Answered a question 2/9/2011 at 4:02 pm
I know that you once loved this man. And in part you have been grieving all of the losses as well as being bullied. But this is an abusive (mentally/verbally) relationship and situation now, whether
...Read MoreI know that you once loved this man. And in part you have been grieving all of the losses as well as being bullied. But this is an abusive (mentally/verbally) relationship and situation now, whether he intends it to be or not. I believe, depending on the state you live in that you can still divorce if that is your best option. I only meant it was a threat to use when I posted it. But sadly, I do know a couple who used that option in order to preserve the estate for the surviving spouse. Afterwards, she was able to go onto Medicaid in a nursing home and he was able to go on. Only an attorney can let you know your options. But I think getting him into a place where he can be better cared for - and changing the locks on YOUR home would be my priorities. I think as care takers we try to give what is needed (demanded) and get by on what is left but that just uses us up and we just can't do it for long. My personal epiphany came when I saw my husband making totally illogical decisions that actually harmed his own health in order to not feel guilty about the situation with his father, his father's wife and her children. I'd been going along, going along and might have kept doing it because I think I am so strong and I care about him and they need help - even tho the step siblings were making everything harder and squandering time money and resources (kindest way to put it). But when I looked at my husband and saw how defeated and depressed he was - then a light went on. What we were doing was CRAZY. And when I started thinking about all the things we COULD do if we weren't tip-toeing around the step-bullies then I started putting my foot down about what we would be doing and not doing. Half the issues were resolved after a single 30 minute visit with an elder care attorney. They know how Medicaid, Medicare etc merges with (over rides) wills and estates and how the POA/Guardianship processes work. We were told POA meant that we could act on my FIL's behalf in accordance with his wishes but not make decisions for him. POA means he is still able to have a say about decisions made on his behalf. Guardianship means he is no longer able to make these decisions on his own behalf. Sometimes that is a sliding slope that is hard to define. Guardianship removed all doubt that no matter what the step-bullies talked the FIL/wife into - it was not going to happen unless my husband agreed. There is also a range of POA assignments - from full POA, limited POA, financial POA and a medical POA so knowing what exactly is in place also helps sort things out. You may have more power now than you know if the cousin only has medical POA. I've just seen so many people beaten down by trying to be a care giver that I now strongly advocate that you take care of yourself first - and help where you can. But recognise your limits and what is and is not healthy for you. And I really recommend standing up to bullies early and often. :o) You can do this. Take care.