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They turn on you because they don't know any better. We all think we'll do better, but the truth is, when you have dementia, you don't KNOW it. Don't let it get to you and, as Jesus prayed from the ...Read More

They turn on you because they don't know any better. We all think we'll do better, but the truth is, when you have dementia, you don't KNOW it. Don't let it get to you and, as Jesus prayed from the cross, "forgive them, for they know not what they do." THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S EASY, though, so, if you find you can't deal with it anymore, then you should try to make changes that are best for them. Your parent won't ever "give you permission" to place them somewhere they don't want to be. But, they don't turn on you on purpose. Good luck. I know what you're going through.

If you're a Christian, you know the bible says to honor thy father and thy mother. But, you didn't ask to be born, did you? You don't "owe" her. You are obliged, though, to respect her.

Darline: I had forgotten about this site, since I'm at mama's more than I'm home. Wow. You sounded like you were telling my story. I can't get mama out, and her Home Health doctors are not authorize ...Read More

Darline: I had forgotten about this site, since I'm at mama's more than I'm home. Wow. You sounded like you were telling my story. I can't get mama out, and her Home Health doctors are not authorized to admit her to local hospitals. Maybe her primary care dr would help, but I don't know. We're in Tx. I want her in a particular home, and I do have power of attorney, so glad to know it will help. My mom will be 85 in Dec. She has dementia, refuses to bathe and really needs the structure of a nursing home. I thank you so much for your message. It was very helpful.

Judith: I wrote on my wall about a year ago and you were kind enough to answer and offer help. I just (re)found this site and wish I'd remembered to keep up with it. I still care for my mom. I had t ...Read More

Judith: I wrote on my wall about a year ago and you were kind enough to answer and offer help. I just (re)found this site and wish I'd remembered to keep up with it. I still care for my mom. I had to compel my brother to help me and he is a narcissist and I wish I had someone else, but don't. Anyway, I am ready to place mom in a nursing home, finally. I have her assets in order, but will probably face some penalties. I want to put her in a particular home, but there's one ahead of her. I was told if she stayed three mid-nights in the hospital, she could go in on the re-hab wing. But I don't know of a doctor that will admit her for that. I may write on my own wall and see if anyone knows what I can do. We are in Texas. Did you get to open your nursing home? The one I want my mom in is so good. They have more nurses and aides than the state requires. Anyway, you had stated you could help. Any advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated. In Tx, if you refuse to go in a nursing home, they can't force you. Good law, but mom can't care for herself and at age 61, I really need to get her in one. I'd rather she "go peacefully". LOL I thank you for your response before. Sorry I forgot about the site. I'm gone from my home to hers more than I'm here. I stay there three nights/four days. rotate with my brother, who is a sorry excuse for a caregiver, but he's all I have. Thanks again. sharon (Rosie03).

Sorry, Susan. I made a mistake on some of your story, but I'm sending you this hug because you need the moral support. Hang in there girl, and do what you need to do to get relief and your life back ...Read More

Sorry, Susan. I made a mistake on some of your story, but I'm sending you this hug because you need the moral support. Hang in there girl, and do what you need to do to get relief and your life back. It's not wrong. It's right.

For Susan K:
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been in a similar situation for seven years. First, my sister and I rotated turns taking care of mom. Then she suffered a great healt ...Read More

