Answered a question 11/6/2008 at 7:52 am
In defense of siblings who appear not to care -
My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and D
...Read MoreIn defense of siblings who appear not to care -
My Dad had been recently diagnosed with early dementia when my mother suffered a stroke in 2004. My (out of town) sister stayed in Mom and Dad’s home with Dad and took care of him while I stayed in the hospital with Mom 24/7 until she died ten days later. With blessings from my sister and me, our married brother took Dad in as a temporary solution immediately after the funeral. As the oldest sibling, I tried to remain involved in Dad's life and start the ball rolling to get us together to plan his future. To my surprise and dismay, what started as a temporary arrangement quickly became permanent without any discussion. My immediate family (husband, children) and I were uninformed and ignored when it was time to pick out mom's tombstone, and clean out and sell their home - the home I grew up in and the home my children had deep emotional attachments to.
I work from home and very much wanted and expected to be involved in Dad’s life, especially his health care since wellness is my work and my passion. I could not be at appointments I didn't know about; they refused to keep me informed. After a while I gave up the fight so as not to upset Dad. This is presented to Dad as lazy, selfish, and uncaring on my part. I love my dad dearly and would still love the opportunity to be involved in his life and care. I would love to care for him in our home, or even have a turn caring for him in our home. But now Dad is acclimated, comfortable, and happy where he is; I have no desire to confuse and upset him. I have no desire to be involved with my ex-family; today they are no more than a source of pain and tension for my husband, our children, and for me. Dad never was one to enjoy a phone conversation so now, contrary to my wishes, I have very limited contact with him.
Add to this the fact that, although my ex-family remains conveniently narcissistic and oblivious ten minutes down the road, my life has also gone on and changed drastically since Mom’s death. Two of our four adult children have emotional issues, partly as a result of the way we were all treated after Mom’s death. My husband’s MS has progressed to the point I am his full time (24/7) caregiver and advocate; he can’t get in or out of bed or use the toilet unassisted – if he makes it to the toilet. After 43 years with the company, at age 60, his job was just eliminated so now he is home full time and we have more decisions and adjustments to make. My arthritis hurts with every step to the point I can barely walk. It’s all I can do to take care of our home and my immediate family, but we would all welcome Dad into our home in a heartbeat, given the chance.
Yet they do not understand why I simply cannot go to their home and care for Dad according to their schedule, disregarding all else. My point is, please don’t be so quick to judge siblings who aren’t helping as you think they should. Perhaps you should take a look at what else is happening in their lives. Perhaps they need help too!