Commented on a discussion 7/16/2010 at 9:53 pm
Wow, this thread really hit home. My Mom is 76, lives with me and my husband, and has been declining gradually ever since 2001 when she had a huge cardiac surgery that started her down the road with M
...Read MoreWow, this thread really hit home. My Mom is 76, lives with me and my husband, and has been declining gradually ever since 2001 when she had a huge cardiac surgery that started her down the road with Multi-infarct (vascular) dementia from the micro clots that went to her brain. I have always been irritated with her because she would not try to make friends easily , even when she was younger and still working, and always said "I'm not a joiner." Her husband (my Dad) and her sister , both now deceased, were the two people in her world that she planned to have as her sole companions until she died.... and since they are no longer here in her world, she clings to me and my brothers as her only source of companionship and it made me a little crazy-!!! Actually A LOT CRAZY !!! I was feeling like she really expects me to come and sit with her all night and watch TV with her, and always had to come home and cook dinner for her and eat with her. I have had to stop and really talk to myself ........my resentment was building and I was always irritated with her , and she could feel it. I felt inside like I was still 10 years old, and I had to please my mother (old dynamics that have long since passed, but reared their ugly heads again) because she was now living with me. She was always "the Mom", and I am "the kid", even though it's my home and my family , and my kitchen, but she was still the one in my mind that I was letting "rule the roost" out of old patterns and habits. I had to really stop it and work at being conscious of the pattern and change the framework for myself. Then, once I was able to walk in my adult shoes in my own home, I was able to see what I could not see before.... my mother as an elder, with her limitations and her strengths.... She was always covering her dementia and her fear of new situations so well before because I was not looking at her as she really is...I saw the Mom from years ago. It makes it so much easier to help her now, by detaching from that image I have carried of her for so long, and see her as she is now, the childlike parts coming out more, and the "getting simple"-- this is all part of the new person she is becoming. I have always loved elderly people because they can be so charming in their simplicity --- but I could never allow myself to see my mother in that light and learn to love her that way too. It's easier now... and better for both of us, now that I have come to know her as my elderly mother ....instead of the strong, domineering "mom" of my youth. I actually like her better this way, because she still loves me....and I her, and it's sweeter now because she needs me and I can help her. I can also walk away and refuse "play" with the guilt and the fear that she is not happy and that I have to fix that for her. She has chosen what she wants, and it is not for me to fix it, because Dad and Aunt Helen are dead. I still have to be me.