to manipulate and stroke people's egos just to get them to do their share.

My 90 yo FIL initially refused to have a professional caregiver help him. He didn't understand why he needed help and was in total denial. It took some serious talking to him - over a period of 2-3 mo ...Read More

My 90 yo FIL initially refused to have a professional caregiver help him. He didn't understand why he needed help and was in total denial. It took some serious talking to him - over a period of 2-3 month - until he got used to anybody coming to his house. Now he is fine with it, but won't openly admit it. He's still trying to tell his family that he can manage on his own.... but he no longer refuses the help from the professional caregiver.

Check your mom's contract with the facility she's in now. I used to work as an RN at a senior care campus (with independent, assisted living, nursing home and alzheimer's care) where the contract incl ...Read More

Check your mom's contract with the facility she's in now. I used to work as an RN at a senior care campus (with independent, assisted living, nursing home and alzheimer's care) where the contract included clauses for financial hardships.

Like ezcare and puzzles already mentioned, yes it's prossibly due to her recent health problems. Perhaps her brain/hearing was damaged and she's yelling because she can't hear herself as well as befor ...Read More

Like ezcare and puzzles already mentioned, yes it's prossibly due to her recent health problems. Perhaps her brain/hearing was damaged and she's yelling because she can't hear herself as well as before. She may have also suffered a kind of brain damage that alters behavior/personality.

Id suggest getting her some of those meal replacement drinks, like Ensure or Boost. While it isn't much "food" it may get her appetite and stomach awakened again. It also goes down easier that solid f ...Read More

Id suggest getting her some of those meal replacement drinks, like Ensure or Boost. While it isn't much "food" it may get her appetite and stomach awakened again. It also goes down easier that solid food.

Oh... I so understand the original writer of this tread!!

There are many times where I want to ask questions or simply vent, but my thoughts are racing and I fear coming across as incoheren ...Read More

Oh... I so understand the original writer of this tread!!

There are many times where I want to ask questions or simply vent, but my thoughts are racing and I fear coming across as incoherent. I suppose, if one waits too long and lets things built up, then it may come out allover the place. (Think of vomit...)

Hang in there!

Ha! I just read your comment for one of the questions asked. "Coming out of the cave with sunglasses on" (or something like that....) Made me chuckle.

Keep your head up!!!

Excellent article!!!!!

Make sure that your loved one actually has Alzheimers disease. (I used to be an RN and my last 5 years working as such, I was in elder care.) Some other medical condi ...Read More

Excellent article!!!!!

Make sure that your loved one actually has Alzheimers disease. (I used to be an RN and my last 5 years working as such, I was in elder care.) Some other medical conditions or diseases, such as neurovascular incidents and high blood pressure, as well as some meds can cause conditions that "look" like Alzheimers. Some doctors may even misdiagnose.... I'd suggest, anybody concerned with this should take their loved one to a well experienced geriatrician, instead of their GP.

I have to agree with Ed, here. It may be hard for you, but hope may be the only thing she still has going for her. Maybe it's her way of tell you that she's trying hard not to be a burden for you... W ...Read More

I have to agree with Ed, here. It may be hard for you, but hope may be the only thing she still has going for her. Maybe it's her way of tell you that she's trying hard not to be a burden for you... What she may really mean to say is "Thank you for all your help! Your love and care makes me feel like things will be ok."

.... I forgot to ask......

6) Do you think he is physically still healthy enough for sexual activities? Some seniors have medical issues or meds that can prevent them from having "good" and ...Read More

.... I forgot to ask......

6) Do you think he is physically still healthy enough for sexual activities? Some seniors have medical issues or meds that can prevent them from having "good" and healthy sex lives.

We had a similar issue with my FIL. While he did frequently visit his doctors - to get refills or to complain of a certain problem like itchy skin or edema.... he was not fully truthful about his decl ...Read More

We had a similar issue with my FIL. While he did frequently visit his doctors - to get refills or to complain of a certain problem like itchy skin or edema.... he was not fully truthful about his decline. (The fact that none of his local kids went with him didn't help!) We arranged a home visit by a social worker and then a geriatrician. Once they evaluated him, we were able to set up several services and got the rest of the family more involved. Now, my FIL allows someone to accompany him to doctors visits.

We put my FIL on a regular shower schedule, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. That's when his professional caregiver gives him a full bath, which includes his hair. The rest of the week, he ...Read More

We put my FIL on a regular shower schedule, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning. That's when his professional caregiver gives him a full bath, which includes his hair. The rest of the week, he may either sponge bathes himself or with help from the caregiver.

He has severely dry and itchy skin with patches of eczema. If he does not get those regular baths and them lotioned up afterwards, he'd scratch himself bloody.

Before we put him on a regular schedule, he either tried to wiggle himself out of getting a regular bath by claiming he already had bathed himself - which was often not true - or he would forget that he had a bath and would sponge bath again or insist that the caregiver give him another bath. Now that he has this schedule, it's easier for everybody, including him.

BTW, when I mention that he sponge bathes himself, that's an over statement. (I secretly watched him several times.) He would fill the sink with water, lather up a wash cloth, rub himself down with it and then barely rinse off the soap. In the end, that caused more skin issues.

Although he would tell us that he actually DID use the shower, I know this is not true. He had had 2 falls in the tub and that's when he stopped using it. My BIL decided that his dad could use a shower bench and they "recycled" my SIL's. (She is obese and was using an extra large bath bench, for a few months, after she had had knee replacements. Needless to say, the bench doesn't fit properly, but they insist on it anyway.) My FIL is still too scared and physically not able to use the shower on his own....

I surely sympathize with you.... only in my case, it's my husband and his siblings that feel I'm "not really family" in regards to anything dealing with my 90yo FIL. Did you ever resolve that issue?