For Susan K:
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been in a similar situation for seven years. First, my sister and I rotated turns taking care of mom. Then she suffered a great health issue and is now in a nursing home. I would go to my brother, who lives on the same property, sit beside him, cry and declare I couldn't do it alone anymore. He pretended he didn't hear me. Till one day, I told him I had to put mom in the nursing home because I couldn't do it alone anymore. He was upset that we'd lose our inheritance. I informed him I wasn't going to die of caregiver's disease so he could inherit mama's property, that I didn't CARE if we lost it. He informed me he didn't 'sign on' for this, but that I did. I still informed HIM, I still needed help and the discussion was over, she was going. He showed up the next day to help. He isn't qualified to care for her, mentally, because he's a narcissist. But, now I have her assets in order and can put her in a nursing home. You're lucky your husband understands. Mine has never supported me and resents every minute I'm gone, which is three nights, four days a week. It sounds like your mom has some dementia, insisting on your help exclusively. For the sake of your family and your own health, you need to compel your siblings to help. Tell your siblings your mom is 81 and doesn't KNOW she isn't alright. They don't WANT to know. They CHOOSE to believe her because they don't want to help. If you can't get help, then you truly should find another way. If she is able to cook, clean, take her meds correctly, and take care of herself, then there's no reason for you to be sacrificing your child's life nor your marriage. It won't get any better or easier. Maybe I sound harsh, but you really need somebody to tell you that you are overwhelmed and it is OKAY to change the situation. When you catch yourself constantly thinking about it, or it's pretty much dominating your conversation, like, mom did this today, or said that.....then you are consumed. How was her life? Did she take care of her parents? Did she get to enjoy her marriage? It's not wrong to think of your family and yourself. You are worthy of living a normal life. She should go to assisted living. You really need to make her face the fact that you have a family, a marriage, and that it shouldn't be a test of your love. If your siblings refuse to face the truth, then you should do what you have to do. You love your mom, but she had her life. Your three year old hasn't. Your child deserves you and your time. Good luck. You're in a tough spot, but it's is OKAY to change it. You just need someone to tell you. If you were single and had no children, it'd be different. I've been doing this for seven years. I'm tired, weary, I get sick easier than I used to; I'm out of shape from just sitting with my mama to keep her happy. I've missed so many family events it's not funny. I'm now able to place her in a nursing home and even though I hate it, I need to, for my own sanity, relief and for my family. You're the only one who can change the situation and you really do need to do that. God bless and give you the courage and strength to follow through. Your mom won't understand, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. Be prepared. Hope it works out well for you.

It probably depends what state you're in, but you and your spouse are allowed a certain amount of income. The best thing you can do is consult with a MEDICAID attorney. Medicaid in Texas allows only ...Read More

It probably depends what state you're in, but you and your spouse are allowed a certain amount of income. The best thing you can do is consult with a MEDICAID attorney. Medicaid in Texas allows only 2000.00 in assets. You really need professional advice. Your initial consultation should be free. But you can also use a search engine online and go to the official web site for your state.

That is not your only option. I live in Texas, too. Your attorney is correct, the law steps in when a will is probated and puts a lien on your mother's property. BUT, you DON'T HAVE TO BUY THE HOUS ...Read More

That is not your only option. I live in Texas, too. Your attorney is correct, the law steps in when a will is probated and puts a lien on your mother's property. BUT, you DON'T HAVE TO BUY THE HOUSE. Find yourself a MEDICAID attorney. All you need to do, if your mom is able, is to have a LADYBIRD deed drawn up, through a medicaid attorney, have your mom sign in front of a notary, file it and you are fine. It is legal in Texas. However, if you DO buy your mom's house, all you have to do is spend the money down on her. It has to be fair market value and spent on her. Please, see a MEDICAID attorney. They know all the in's and out's.

It seems you'd be better off in 'assisted living.' I've watched my mother, my aunt, and my parents in law all grow older and totally believe they don't need any help and even if they realize it, hate ...Read More

It seems you'd be better off in 'assisted living.' I've watched my mother, my aunt, and my parents in law all grow older and totally believe they don't need any help and even if they realize it, hate to give up their homes and independence. However, none of my relatives realized what you do. I used to work for a major Grocery store chain and they would make home deliveries to elderly people. Also, some drug stores do. It's possible you can qualify for home health care. Do consider assisted living. I know people who do it and they are happy they did. Good luck.

A lot of us don't want to lose the place where we were raised and there's nothing wrong with that. What amazes me, is the government can issue a social security check for around 900.00 and say LIVE O ...Read More

A lot of us don't want to lose the place where we were raised and there's nothing wrong with that. What amazes me, is the government can issue a social security check for around 900.00 and say LIVE ON IT. But if you need a nursing home, all of a sudden, it's 4,000-8.000 a month. Yes, medi care pays for long term care and yes they should be paid. But why don't you ask our government why they will pay for illegal aliens health care and not expect a THING in return???? I do believe Americans should come first and if our government weren't giving all our money away to other entities, then maybe it'd be different. I want my inheritance, such as it is and feel I'm as entitled to it as an illegal alien is to what they get. And even legal aliens, people sponsored by our government to get education, furnished homes, cars. The money SPENT DOWN is to be spent down on the elderly person who needs the care. Everyone isn't out to cheat Medicaid, but it seems our government cheats us, as we've just seen with Wall Street. That's my take on it.

My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but do ...Read More

My mother and her sister both are terrified of Nursing homes. My mother is nearly 85 and when I can get her assets in order, I need to put her in a nursing home. Problem is, she still knows me, but doesn't recognize she is home, that my dad (her husband) has been dead nearly 16 years and her mama's been dead around ten years. She has difficulty speaking a complete sentence and identifying things, like her cigarette lighter. She can't drive, cook, or be trusted to take her meds correctly. BUT, legally, you can't put anyone in a nursing home who doesn't want to go. It's a good law, but not always the best thing for a person like my mother. I've been caring for her six years now and have finally come to terms with the fact she'd be better off and I would too if she were in a nursing home. How can I get her admitted when the time comes if she refuses? I've heard if she went into the hospital, I could refuse to take her back to her home since there's nobody to care for her. As for my aunt, she's a little more coherent than mama, but cannot drive to get groceries or her meds. She lives alone and her daughters have health issues of their own and can no longer take care of her, but she refuses to accept this and won't go to a nursing home. She's fallen several times and had to lay there till she could (painfully) get to a phone and call for help. But my aunt knows where she is and what day it is, etc. She is just too stuborn to go to a nursing home, believing it's her daughters' moral obligation to care for her, no matter how exhausted, overwhelmed or ill they are. But before their mother, I'm more concerned about how to get my own mother into a nursing home. She somehow can remember she can't be forced to go. We live in Texas. I know laws vary from state to state. I guess my main question is, if a person poses a threat to themselves, can't care for themselves, is there a legal way to have them commited to a nursing home? Hope I don't sound like I don't love her because I do.

Jeanine: I am also my mother's power of attorney. When you are speaking with these people, they are not allowed, by the privacy act, to take your word that you are POA. Ask them if they have a fax n ...Read More

Jeanine: I am also my mother's power of attorney. When you are speaking with these people, they are not allowed, by the privacy act, to take your word that you are POA. Ask them if they have a fax number where you can fax all the information they need and a copy of your power of attorney. You will have to take the time to be sure everyone concerned knows you are POA for your dad. You may want to visit the utility companies in person, ask them to make a copy of your POA and keep it on file. BE SURE YOU GET YOUR ORIGINAL BACK IF YOU USE IT FOR THIS. A LOT OF PLACES WILL ONLY ACCEPT THE ORIGINAL AND NOT A COPY AND THEY CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE. Also, go to your local court house and file the POA because there are some instances where a legal seal on the paper is essential. If your dad can speak and understand long enough, ask the IRS person if he can grant permission over the phone for you to speak with them. Don't forget to take your POA to banks, doctor's offices, etc and have them make a copy. Remember, make sure you get your original back. Maybe you'll want to print a small "o" for original on the back of each page. good luck. I've been where you are. Also, keep your dad's picture I.D. with you.

Roxie: I know exactly what you're going through. I don't know how old you are, but it doesn't matter. You are overwhelmed and exhausted. I am new to this forum but I've already been going through w ...Read More

Roxie: I know exactly what you're going through. I don't know how old you are, but it doesn't matter. You are overwhelmed and exhausted. I am new to this forum but I've already been going through what you are. What you need is for someone to tell you it's okay if you've done all you can, to put your mom in a nursing home. It's a very emotional thing and something you yourself must come to terms with. It's taken me six years, but when I started crying all the time and feeling "washed out" and overwhelmed, I finally decided I needed to put her in a nursing home for my own well being and HERS TOO. I hope I don't sound like I don't love my mother, because I love her dearly. But there's this thing called "caregiver's disease." I just thank God we live in a country where we do have some options. All nursing homes are not bad. Just do your homework. Don't jump into it. find out about protecting her assets because if she owns anything and Medicaid pays for her long term care, they will want her assets when she passes away. Do your homework on the nursing homes, too. Visit without being announced and walk around. You do want the best care for your mom. good luck.